‘’Friend’’ snooped through my private messages.

[NoseyFriendDilemma]

A bit of background. I have known this ‘friend’ ( term used loosely) since we were kids, through primary school and high school and we are now both in our mid twenties. We have had many a major fall out during the time we have known each other due to her sly and selfish ways. She doesn’t really treat her friends in a way that most people would consider acceptable, hence any friendships she does have don’t usually last and people we know mutually would usually describe her as ‘strange’

We are still acquainted as, even though we have had major fall outs in the past, she doesn’t have many friends and always comes back to me with her tail between her legs apologising for her her behaviour, and I never have the heart to tell her I don’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Most of my friends I have other than her have moved away and have partners and children and as such I don’t get to see them often so if I ever want to go anywhere or do anything I am stuck with her really.

Anyway, to the story:

A couple of months back she asked me to go away with her for a few days, and due to my mental health etc I thought it might be good to get away for a while, and I reasoned that even though she isn’t the greatest of friends, I could tolerate her for a few days and get some sun. She can be okay sometimes, and I knew if I didn’t go I wouldn’t get the chance to go with anyone else for various reasons, so I accepted.

We both know another girl who we met at school, this other girl is my best friend, but she hates the girl I went away with ( for reasons I understand) and when I was away, my best friend was sending me messages on facebook messenger a lot and was taking the piss out of this other ‘’friend’’ saying she’s weird etc. I was in agreement with this and told her I was sorry I came cause she’s strange etc etc, basically said a few things that she had wouldn’t have liked.

I was using a spare phone that didn’t have a passcode, as I just didn’t think about putting one on.

Next day, we were sat in a restaurant having breakfast and I went to the loo and left my phone on the table, and she must have looked through my messages while I was gone, as when I got back and picked my phone up I noticed messages from my best friend asking why I had ‘reacted’ to old messages on messenger just now. I said I hadn’t as I had been in the loo. The other girl was also acting weird around me at this point, but i didn’t want to go mad when we were were miles from home so I reasoned that I would confront her when we got home.

I’m absolutely livid that she had the cheek to snoop and go through my messages and I want to say something to her as I know for a fact she has done it, and she has proven that what was said about her was correct as she actually went through my property.

At the same time i don’t want to confront her because of what she read.

How would you approach this

I do feel bad for bitching about her, like I said she can be okay sometimes, and she really wanted to go so I didn’t want to say no and also I knew it would benefit me to get away. I didn’t slag her off the entire time. What I did was wrong there is no getting away from that, but on the other hand she has no right to go snooping on someone else’s phone.

She has been really vile to me in the past, at one point we didn’t speak for 2 years. I think she comes to me because no one else likes her, so in a way we are both as bad as each other. As much as I don’t like her though I would never violate her privacy by going on her phone. It she hasn’t she wouldn’t have read what she did.

Neither of you look good. You look worse than she does. Sorry not to be more positive.

I definitely see why you don’t have any other friends.

It's not just the messages you sent. You use her when your 'real friends aren't available.
Forget about the messages. Stop pretending you're her friend. Have a long, hard think about the person you want to be.

let it go. I hope you feel better for being away. Friendships are tricky. Maybe this one ran it's course. Curiosity killed the cat.

So it's been

A lot

One or two

A few

If you don't like her, which you don't obviously! You're not going to let the past go and move on, which you're not obviously.

You're using her because your suffering with mental health and needed a break, not sure how going away with someone you clearly dislike will help that?

All in all I'd tell her to holiday alone and not with you.

No she shouldn't read your messages but I think she guessed what was going on.

I think you've been a user and quite cruel.

You're still not getting it, are you, OP? What sticks in the craw is that your dislike of her is patent in every line of every post and yet you went away with her. You feel you are right to bitch about her, maybe you are, but where you are seriously wrong is in pretending to be her friend for your own convenience.

Maybe she snooped because she already suspected that something was amiss. We’re you constantly on your phone?

Or maybe your phone was constantly beeping while you were in the loo, and she couldn't resist taking a peek (wrong, but maybe understandable) and found a cruel message about herself - and read on and found more.

She has behaved badly, but you are worse. You have used her friendship and abused it. Trying to pretend that if you hadn't gone with her she wouldn't have got a holiday is fooling no-one. You are totally self-centred. Perhaps she is too - we don't know - but you certainly aren't the wonderful person you want to seem.

You are very unkind - she must have been sick with shock to find out what you thought of her, poor girl.

You would each be better off without the other.

Stop moaning and end the friendship. You've had more than enough reasons and cause over the years it seems, yet you're still hanging in there complaining.

