‘’Friend’’ snooped through my private messages.

[NoseyFriendDilemma]

A bit of background. I have known this ‘friend’ ( term used loosely) since we were kids, through primary school and high school and we are now both in our mid twenties. We have had many a major fall out during the time we have known each other due to her sly and selfish ways. She doesn’t really treat her friends in a way that most people would consider acceptable, hence any friendships she does have don’t usually last and people we know mutually would usually describe her as ‘strange’

We are still acquainted as, even though we have had major fall outs in the past, she doesn’t have many friends and always comes back to me with her tail between her legs apologising for her her behaviour, and I never have the heart to tell her I don’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Most of my friends I have other than her have moved away and have partners and children and as such I don’t get to see them often so if I ever want to go anywhere or do anything I am stuck with her really.

Anyway, to the story:

A couple of months back she asked me to go away with her for a few days, and due to my mental health etc I thought it might be good to get away for a while, and I reasoned that even though she isn’t the greatest of friends, I could tolerate her for a few days and get some sun. She can be okay sometimes, and I knew if I didn’t go I wouldn’t get the chance to go with anyone else for various reasons, so I accepted.

We both know another girl who we met at school, this other girl is my best friend, but she hates the girl I went away with ( for reasons I understand) and when I was away, my best friend was sending me messages on facebook messenger a lot and was taking the piss out of this other ‘’friend’’ saying she’s weird etc. I was in agreement with this and told her I was sorry I came cause she’s strange etc etc, basically said a few things that she had wouldn’t have liked.

I was using a spare phone that didn’t have a passcode, as I just didn’t think about putting one on.

Next day, we were sat in a restaurant having breakfast and I went to the loo and left my phone on the table, and she must have looked through my messages while I was gone, as when I got back and picked my phone up I noticed messages from my best friend asking why I had ‘reacted’ to old messages on messenger just now. I said I hadn’t as I had been in the loo. The other girl was also acting weird around me at this point, but i didn’t want to go mad when we were were miles from home so I reasoned that I would confront her when we got home.

I’m absolutely livid that she had the cheek to snoop and go through my messages and I want to say something to her as I know for a fact she has done it, and she has proven that what was said about her was correct as she actually went through my property.

At the same time i don’t want to confront her because of what she read.

How would you approach this

This is all very pointless, you chose to go away with someone you don’t like because it suited you, she behaved in a way you didn’t like. Next time go with someone else or accept that she’ll continue to do things you don’t like.

I haven't even read the whole of OP, never mind the whole thread.

Apologies if it's moved on somewhat.

Your opening paragraphs are basically you justifying using this other person when one of your 'real' friends isn't available.

Stop doing this. It's not good for you or them. You want a few days away in the sun? Go on your own. Fancy seeing that film? Go by yourself.

As a last note

I was horrible for doing what I did and I shouldn’t have gone away with her. She knows how she makes me feel sometimes as I have told her to her face.

When we fall out, we fall out for a long time and then she comes back apologising to me because she has no one else, and I end up feeling sorry for her. I know i shouldn’t. I still have a lot of resentment about how she has treated me, but we have had some good times and I know perhaps she doesn’t always mean to be how she is, but sometimes it pisses me off!

So I know I shouldn’t have gone away with her or said what I did say, but I am kind of regretting posting this now because yes I expected people to disagree but I am not known for my skills in tact and I think I have come across way too worse than intended.

There is 20 years worth of history, and it’s impossible for me to give the whole story of why I still speak to her or why I think she is strange. This is not a black and white situation.

I’m not a saint, by any stretch. I said some unkind things. Wrong. She snooped. With no reason as we weren’t slagging her off a lot to raise suspicions, so what she did was wrong also.

I intend to end the friendship, but in my OP I asked how I should go about it. I don’t need to be told how vile it is. We are both shitty to each other.

Sorry for the typos in that post! It should read I have come across way worse than intended

Of course she shouldn't have went on your phone, it's a gross invasion of privacy. Is it as bad as what you did, I don't actually think it was, but it's shades of grey.

You know you were vile to and about her. Now she knows the truth of it.

Don't mention it, there is no good to come of it,as she will retaliate with what you were saying about her. She's clearly not mentioned what you've been saying about her, not just because she'd have to admit to snooping but because it will be hurtful and humiliating.

If you don't like someone, or hold a grudge you can't get past, don't use them to benefit you, whilst being a bitch about them. It's horrible behaviour. You've no moral high ground here, so let it go.

Reading your posts OP it does sound like you aren’t taking any responsibility. Its all yes, I was was wrong but what about friend because she did XYZ. Yes but friend was vile to me in the past. Yes I was wrong but what friend did was worse.

Yes what she did was wrong but tbh I would have probably done the same. You clearly don’t like her, that’s fine, you don’t have to like her but equally you don’t have to go on holiday. Your other friend bitches about her, that’s up to her, you don’t have to go along with the bitching. Ultimately the decisions you have made have put you in this position.

A 'friend' and housemate at uni once snooped through my phone. I left my phone downstairs one night so god knows how long she was on it for. I felt sick when I found out, all kinds of personal stuff on there. Wrote her off, move in with another set of friends following term she was left to move in with an old friend from home. Snooping is NEVER ok. I wouldn't even mention it as she did it to herself.

Is it possible she saw a message come up on your locked screen that made her suspicious - eg her name was mentioned? Not excusing her snooping but very occasionally the ends justify the means (eg here - I would want to know frankly if a good friend of mine was bitching about me).

I’m amazed she hasn’t confronted you. I actually wouldn’t be able to sit on it, and your best bet, if the messages are as inoffensive as you say, is to say something like “god XYZ i am so sorry, I know you saw what other friend was writing about you - I feel like such a shit for going along with what she was saying but I just wanted to shut the conversation down/go for the easy life. I feel dreadful”.

