‘’Friend’’ snooped through my private messages.

[NoseyFriendDilemma]

A bit of background. I have known this ‘friend’ ( term used loosely) since we were kids, through primary school and high school and we are now both in our mid twenties. We have had many a major fall out during the time we have known each other due to her sly and selfish ways. She doesn’t really treat her friends in a way that most people would consider acceptable, hence any friendships she does have don’t usually last and people we know mutually would usually describe her as ‘strange’

We are still acquainted as, even though we have had major fall outs in the past, she doesn’t have many friends and always comes back to me with her tail between her legs apologising for her her behaviour, and I never have the heart to tell her I don’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Most of my friends I have other than her have moved away and have partners and children and as such I don’t get to see them often so if I ever want to go anywhere or do anything I am stuck with her really.

Anyway, to the story:

A couple of months back she asked me to go away with her for a few days, and due to my mental health etc I thought it might be good to get away for a while, and I reasoned that even though she isn’t the greatest of friends, I could tolerate her for a few days and get some sun. She can be okay sometimes, and I knew if I didn’t go I wouldn’t get the chance to go with anyone else for various reasons, so I accepted.

We both know another girl who we met at school, this other girl is my best friend, but she hates the girl I went away with ( for reasons I understand) and when I was away, my best friend was sending me messages on facebook messenger a lot and was taking the piss out of this other ‘’friend’’ saying she’s weird etc. I was in agreement with this and told her I was sorry I came cause she’s strange etc etc, basically said a few things that she had wouldn’t have liked.

I was using a spare phone that didn’t have a passcode, as I just didn’t think about putting one on.

Next day, we were sat in a restaurant having breakfast and I went to the loo and left my phone on the table, and she must have looked through my messages while I was gone, as when I got back and picked my phone up I noticed messages from my best friend asking why I had ‘reacted’ to old messages on messenger just now. I said I hadn’t as I had been in the loo. The other girl was also acting weird around me at this point, but i didn’t want to go mad when we were were miles from home so I reasoned that I would confront her when we got home.

I’m absolutely livid that she had the cheek to snoop and go through my messages and I want to say something to her as I know for a fact she has done it, and she has proven that what was said about her was correct as she actually went through my property.

At the same time i don’t want to confront her because of what she read.

How would you approach this

It's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? You don't sound like a very nice person really.

It’s a long and complicated story which nobody on here could possibly fully understand without knowing me or her. because I am unwilling to explain it at all.

Fixed it for you.

PS you sound like a bully who has been bullied. The two of you are right at the bottom of the friendship pecking order, both fighting for who is simply one rung from the bottom of the ladder instead of lying in the gutter. It is so so sad.

Not taken. If I explained it all I’d be here for days and everyone would get bored before reaching the bottom.

I’d be so upset if I was in your “friends” shoes, and really embarrassed. Everyone on here keeps telling you OP that although her snooping was bad, what you did was far worse and you have come across as a really horrible person. But you just keep trying to bring it back to the snooping. I would be doing some serious apologising and then ending the friendship, she deserves better (anyone does!) and taking a long hard look at yourself.

well it’s a shame that what details you have given show you so badly while you haven’t given one legitimate example of your poor friends behaviour.

Op I mean this gently, but hanging round with someone you don’t really like, then slagging her off behind her back is never going to come good is it?
Be true to yourself, find people you actually want to hang with, and don’t talk about people behind their back things will turn out a lot better for you.

Not really feeling any sympathy for you.

I'd not say a word, I think the 'friendship' will end itself now.

You went away with someone you don’t like. Why? Don’t you have proper friends to go away with? And you know she is sly and sneaky but you left an unlocked phone with bitchy messages lying around for her to sneak at. Again why? Did some part of you want her to see them?

Neither you or your friends come out of this well, I would chalk it up to experience. Get through the holiday as peacefully as possible and stay away from each other once it’s all over.

Op, it's the way you write about her, about any human really, it would be unpleasant, how you are stuck with her, you tolerate her to get what you need, how she's strange and weird, that she comes back with her tail between her legs, how you want nothing more to do with her. How your friend was taking rhe piss out of her and you sat there with this woman, agreeing with your other friends piss take, saying you wish you'd not come away with her, that she was weird etc.

It's horrible. That's why folks are focusing on that.

