Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:
NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 03/07/2018 07:31

Surely all these mums that have a problem with step mum should never get a new partner themselves, or if they do... they must keep him at arms length so that he doesn’t get too involved with their children. Or does that rule only apply to step mums?

How would you ever manage normal family life again?

I understand where there has been some abhorrent behaviour that instant happy families probably isn’t likely, but the majority of cases won’t be that way, and it just seems crazy to me that so many kids are made to miss out.

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 07:48

@Whatdoido2018 right. Feel better now?

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 07:49

@Whatdoido2018 you gone through this whole thread correcting people in long term relationships who have bonds with their partners kids to correct them on their terminology? Why is that?

What happened to you?

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 07:56

@Whatdoido2018 oh and what I think you should do in 2018 is get off your high horse

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 07:58

@Whatdoido2018 and that's what THEY refer to me as. I didn't introduce it.

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:11

@foodiefil
Are you joking? Absolutely nothing has ‘happened to’ me how bloody rude! I’ve corrected the use of step Mum as it has been used by women simply sleeping with the children’s father for a couple of years and it's wrong! I’m entitled ‘in 2018’ as you put it (what is the relevance of the year to incorrect assignment of oneself as a parent of children?!?!?) How screwed up will those poor kids be when your relationship ends and you're replaced? They simply "get a new step mum?"
The reason Step Mum is assigned to married partners of the father is because they have got married!
You clearly don't have your own kids, otherwise you would understand how messed up it is to play with children's minds like this. Just because you cannot foresee your relationship ending, doesn't mean it won't! And yes, marriages end but there's a big difference!

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:12

Oh and I highly, highly doubt the children's father said "Hi kids, here is your new Step Mum!!!"

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:15

After 10 years together it seems the right term

They also refer to their mum's partner as 'stepdad' and they're not married

Is that ok with you?

2018 referred to your username @Whatdoido2018

PeakPants · 03/07/2018 08:15

simply sleeping with the children’s father for a couple of years and it's wrong!

Oh seriously, get a life. That is called a serious and committed relationship, not 'sleeping together for 2 years'. If they live together, that is called cohabitation and in many other countries it is called de-facto marriage. The OP is having a baby with her long-term partner and they have lived together for a number of years. There is zero difference between this and if they had got married. I really do think you are confusing 2018 with 1958.

This post was edited by MNHQ

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:16

Sleeping with the children's father. That's incredibly rude. @Whatdoido2018

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:16

Exactly @PeakPants

JacquesHammer · 03/07/2018 08:22

You clearly don't have your own kids

Ah and here we go “I’m a parent therefore I know best”.

Just to clarify, I’m a single parent. I have had no relationship. My daughter has a step-mum. Yes a step-mum and I referred to her as such when they’d been together for 18 months and moved in together.

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:22

Christ. What a stable set up. It's the kids I feel incredibly sorry for.

10 years? And? My friend just split from her partner of 12 years. She's never been Step Mum to his kids!

The law states a Step Mother is a woman married to the child's father. Fact. Argue it all you want!

You sound very angry? Things a bit unsettled?!

Also, Peakpants - No need for name calling and putting people down. Calling me an idiot? Because I've quoted the law? Sensitive, much?! Your abusive comment has been reported

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:23

And what would the difference be if a LTR/living together ended over a couple who had been married? On the step kids? 🤷🏻‍♀️ @Whatdoido2018

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:24

In English?

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:27

Not unsettled, we're happy and in love and spend every minute possible together because we have the most fun with each other.

We have fun as a family as a couple and one of the couples kids.

If I need to I can communicate with their mum and know she has my back if they misbehave.

I joined this thread to give the OP advice because in time things can get better but time is what is needed.

Sounds like OP has a good relationship with her stepdaughter. I wish the family well.

Have a nice day @Whatdoido2018

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/07/2018 08:28

I'm a step mum to two and a mum to two. Only now I'm a mum can I understand how hard it must have been for dh's ex seeing her dc develop a loving relationship with another woman. I've always been careful not to try to fulfil the role of mum, but an older female friend instead. Even if mums are jealous of their dc's/ step mum's relationship I actually think that's entirely normal - we're human after all. But the important thing is how you deal with those feelings. Fair enough, have those internal feelings, acknowledge them, voice them in private etc. I'd like to think that regardless of how I felt, I'd put my dc first - and if they genuinely liked/ loved another woman, I'd like to think I would be happy that they're happy and just get on with it.

Fwiw, I now get thank you messages from dh's ex and sometimes pleas for help to help her deal with my youngest (18yo) dsd when she's having a hard time with her for whatever reason. It's taken 16 years to get to this stage, mind! I suppose she must realise that I've been a positive influence on both dh and dsd and now understand myself how hard it is for mums, being one myself.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 03/07/2018 08:28

@whatdoido2018

You’re actually funny. I honestly thought the shit you were spouting was satire.

Guess what, I was just someone sleeping with my ex when we had kids (I mean, it was nine years and we had a house etc. But we weren’t married) are we even allowed to call ourselves parents?

Stop being so bitter and accept these people often do as much parenting as the bio set. I know my DP does more with my kids than their bio dad does. He sees them regularly but my DP is the one that is there day in day out.

Your views are laughable.

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:29

'As a family' was supposed to be struck through.

I asked what the difference would be - for the stepchildren - if a LTR ended over a marriage ending?

If - side by side - there was no difference beyond the wedding/marriage certificate?

Is it that a marriage gives more security? It doesn't

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:29

@foodiefil

Keep telling yourself that.

Also, she is not her Stepdaughter

HTH

PeakPants · 03/07/2018 08:30

In English?

Look, other people can't help it if you are too dense to understand a simple sentence.

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:32

@Whatdoido2018 something deeeefinitely happened to you

VanGoghsDog · 03/07/2018 08:33

Can you cite the law you are referring to Whatdo, because I've tried to find that out for years for a work related reason and I've never found anything official.

But, on the topic, I was with my ex seven years. We didn't marry because I couldn't see the point, I had assets, he did not and we weren't going to have kids, so it would have put me at risk.

Despite that, when we split up, we had been together as long as he had been with his ex wife.
I think him and his wife splitting when dss was five had a greater negative affect on DSS than me leaving when he was 16.

So it's not automatic that a partner splitting up causes more problems than a marriage breaking down.

Though in that case ex did have a gf in between and that did cause problems, but that was simply because she was insane.

Whatdoido2018 · 03/07/2018 08:35

@NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking I refuse to engage with someone who says "Guess what"

You sound like a seven year old..

'My views' are the law. I've merely quoted fact. The law states that Step Mothers are women married to the child's father. That's a fact. I didn't create that fact. Laugh or scream at me all you like but it won't make a jot of difference. You're just humiliating yourself!

I'm leaving this thread of defensiveness by women desperate to call themselves step mothers without vows and turning notifications off. You won't accept the LAW so my words a clearly futile.

Best of luck trying to play house with other women's kids!

And no, this isn't personal! Happily married thanks! Ciao!

foodiefil · 03/07/2018 08:37

@Whatdoido2018 keep telling yourself that

Your dh could have a stepmother in waiting for all you know! Sorry I mean sleeping with a woman

Swipe left for the next trending thread