She's probably done things just as bad over the years so what difference does this incident make? You said yourself you know of her sly and selfish ways.

Perhaps you somehowneed her on board to keep complaining about and that's why rather than deal with incident when it happened, you've come away to complain. Again.

She couldn’t have guessed what was going on as even though we were messaging a lot most of the conversation was general chit chat. As I have said several times I didn’t slag her off the whole time. Probably should have stated that in my OP.

And yes I know what I did was wrong, she has done wrong to me many times also and can be a bit strange with everyone, hence nobody really gets on with her. She always comes back to me as I am pretty much the only person who tolerates her and probably too scared to break contact. She is okay in small doses, and as I rarely get out the house these days I thought going abroad for a little break would do me good. Think what you will but at the time I had my reasons for accepting the invite, rightly or wrongly. By going through my phone, regardless of what was on there, she has proved that what I did say about her was true as i would never consider doing that to her.

we were messaging a lot most of the conversation was general chit chat.

Well, that's just bloody bad-mannered even if you weren't being snotty about her.

By going through my phone, regardless of what was on there, she has proved that what I did say about her was true as i would never consider doing that to her.

Wouldn't you? Really?

What if she had been constantly texting someone when the two of you were supposed to be having an enjoyable break together, and then she had gone off to the toilet, leaving her phone pinging away on the table next to you?

Wouldn't you have been just a little bit curious as to what was so interesting that you spent your holiday responding to texts about it?

Who paid for the holiday? Seems like perhaps the only reason you went is because she might have ....I doubt you will tell the truth but seems very odd to go on holiday with someone you clearly dislike and then bitch about her with your best friend.

I paid for my part of the holiday. And I was messaging when I was free, not every minute of every day. No I wouldn’t snoop on someone’s phone because it’s not my place

But you weren't free! You were supposedly on a girlie holiday and whilst yes you'd send the odd message to a friend constantly being on your phone is incredibly rude.

Obviously she figured out the messages were about her hence the snooping. Were you giggling and laughing when the messages were coming in...you sound truly awful and I don't believe you when you say you paid your share. Perhaps this was your way of enduring the free holiday with someone you strongly dislike.

In bed at night phone on silent, not free? Or on our way somewhere, on a train, not free? She was also messaging people at the same time i was. I’m not claiming to be innocent. My OP asked how to approach the situation. That’s all

I did pay for my share, it wasn’t an expensive break, but as I said believe what you will

How to approach it? Apologise and go your separate ways.

Op if you don't like her that much let the friendship end naturally. You were wrong to be slagging her off, she was wrong to snoop.

No need for a big confrontation though, just let it go by the wayside. If you had been calling me strange and stuff I wouldn't reach out to you afterwards, so I'd just not get in contact again.

You clearly don’t like her regardless of how ‘okay’ she is sometimes.

I find it rather juvenile that you sat slagging her off to another friend while you were on holiday with her. She’s more than likely guessed the messages were about her or seen a recent one from your other friend.

I wouldn’t approach it. As I’ve said, you don’t like her so there’s no point in trying to confront her. Do the both of you a favour and cut her out.

Op you're just changing the story to suit you as you go along!

If what you are now saying is true....your OP would have said.

I'd had a couple private messages from a mutual friend whilst alone in my room and they were unkind about current friend.

But you've stated messaging a lot making it sound like it was all slagging off your holiday friend, people say that's wrong so you change it!!

Then you say it was chit chat and people point out that's rude, so you change it!

You sound like a total nasty nightmare, you're no friend so leave the woman alone!

I know what I have done is wrong and i am in no way saying I’m not.

I probably shouldn’t have gone and I know my OP paints a really bad picture, but I probably didn’t word some of it right. When she is nice she’s nice and I feel bad if I just cut her off because as I say she only really has me, and that’s why I haven’t cut contact despite our falling outs. She can be alright with me but the cons out way the pros and I clearly shouldn’t have said horrible things or even gone in the first place but I did for my own reasons. I did pay for my share, i’m not that bad where I’d take someone’s money.

Just goes to prove how people can come across online. I know I did a shitty thing but I honestly if you knew me and the whole situation and the whole 20 years we have known each other people may think differently

So @NoseyFriendDilemma had she done anything wrong on your trip?

@NoseyFriendDilemma obviously before the snooping!

You’re right. No one knows you online, just the picture you paint. The back story or ‘you’ in general wouldn’t make an ounce of difference to me, personally. Mostly because you went knowing full well uh didn’t like her enough to not slag her off to someone else while on a trip with her.

You went for your own reasons, you’ve admitted this. So don’t make excuses like you feel ‘bad’ cutting her out because she only has you, that’s balls.