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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘’Friend’’ snooped through my private messages.

164 replies

NoseyFriendDilemma · 01/07/2018 22:43

A bit of background. I have known this ‘friend’ ( term used loosely) since we were kids, through primary school and high school and we are now both in our mid twenties. We have had many a major fall out during the time we have known each other due to her sly and selfish ways. She doesn’t really treat her friends in a way that most people would consider acceptable, hence any friendships she does have don’t usually last and people we know mutually would usually describe her as ‘strange’

We are still acquainted as, even though we have had major fall outs in the past, she doesn’t have many friends and always comes back to me with her tail between her legs apologising for her her behaviour, and I never have the heart to tell her I don’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Most of my friends I have other than her have moved away and have partners and children and as such I don’t get to see them often so if I ever want to go anywhere or do anything I am stuck with her really.

Anyway, to the story:

A couple of months back she asked me to go away with her for a few days, and due to my mental health etc I thought it might be good to get away for a while, and I reasoned that even though she isn’t the greatest of friends, I could tolerate her for a few days and get some sun. She can be okay sometimes, and I knew if I didn’t go I wouldn’t get the chance to go with anyone else for various reasons, so I accepted.

We both know another girl who we met at school, this other girl is my best friend, but she hates the girl I went away with ( for reasons I understand) and when I was away, my best friend was sending me messages on facebook messenger a lot and was taking the piss out of this other ‘’friend’’ saying she’s weird etc. I was in agreement with this and told her I was sorry I came cause she’s strange etc etc, basically said a few things that she had wouldn’t have liked.

I was using a spare phone that didn’t have a passcode, as I just didn’t think about putting one on.

Next day, we were sat in a restaurant having breakfast and I went to the loo and left my phone on the table, and she must have looked through my messages while I was gone, as when I got back and picked my phone up I noticed messages from my best friend asking why I had ‘reacted’ to old messages on messenger just now. I said I hadn’t as I had been in the loo. The other girl was also acting weird around me at this point, but i didn’t want to go mad when we were were miles from home so I reasoned that I would confront her when we got home.

I’m absolutely livid that she had the cheek to snoop and go through my messages and I want to say something to her as I know for a fact she has done it, and she has proven that what was said about her was correct as she actually went through my property.

At the same time i don’t want to confront her because of what she read.

How would you approach this

OP posts:
Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 01/07/2018 23:19

my best friend was sending me messages on facebook messenger a lot and was taking the piss out of this other ‘’friend’’ saying she’s weird etc. I was in agreement with this and told her I was sorry I came cause she’s strange etc etc

Certainly sounds like more than one or 2 messages if your friend was messaging a lot and you were agreeing.

Misericord · 01/07/2018 23:20

YABU. You were a user and horrible. I would feel devastated and betrayed if I was her - even if it was just a few messages and not “really vicious” (wtf).

Original poster
NoseyFriendDilemma · 01/07/2018 23:24

I’m not getting out of the story, my friend was messaging me a lot yes, not always slagging her off, we said one or two things about her, the other stuff was general chit chat. I know what I did was wrong I’m not denying that as I said. I was wrong

OP posts:
lostfrequencies · 01/07/2018 23:25

You're just upset you've been caught out. And you should be.

NorthenderNamechanger · 01/07/2018 23:25

I did not spend the whole time slagging her off it was one or 2 things I said that’s all

Perhaps. But you did pretend to be someone's friend and use them for a holiday.

I wonder why you have no better offers?

NorthenderNamechanger · 01/07/2018 23:27

Honestly, you literally asked how others would approach it. Well here:

Cut off the "friendship" and don't treat people like that any more.

daffodillament · 01/07/2018 23:30

God, how depressing ! I actually feel sorry for the friend. She actually values you as a mate to keep coming back and yet you treat her like that ?

