to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

[InaccessibleB]

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

I've never been a stepmum but ex had a long term relationship where hey became very close to his partner and she was lovely to them. I never spoke to her, I had as little to do with him as possible because of the history. I never felt insecure. I guess I thought that if they preferred her it meant I was clearly horrible 😂

The issues/insecurity around step-mums seems to mirror that of the issues about the idea of social services. Not sure I could unpick that one but they seem related as in outside influence/potential judging. Not sure.

If step mum had been the OW I'd be angry as hell and not want her near my child. Ever.

But their dad? The one who married you?

if a woman posted saying her ex was telling her her new partner couldn’t pick up the kids and that he didn’t want him to have a relationship with the DC, everyone would be up in arms and saying that he was a controlling wanker and how it’s none of his business. Apart from maybe one post, all those who have posted have showed that it’s about THEM, not their kids. They feel angry so their kids should bear the brunt of it. Unless your ex’s new DP is cruel or emotionally abusive, your own feelings should not be relevant. That’s called putting your child’s needs over your own and the mum in this case is not doing that and is using her daughter as a pawn.

would you feel having to drop ur child off to someone for a few days. You would not like them at the start

That’s majorly projecting

Our parents separated when we were kids, both had other partners but didn't remarry.

My mother liked the woman my Dad was seeing, was happy for him because she loved him. If we bumped into Dad's girlfriend when we were out with Mum, even early on, my Mum would stop and say hi.

My mother told me "you love anyone who loves your kids".

The child loves you, wonderful. Keep doing what you are doing.

I am a step-mum to a beautiful dsd, her mum and me have a good working relationship with dsd she understands that I'm not trying or ever going to undermine or overthrow her role. I do genuinely love and care about my dsd and will do everything in my power to protect her. I found at first to let her decide the boundaries as in I didn't go all huggy and get all chummy first time.

@InaccessibleB keep doing what you're doing, some visits will be very tough and others blissful, focus on the happiness of your dsd and all will be well.

I'm a step-mum to 2 and a mum to 1.

Why is okay for DM to say OP can't bath DSD, but not DP to say that she can?
Surely the final decision should be whoever's DSD is in the care of at that time which is obviously DP. A lot of you are placing a lot of weight on DM's decisions and none on DP's which is unfair.

OP I really feel for you. It's so hard to know where the boundaries are, and it's not fair for DM to think she can set them all. You are part of DSD's life and you should be taken into consideration.

I would carry on doing what you are doing if you and DP are happy that way. Also you sound lovely

P.S When you pick DSD up from school do you get funny looks from the other parents? I do and often wonder if it's because I'm not their mum and they feel I don't 'belong'

@Celticmombella you do realise that my DP has to hand HIS child over for a few days too and he manages not to tell his ex and get DP what they can and can't do.

I think I've learnt from this thread that there are many mums out there who of course cars greatly about their children. Some will accept the fact that their ex will eventually meet a new partner and they will at some point become - hopefully a positive - role model and friend to their child. Others will never accept this and struggle to accept that they aren't the only woman in their child's life. I think if you are the latter, in most cases, you will always be the latter. So I guess I just need to continue doing what I'm doing either way, listen to what DP wants from me and let him and his ex sort out any issues. It's a shame so many women on here seem to think that I'm doing something wrong simply by being. My DSD (yes I will call her that) is happy, sweet, tells me she loves me and is a part of my family. Sorry if that offends some but other than ignoring her and refusing to acknowledge when she needs something, I don't know what else I can do to appease. If people are unhappy with me doing the school run, they should be unhappy with me cooking dinner, brushing her hair in the morning as Dad would mess it up, buying her birthday presents, talking to her about her problems (which she comes to me with), and all the other shit I do for her. This thread is utterly depressing.

*care

Oh no @InaccessibleB , it's not depressing, don't read the nonsense! It's only people who have a problem in themselves that make a fuss for no reason. Many families have similar makeups and everyone gets along, because that's best for everyone, especially the child.

There is a little girl in your life who loves you, you love her and add to her life.

Many parents would be (and should be) grateful for this. It's lovely to hear that the little girl can have relationships like this, a child can never have to much love.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

(I mean the mother would or should be grateful for a caring adult)

Ex and I have been split for 6 years. He had a girlfriend - once. She insisted on meeting them immediately,I didn’t know she existed until my children blurted it out. Was slightly miffed. She saw them a further 5 times before deciding she didn’t do kids and didn’t want to see them any more Ex continued the relationship for about a year after that, during which time she became more and more difficult, tried to force him to make his Mum do all the pick ups and drop offs as she didn’t want ex talking to me, ( we get on well it’s not like we were fighting or anything) didn’t want him coming to any school events for them, didn’t want them ringing him (he has them EOW with FaceTime and after school for dinner once a week) , didn’t want him to talk to me at all Would book then gigs and holidays etc that fell on his contact weekends. She was an absolute nightmare.

Final straw was when his grandma died and he came over so we could tell DDs together - first death in the family, they were very close to her and ex wanted my support in telling our children. He also wanted me at the funeral as me and his grandma got on very well. All Hell broke loose.

Anyway. He’s been single since that incident.

I want my girls to have Step Mum like I do - she is wonderful, caring, kind, patient, funny, loves us. And I hope my ex finds someone who loves him and our DDs as much as she loves my Dad and his D.C.

I like my ex's partners and appreciate what they do for my son. Likewise my ex appreciates mine!
We do all celebrations etc together.

Both my sons get along, also with my new dp.

