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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how bio-mums feel about step-mums?

311 replies

InaccessibleB · 01/07/2018 21:37

I'm a step-mum. I try my best to help look after DSD. We get on great. I pick her up from school every other week. Take her out and look after her when DP is out (I'm talking if he nips to the shops or has a weekend meeting). I try to be the step-mum she needs and a good partner to DP. I never overstep the mark and know that I am not her mother.

I am met with a lot of issues. DPs ex trying to get a court order to say only he can get her from school, asking for her not to be left alone with me, telling DSD that she's not to let me dress her or bathe her etc (she's only 6, I'm a normal woman, and being made to feel like a weirdo if I want to bathe my DSD who asks for me to bathe her instead of DF as it's more 'fun')

I keep seeing these AMA threads and I actually want to ask YOU as biological mothers a question about how you feel about step-mums to your children? I'm struggling to feel accepted as a part of her life and want to try and understand this from her mum's perspective. Very open question and I'm hoping for some open answers...

OP posts:
Inaccessible8 · 02/07/2018 15:36

@ohreallyohreallyoh I didn't say most mums feel like this. I said most mums who have an issue with their child's step mum appear to do so for reasons which affect them, not their child. Jealously probably being right up there. I stand firmly by this. There seem to be a lot of mums on here specifically that have an issue with step-mum playing an active part in their child's life, regardless of whether this is having a negative impact upon the child or not. There is a lot of bitterness, a lot of snideness towards me and a serious amount of rudeness. I'm trying to do what's best for DSD. It appears that isn't always the most important thing.

Original poster
InaccessibleB · 02/07/2018 15:36

Sorry. Name change fail.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 02/07/2018 16:00

I think some women define themselves first and fore mostly as mother. So if they don’t work, or/and didn’t want to split to have another woman in ‘their role’ can be extra painful.

Wetwashing00 · 02/07/2018 16:11

My DD step-mum has always been very caring towards my DD. She did bath time, hair do’s, clothes shopping etc.
But my ex took advantage of that and his partner was doing pretty much everything whilst he went out with mates, worked overtime or nursed his hangover. She got pissed off with this a lot and their relationship has always been rocky but not just because of these reasons.
Face to face we have always got on well, but the poor girl is basically living my old life with my ex.
I would eventually hear things she had said about my parenting to others but I never pull her up about it. I couldn’t give a shit really as long as she’s nice to my child. She has asked my advice on how to deal with DD bad attitude or poor eating habits, even to what disciplines we use at home so my DD is treated the same. She doesn’t try to replace me but she is the mum in her household so she continues when my DD is there. She has taken a step back over the past year, due to being off/on with my ex. So my DD hasn’t spent as much time with her.

If it wasn’t for her I doubt my DD would see her father as much as she does now. So I thank her for being the bridge.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/07/2018 20:43

Op, I was supportive of your stance as you clearly are doing your best under difficult circumstances, but you massively let yourself down with this comment :

At least it's answered some of my questions and made me realise that must mums who have an issue with step-mums do so not because they're worried about their child, but because they are jealous and concerned about another woman spending time with their child

I posted my situation above, jealously doesn't come into it. What comes into it is the emotional wellbeing of my DS and the fact that because his father is led by his cock rather than his responsibilities as a father. So, we must all be jealous of all of you that are spending time with our precious children. As I said earlier, you are not a parent yet and I hope you don't find yourself in the position of us "jealous" mothers.

Mummyschnauzer · 02/07/2018 20:49

I have a six year old son, I’m still with DH who is DSs dad. I would be angry about him being in the care of someone I didn’t know. You might be The DP of the childs dad but you are a stranger to the mum. He should be doing the dropping off or picking up:childcare. I wouldn’t feel happy with a stranger bathing my child. He is the father, it his his contact time he should be doing all these tgings imo.

SugarIsAmazing · 02/07/2018 20:55

I'm a step mum and treat my step daughter the same as my own children and used to do school pickups, bathing and trips to shops etc without my partner. I was also the OW.

I think a lot of mums on here are being frosty for no reason. I bet if your partner is your childrens step dad it'd be ok for him to do school pickups or bath time or days out.

My children also have a step mother. I have no issues with what she does with my children when they're in her care. I trust my ex to not have married a child abusing psycho...

MovingThisYearHopefully · 02/07/2018 21:00

I wish my daughters SM showed an interest in them rather than just tolerating them. As far as I'm concerned as long as she's nice to the kids then what else matters? Such a pity that both she & the ex are complete dicks. I feel so sorry for their 2 kids, who are the only reason my 2 kids go to his house still! Sad

BlueBug45 · 02/07/2018 21:02

@Mumnyschnauzer you wouldn't have the choice however angry you are.

As your ex would have parental responsibility the courts would view his judgement on who could look after your (plural) child equal to yours (singular). So unless the new partner was known to be a child abuser you would have to put up with it. Also if your child was a girl, and needed help bathing then she may ask for an adult of the same sex to help her instead of her own father.

Btw I had a step mother and am likely to officially become one. My mum had her own problems with my step mother but had no issues leaving me or her other children in her care. I even think my step mother helped bath me a few times when I was little. Shock

cleofatra · 02/07/2018 21:15

I am a step mum. Met DSS when he was 4, now he is 24.
All I can say is that the relationships get better as they get older.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 02/07/2018 21:19

I’m a mum (totally not offended by the term bio mum by the way) and my two kids have a step mum (of five years), they also have a step dad (of three years). Neither of these two people call themselves that... it’s just what they are, and what my kids choose to refer to them as.