That’s if you actually value her friendship and feel bad. And it doesn’t sound like you do, at all. I’ve been too nice to break off the friendship - yes, lucky her, having someone so lovely that they remain “friends” with her to bitch about her! I’ve had a “best friend” do this to me so I know how it hurts. If you don’t want to be her friend then after the holiday STOP BEING HER FRIEND. It’s very cruel otherwise, no matter how you dress it up.

Gosh, you're getting a rough ride here, OP! I'm not quite sure why everyone's felt the need to pile on and repeat the same message, but for what it's worth, while I agree (as do you) that you didn't behave brilliantly, I absolutely feel for you and how awkward and awful you must feel now. It does sound as though you don't much like this person, so if I were you I would treat this as a learning experience and an opportunity to step away from a friendship that doesn't really have much benefit, certainly to you and probably now to your friend either.

For the sake of your mental health I hope you're no longer reading (and those angrily and even quite bitchily condemning the OP for being a bitch should maybe think about their own motivations), but if you are then discard this unhealthy friendship, move on, and concentrate on finding people you actually want to be around and vice versa. Good luck!

No she didn’t see any messages, as the messages about her were days before

Oh come on, you really can't paint yourself as lily white and innocent in all of this. You don't like this woman, you bitched about her while actually on holiday with her, (while presumably you were being nice to her face?) you use her because all your other friends have moved away and now you want everyone to feel sorry for you?

Of course she shouldn't have snooped, that's appalling behaviour - perhaps she guessed something was going on with spending a lot of time on your phone. Either way it was wrong. But so are you and my suggestion would be that neither of you is a good friend to the other so should leave each other well alone.

Given you suffer from mental health issues, having 5 pages of people telling you how horrible you are from a single incident in your life isn’t good.

OP, I would stop reading or ask MN to take this down if you can’t stop reading.

The way you handle this is to do nothing. Never mention it. When she contacts you again, don’t reply unless it is to say “no” to meeting up.

If she brings it up, you apologise. You tell her that you feel obligated to be her friend because of your long history but in all honesty, you never got past what she’s done /how she hurt you in the past, and you wonder what you two have in common as you’ve grown apart.

You end it with ... neither of us trust each other, so there is no point in continuing this friendship. If she protests and says she still wants to be your friend, you THEN tell her she invaded your privacy by snooping on your phone and crossed a line you can’t get over.

Sorry to be tough , but you sound a well matched pair, she snooped and you're using someone you don't seem to like very much .

Oh, slow typing and lots more posts, sorry! I'd just quietly let things drop, OP, don't contact her. I doubt she'll contact you but if she does, be busy. It's in both your interests to move on.

easterholidays Respectfully, we only know the OPs version of events here (as always), it's pretty hard to believe that this other woman is so horrific if the OP continues to have contact and actually go on holiday with her.

I really don't like bitching, I think it's a dreadful betrayal of someone.

I think Fiesta is spot on.

For the last time I don’t want everyone to feel sorry for me. I KNOW I did wrong. She didn’t see any messages on my lock screen as the ones about her were a day or 2 previous. It’s just an awkward situation and I wanted opinions on how to handle the awkwardness. I have never painted myself as innocent. I have gave facts

Oops sorry Wilbur - yes, I don't disagree, it's just that a few posts seem to come more from somewhere that relishes a playground pile-on and less from a genuine response to the OP's account. I'm not disregarding anyone's opinion, though

I think you are every bit as bad as each other. You also sound very immature.

Perhaps you are actually worse, it's hard to tell because other than allegedly being "sly and sneaky" and "strange", plus reading your messages (which she shouldn't have done) I'm not clear as to exactly what she has done to deserve such scathing remarks. Honestly, if this is how you treat your friends I would hate to see how you behave towards people you really don't like....

Presumably, when she "has come back with her tail between her legs" (what a lovely way to describe someone who was supposedly a friend....) she apologised and you accepted that apology? If so, you let it go. Or don't accept the apology and end the friendship. It's not that complicated.

You really come across very badly. You are essentially using this girl (whom you clearly don't like) when it suits you, pretending to be her friend when really you are nothing of the sort. The way you have written about her is awful. If you don't want to be her friend you should have distanced yourself a long time ago- I don't think it's a case of "not having the heart to tell her" you don't want to be friends. I think you like being able to use her when it suits you, so you keep her hanging on just in case you don't have a better offer. I suspect you also like the fact that she keeps coming "running back" and it makes you feel good about yourself in some way- bit of a power trip, I suspect.

She shouldn't have read your messages. She may very well be "sly and sneaky". But I think you are also "sly and sneaky".

You sounds like a twat. She was clear right to suspect it.

I don't know why you see her still, time to let go. It was not nice bitching about her behind her back, she should be livid with you.But it doesent sound like you like her very much for reasons you gave. Let go now and don't see her again.

I’m losing the will to live ! OP, clearly neither of you is really getting very much from this friendship just let it fade away.

The way I have been with her stems from resentment of how she has been with me. It’s a long and complicated story which nobody on here could possibly fully understand without knowing me or her. I’ve said I was an arse about it. Okay I will accept on this one I’m a horrible person. I will ask for this post to be taken down because I can’t read anymore. I shouldn’t have posted it because I fully realise how it looks and how i come across.

Maybe she saw the messages about her on your screen a few days ago and this was her first available chance to look through your phone?

Just be direct with her, as it looks like you are quite direct with her. Just say this friendships not working, time to let go. Sometimes things run its course, this looks like it should have ended years ago.