It's a different sight to see both my ex's, their partners and my dp, sat in the lou

Sat in the lounge having a drink chatting with each other. But it's our norm.

We don't all hate step parents!!!

Sorry phones playing up!

I meant my ds's dad's get along!

So lovely to hear @Snowysky20009

As a child who came from this background, what you are all doing is so, so good for all the children!

Healthy relationships and examples of good behaviour, it's so wonderful and important:)

It’s a shame so many mums put their own needs and jealousies above the needs of their children.

I’m both a mum to a DC with a stepmum and a stepmum myself. I view DCs stepmum like another auntie or grandparent - another person to love them (a child can’t have too much love) and care for them. How much of the pick ups/ drops offs/cooking/sports clubs etc stepmum does is up to my ExH - his time, his rules. I can promise you that if the DC were unhappy at the situation they would soon speak up!

@Snowysky20009

That’s our norm too

I don’t have a partner but me, ex and his wife spend a lot of time together with our daughter.

I rather feel that our DD is very lucky to have three loving, caring, invested parents.

OP - you asked why your partner's ex might not like you and can't be pushed off that you didn't get the answers that you wanted.

Unless it's a recent split or an affair partner (I know that you're neither), I think most mums accept a step parents existence.

Some parents will worry about their child becoming super attached because if Dad's relationship breaks down then they wouldn't see the step parent ever again. If there's children from both relationships, it would be up to the Dad to make sure the siblings saw each other.

In many other cases, the Dads delegate too much of the parenting to the new girlfriend. (I know that this isn't the case for you but it wasn't until a later post that you mentioned he does 95% of the caring which makes a big difference)

Fundamentally I think it depends how you view the role of step parents. From what I read on here, step mums seem to "do" a lot more than step dads which I think is a possible source of tension in some cases. I agree with your idea that they should be friends to the child but role model is taking it too far if both parents of the child are involved.

Your partner's daughter sounds like a happy and lovely young girl which is obviously the most important thing. Tell your h not to tell you stuff like the conditioner incident for your peace of mind.

I am both.
My dc step mum is OK. Yes there's been times when I don't agree with things she's said or done. And I've gone straight to her and mentioned it.
She looks after dc when ex works occasionally if he needs overtime as after all he has to earn to support his dc.
So pretty amicable to be fair.

I'm a Sm and you wouldn't believe the amount of agro we get. I was not the ow..
I have my SC say. Mum said you're not to brush my hair as you will hurt me or that mine and dps child isn't her half sibling.?
She's an amazing child too and its sad that she gets told this kind of stuff that untrue.
Now she clams up when we ask anything to do with home.. Not nosey stuff but like ' did you enjoy thorpe park with mummy' or how's swimming going.
His ex tells us nothing so we go direct to swim coach or school etc.

I hope one day it will not be like this as it's not fair on SC

I have two DC, and DP has two DC.

From the point of view of his DC. I don't refer to myself as their sm, because I'm not there yet. I don't think it's anything to do with us not being married, or their DM. I think it should come naturally as the relationship builds. They are obviously family, but I think the relationship needs to develop more. I do do things with them, but we tend to do things as a family. I'll entertain one while DP bathes or dresses the other, I'll run the bath, organise towels, help them pick a soap, or bath bomb etc. But he does the actual bathing. Same with getting dressed, I buy the clothes, help them pick out their outfits, leave them on the beds, but he helps them get dressed. I know he would like me to be more involved, and so would they, but I don't feel that the relationship is at that point yet.

That's ignoring that communication with their DM is tense, and argumentative on her part, which does make things more difficult all around. She doesn't yet have issues with me doing things specifically, more that she wants us to use her very strict routine, and we have our own. We have similar mealtimes and bedtimes, but we don't set times for specific activities, such as 10am fingerprinting.

From my pov as a parent. My DD is 12. There's things that her DF can't do that her sm can. DD wouldn't be comfortable asking her DF about periods or stuff like that. She has a code word for DP, so if I'm not around when her period starts she can just say the code word, and he'll know what's happening and how to deal with it, without embarrassing either of them. But she didn't want to do the same thing with her DF, she'd prefer that sm helps her if and when the time comes. Why would I want my DD to feel embarrassed, and uncomfortable, just because someone who is not biologically related is taking care of her?

@rainingcatsanddog can you explain why wanting to be a role model is taking things a step too far? I always saw female role models as people who were polite, who worked hard, who were respectful and encouraged younger generations to be open minded, good people. Why shouldn't I be a role model to her?

My DC have a step-mum who was the OW. I loathe her nearly as much as I loathe ex-H, but I was always civil in front of the children.

I never did any stuff like say she couldn't bathe them or pick them up, or take them unaccompanied anywhere etc. I love my DC and didn't want them to become hurt or upset by any of the adult shit going on around them.

As it happens, 15 years on both my DC think their step-mum is a PITA, a giant fun-sponge & not a very nice person - which is what they think about their father too.

You reap what you sow in my opinion!

I'm a mum , I've never been a step parent. My kids have had ladies in their lives due to exh having girlfriends though (different to a step parent but I'll continue) and there was one lady that exh was with for several years. She was great , really supportive of the kids, incredibly kind and they looked forward to seeing her when they visited their father. I was a little sad when she and exh broke up to be honest as my kids were disappointed and missed her.

So from my pov a really lovely and supportive step parent is an incredibly positive thing, as it's yet another adult to love and nurture your child.

My dh is a step father to my children and always says how tough it is to love a child as they were your own yet not really know where your place is wrt input and decision making. I fully appreciate his point.