My kids have said to me in the past ‘it’s like I’ve got two mums now!’ and I was pleased. Pleased that finally my ex had found someone that warranted that kind of comment.

I’m not insecure enough in my role as their mum to think another woman could replace me however hard they tried. Sometimes they go round to my ex’s house when he’s not there because they know she is, and he won’t be long... it’s all fine.

What matters most to me is that my boys are surrounded by people that love them, have their best interests at heart and will always look out for them.

Mission accomplished 👌

Whatdoido2018 · 02/07/2018 21:35

@foodiefil You are absolutely NOT a Stepmum. That is a woman MARRIED to the child/ren's father

HTH

JacquesHammer · 02/07/2018 21:36

There really is some ridiculous semantics going on here.

Celticmombella · 02/07/2018 21:44

@TheFormidableMrsC
Totally agree with you. Had sympathy to a pont but no more

Celticmombella · 02/07/2018 21:49

@InaccessibleB
I think the main think that is annoying me about your post is that you lack empathy towards dss mother. Hope would you feel if another person was bathing your child when you told them not to. Also on your original post you said that she was taking G you to court to stop you seeing/doing with dss... Taking her to school but during the discussion you said that courts have said that you allowed bring her to school. Which is it?

Celticmombella · 02/07/2018 21:49

*how not hope

ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 02/07/2018 21:56

My DSs have a SM. She is a total and utter bitch. She encouraged ex to give up work so he doesn't have to pay maintenance and recently banned ds1 from being in her house.

But OP I think you sound like a lovely SM.

I wouldn't have an issue with a SM doing the school run etc if my ex was at work. My DP (who's been around a lot less time than she has) does them when I'm working/sick because that's part of being a family.

SuperMumTum · 02/07/2018 21:59

I appreciate that you are trying to do your best and that's great. I may be a jealous, bitter ex but I want my children with me all of the time and it physically pained me in the early days to know that another woman was taking a caring role with them. DS was only 1 when exDP had an affair and "stepmum" was introduced and I could do nothing about it. I felt that I had failed them by allowing the family to split and I was haunted by thoughts of what this woman might be doing. Some time has now passed and she doesn't appear to be the next Rose West so I have relaxed a bit and I tried very hard throughout not to let my jealousy affect my children. I'm saddened that all the perfect step mothers on this thread don't seem to be able to manage and ounce of compassion for a mother who has had her world torn apart and may struggle to adjust. Calling us all jealous and saying it's "not my problem" is unpleasant.

SharronNeedles · 02/07/2018 22:04

I just think like it or lump it, you have to take your DSDs mum's feelings into consideration.
She has asked you to stop bathing her daughter. If you respect that, you may be able to build a relationship with her, if you refuse, then you're showing her that you feel you have more rights to make decisions about her daughter than she does. Don't start a competition. You won't win.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 02/07/2018 22:12

Why would a mum have such an issue with bathing or the school run though?

It honestly wouldn’t occur to me to raise this as an issue ever. I added my ex’s gf as a contact at the school in case I or their dad couldn’t get there for whatever reason.

Where there has been no wrong doing (if there had ever been an OW i could definitely not be reasonable!) why do mums make it so hard for their kids to have normal relationships with other adults?

Lizzie48 · 02/07/2018 22:19

I actually don't understand why it's an issue if the stepmum does the bath, especially with girls, who might be more comfortable with her doing it than their father. When you read posts about stepmums who don't care, surely it's better to have one that actually wants to be involved?

It's actually hard for stepmums, they can't do right for doing wrong. I know how hard it's been for my DSis at times. It's not an ideal situation, surely it's in the children's interests if you can make it work?

SemperIdem · 02/07/2018 22:38

I have a step dad, he’s been in my life since I was 10. He is lovely and absolutely “one of my parents”. Had a tricky initial few years but from about 16 on, we’ve had a wonderful relationship. Perhaps because of that I see loving step parents as a positive thing potentially in my own child’s future.

A loving and respectful addition to love my child is not a negative. My concerns lie solely with the potential she may acquire a step mother who sees her as an inconvenience to be rid of. I think my exh is too switched on for that to ever happen though.

HateIsNotGood · 02/07/2018 22:46

I'm a Bio-Mum. Bio-Dad decided he didn't want anything to with Bio-Son when he was 12.

Bio-Son is now 16.

I spose a SM might have made a difference - if there was ever one I didn't know her.

Probably not helpful. Count your blessings people is all.

ThorsMistress · 02/07/2018 23:02

ExDP has recently married DS’s step mum.

She’s awesome! She drops DS home after their weekend, takes him out on day trips and on the very odd occasion will pick him up from school.

I have absolutely no issue with any of this. ExDP works nights and I work weekends so sometimes it is just DS and his stepmum. Again this doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

SugarIsAmazing · 03/07/2018 07:22

Some mums seem to want to make it difficult for their children to bond with their step mum.
It's like they're massively insecure that they're bring replaced. They really need to grow up and put their children first.
It's no different to a step dad being involved which most mums would like, and would say it's tough luck if their ex partner didn't like it.