TheMaddHugger · 01/07/2018 23:30

I am Glad we are Not 'friends' I've got a (Hug) for the other lady tho.

midnightmisssuki · 01/07/2018 23:34

You both are as bad as each other. I don’t like the way you use her though OP. Only going with her becasue that’s about all the options you have - the hallmarks of a user. Maybe she snooped because she already suspected that something was amiss. We’re you constantly on your phone? What she did was wrong, what you did was wrong, two wrongs don’t make a right.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 01/07/2018 23:35

I have to agree with the majority here - it was mean to go on holiday with her when you don’t like her and then to be unkind about her behind her back to another friend was horrible.
Even if a friend is driving you slightly nutty always be kind about them especially if you have a long history and especially if you are o holiday together.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 01/07/2018 23:36
Biscuit
WeAllHaveWings · 01/07/2018 23:37

You are only concerned that she snooped and have no concern about how she will be feeling finding out the truth that her friend is a two faced, self centred cow who slags her off behind her back while sitting beside her pretending to enjoy her company.

You are nasty and she is better off without you. Forget her snooping, she is already paying the price for that as the truth hurts. You owe her a massive apology for your actions. If you don't like someone don't use them. Although I think you probably do enjoy her company to some extent, but are just too pathetic to stand up to your other bully friends and admit it. Childish and Nasty.

Original poster
NoseyFriendDilemma · 01/07/2018 23:37

She has treated me like dirt in the past, slagged me off, and just generally treated me like crap, hence we have had loads of fall outs, and the WORST thing I have ever done to her is say a few things. As I said I’ve been too nice to break off the friendship, I have been nice to her in the past, and we were on speaking terms. If I didn’t go away with her she equally wouldn’t have had anyone to go with and I felt bad about that as she really wanted to go. I know I shouldn’t have gone, but like I said I didn’t want to tell her this. I said horrible things maybe, but I didn’t expect her to go snooping through my phone.

OP posts:
NickyNora · 01/07/2018 23:38

Karma...?

BrutusMcDogface · 01/07/2018 23:39

You're all behaving like teenagers, ffs. Grow up!

ilovesooty · 01/07/2018 23:42

She's a snooper and you're an unpleasant user. I think snooping is dreadful but you sound worse than she does. Perhaps you need to reflect on friendship and what it means.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 01/07/2018 23:43

This thread is turning into a Jeremy Kyle episode.

LellyMcKelly · 02/07/2018 00:00

Yuk, with friends like either of you, who needs enemies? Ever wondered why neither of you could find anyone else to go on holiday with?

YouOKHun · 02/07/2018 00:04

You both sound like bitches.

DiegoMadonna · 02/07/2018 00:05

If you think of her as a real friend, get some decency and stop bitching about her behind her back.

If you don't think of her as a real friend, get some self-respect and stop pretending to be her friend just cos you've got no one else about and you feel sorry for her.

From your OP, it sounds more like the latter applies here. Just decrease contact and move on. I've drifted away from friends over the years without even trying, so to do so on purpose shouldn't be difficult.

user1473878824 · 02/07/2018 00:10

Well you went on holiday with her so you don’t care that much.

Original poster
NoseyFriendDilemma · 02/07/2018 00:18

What I did was wrong I don’t deny that, I understand it was bitchy, but equally she has been vile to me in the past so I’m not bitching for no reason. Besides what I did say wasn’t that bad, just a few things that weren’t nice. However, she had absolutely no reason to pick up my phone and read my personal messages. I have other private conversations on there and I don’t expect someone to snoop. She was being nosey, no other reason. I would never take it upon myself to snoop on someone else’s phone regardless of what was on it.

OP posts:
liverbird10 · 02/07/2018 00:20

If you are of school age, this nonsense is pathetic, but excusable.

If you are both grown adults... get a grip.

ilovesooty · 02/07/2018 00:20

So you used her to go on holiday despite not liking her. Great...

LellyMcKelly · 02/07/2018 01:36

She was being nosey. You were bitching to your friend about her. Neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here.