There was a court order keeping their birth dad away from my kids for years but when he reached 17, the oldest asked me if he could start phoning messagng his birth dad. My husband has been his step dad almost all his life, has paid for everything, brought him up, stayed up all night when they were little and throwing up, etc etc (ex refused to pay for them then skipped abroad to Italy). So to my kids, their step dad simply IS their dad. Their birth dad just ("First Name").
I said son could do what he liked and he established contact. Phone call, then in the past year, texts.
At the same time my ex (who was never in the 16 year old's life and briefly in the 17 year old's) finally, after 16 years, met a new woman who my kids haven't spoken to directly but ex speaks of her and her opinions. And she has a LOT of opinions. Largely how he shouldn't give the kids money because they don't want to go and stay with them in Italy so "Why give money to children you don't know?"
Now whilst I'm aware this may be my ex putting words in the mouth of the soon to be stepmum - and using her as an excuse to avoid helping the boys out - I also think she might be a bit of a prat. The kids don't want to visit him (yet). He paid no maintenance for their entire lives and got away with it. He never managed to meet another woman (bombarded me with emails daily for a decade after we split til I finally got a court order). And within a few days of son contacting him, he suddenly had a 'friend' who then within weeks became fiancee.
My husband has been the best step dad in the world. Son told his birth dad he will always call his step dad 'dad' (my son is fairly blunt and direct). Because his dad brought him up. He adores his step dad. But is already wary of birth dad. And the fiancee, soon to be stepmum, does seem a bit dodgy although it's hard to gauge.
As a child I had a loathed step mother. But then she was a whackjob and seriously abused me (emotionally, and neglect). So I have very little time for step parents, no matter how well intentioned. And never meant to put my own kids in a situation where they'd have a step parent. But I did. And he's brilliant.
So it's down to the individual. A great person would make a great step parent. A shit person like my step mother and, potentially, my ex's bird - not so much.
Given the poison my ex's new squeeze keeps dripping in his ear about not supporting the kids (he was FINALLY giving them money after 17 years of not a penny) - I think she is going to be gunning for his oney and wants to get his kids out of the picture. It could just be him misreporting what she's saying. Either way I am worried about the mental state of a woman who'd settle for a man who nearly went to prison for harrassing his ex, over a sustained period, then is trying to stop him giving his kids money.
So straw poll from my life - 2 crap step parents, 1 decent.