**Bluntness like I say I’m not the best when it comes to tact, unfortunately. Then I have to dig myself out of holes because I’ve come across really wrong, but it’s true, I tolerate her and I’m in the wrong for that. There is more to the background of it but I actually agree with a lot of people here. I myself know I should end the friendship years ago and I’ve tried many times but it’s more difficult than you may think because she always comes back begging forgiveness. I know I’ve screwed up by even agreeing to go. But it’s happened now.

Thanks everyone for your input. How do you remove a thread?

You sound pretty nasty op. I agree snooping is wrong but you bitched about her whilst on holiday with her.

You're getting a really hard time here OP. You've admitted you did something you shouldn't have, and said there is a whole back story people know nothing about. I'm sure we've all made the odd bitchy remark about someone in the past.

To answer your question about how to end the friendship, as it seems to be rather toxic, I would not confront, but just let things slide and don't be available to meet or go places - if she gets back in touch. I know people here think gradual fading or ghosting is a crime (and it certainly can be wrong in many cases) I don't see the value here of a big, end it all confrontation. You'll tell her some home truths about her past behaviour and she'll get upset. You'll probably feel guilty. No one wins.

If she has any insights at all she will realise something is amiss. If she gets in touch with you again, be unavailable and gradually wean yourselves away from each other. And in the meantime try to forge some new friendships so you don't have to rely on her when you want to go somewhere. Mutual using is not the basis for a friendship.

Op you have to be direct with her, and tell her that the friendship is no more, delete and block her number and details on social media. Do not engage with her anymore. YOu don't sound like you particularly like her, and 'tolerate her' which is bad. All the friends I love and would not gossip about them behind their back, any friends that I am not close to have fallen by the wayside, I would never hang onto a friendship like your doing, it would have ended years ago.

You have to message MNHQ and ask for the thread to be removed.

They “have a policy” not to remove threads just because OP doesn't like the way it’s gone, but they always remove them anyway.

There is another thread on here from an op who saw some nasty messages about her on her mil's phone. The message came through as she was borrowing the phone. Perhaps the same happenned with your friend.

Read the other thread and see how it feels to be the person being bitched about. It's an awful feeling and you don't sound sorry in the slightest

It’s not that I don’t agree with people saying I’m nasty, I am with what I said but like I said my tactfullness isn’t great and I shouldn’t have posted because there’s a whole history and it’s very complicated as to why we are still acquainted. It wasn’t a tirade of abuse it was a couple of messages. The other messages were about other things. I know they were wrong and I was wrong for going but I actually feel like the worst person on the planet and I don’t want to keep reading. Yes it’s my own fault

OP I think your friendship, and I say that loosely, is over. Can you imagine how awful she must have felt reading what you both wrote about her?
Yes she shouldn't have looked, but you're using her because you had no one else. And to be frank I'm not surprised, you sound horrible. And about 12.

I think you need to stop blaming your actions on other people, and excusing them on the basis of what others have done. It will make everyone (including you) happier.

When you make new friends just dont do it again. When someone is slagging someone off to me I know they are saying similar things about me because thats they way it works and people who are adults know this.
Regarding the friend, just be too busy to meet and do things.You will then both move on.If you dont like someone then dont use them just do things by yourself.

Neither of you sound nice.

I think if she hasn't mentioned it she has either not read the messages, or she is mortified. Either way, I think it is probably kinder for you to cut ties with her and both go your separate ways. You don't enjoy her company, or at the very least you don't want other people in your friendship group thinking you enjoy her company, so why bother meeting up with her?

Similarly, she can do better than someone who is going to hark back to old grudges to justify being hurtful in the present, if you hadn't forgiven her old transgressions you shouldn't have agreed to go away with her.

I will ask for this post to be taken down
Here we go again.

I'm not surprised OP wants it taken down!!! SHE GETS THE POINT. Wow mumsnet people can be vile.

You say you admit you were in the wrong, but you’re also kind of not admitting that at all because you keep trying to justify your behaviour by referring to her past behaviour.

Her past behaviour is wholly irrelevant because you can’t keep holding these things against her and holding a grudge if you’re going to remain friends with her. You draw a line and you move on. It’s not a yard stick with which to measure your own shitty behaviour.

Should she have looked at your phone? No.
Should you have bitched about her? No.

Should you have been on holiday with her in the first place given all the things you’ve said? No.

If the only reason you’re on holiday with her is because you fancied a holiday and have nobody else to go with, then whichever way you try and paint it, you are using her. If you are still friends with her because she’s the only person available to do stuff with, you are using her.

It’s all very childish. As is trying to get the thread pulled because you’ve been called out on it.