to think this is a normal sleepover?

[upsideup]

DD2 (11) had a sleepover with 3 friends last night, I pretty much just let them get on with it and do what they liked. I've had a furious text of 1 girls mother now though asking me what the hell I was doing and how could I be so irresponsible and saying there is no chance of her dd being allowed round here again. I think the girl was having fun, dd says she was so I don't know if her mum is mad she went home and said it was awful no one looked after us or it was great we could do whatever we wanted.

I think the main things I apparently did wrong were
-I didn't give them them a proper dinner. I let them sort their own takeaway and it turns out they only ordered loads of sides and deserts so no main meal or vegetables.
-Left them alone in a supermarket. DH drove them there to get snacks, he got petrol and waited it the car while they went in and got what they wanted.
-Let them watch a 12 rated film ( Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children), I didn't know it was a 12 but even if I did I would have let them watch it anyway so that's not an excuse.

• I let her dd have her hair curled. DD1(22) did it as they all asked her to do. I wouldn't have let four 11 year old do it themselves in case one of them got burned. I also think dd1 put face masks on them but the mum didn't mention this in the text.

-They didn't have a proper bed and didn't go to bed until midnight. We had proper beds out in dd's room but it was really hot with all of them in there so they ended up sleeping on living room floor with pillows and blankets. -They went on the trampoline unsupervised, they woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to do this, I didn't know this and probably would have said no if they'd asked but I didn't care when they told me in the morning.

No way would I want this to be dd's daily routine which is why she doesn't have sleepovers every day but AIBU to think this was just a normal 11 year old sleepover and I didn't do anything wrong?
Or would you be mad if your 11 year old came back on told you any of this happened on a sleepover or would have wanted me to check with you first before I allowed any of this?

Completely normal sleepover experience at that age.

Please may I come to the next sleepover at yours op? I swear I’ll behave and my mum won’t text you the next day

It does sound fun, Although bit that got me was getting up in the middle of the night to go on the trampoline unsupervised. Don’t like the idea of them going out of the house in the night.
Think this other mum is overreacting somewhat and needs to be clearer about what has pissed her off

What a grumpy woman
I agree with pp, I want an invite next time!!

I don't think you did anything wrong with the majority of stuff and her daughter will be upset if she is banned from coming to another.

The trampoline thing yes is an issue, but it's what kids do at that age, I did something very similar at that age, sneaking out in to the garden and playing on the shed with friends.

I think explaining that part was crossing the line to the girls is fair. But everything else sounds fab!

Is the film really that scary?

I am an absolute softie with films, always have been. I would get disturbed by things others girls my age were watching at sleepovers, but think more along lines of fatal attraction at 12! Not my friends though, we were on the same page as to what we liked and wanted to watch or do, aren't friends like that?

Beetlejuice I refused to watch, even when my Dad said Oh come on, it's a comedy!

I didn't watch an 18 rated film until I was at least 26:)

12 rating I could cope with before I was 12 though!

I'm a bit scared of this film now though:) I haven't seen it! What's the big deal?

The mum is bonkers. Far too much fuss and bother about safety and wrapping them up in cotton wool nowadays.

In fact, it seems very tame compared to some of the sleepovers I had in the 60s and 70s. We were heavily influenced by Enid Blyton and Arthur Ransome I suspect, and certainly wouldn't have agreed to sleep indoors or even near a house in the first place. Rolled up in blankets at the end of a long garden, next to fields and woods was the preferred arrangement.

How exactly is OP supposed to stop them going out at night? If that was my DD i would be angrier at her for bad / inconsiderate (to neighbors) behaviour than at her friend's parents. My DD knows where my front and back door keys are kept so there is nothing to physically stop her wandering off orgoing in the garden after i am in bed. No parent stands sentry at their front door.

LuMarie Same director as Beetlejuice, Tim Burton.

Oh ps, one of my friends, a lovely respectable girl who did well in school, came from a lovely family, university graduate, well behaved and polite favourite with the teachers and perfect in all other ways and now a primary school teacher with a lovely family, gave away her, ahem, flower at 13.

I'm still shocked by that one, but the point is, there are much worse things girls around the early teen ages can be doing.

I'd happily put my daughter in front of the exorcist on repeat until she fainted and possibly needed therapy, so long as she kept her knickers on!

Pps No I haven't seen the exorcist, I'm pathetic:)

Can’t say I agree that parents are not sentries! Maybe it depends on where you live, but I would definitely not be happy with an 11yo letting themselves in/out of the house willynilly at any time day or night!😳

@Iceweasel Ah I think I saw the trailer, Helena Bonham Carter and the freaky characters and costumes?

I did say "oh that looks a bit freaky for kids", but I meant five year olds!

And me obviously

In the 60s we didn't watch films, we would creep into the woods to see if the gypsies were still awake If they weren't camping nearby at the time we'd go looking for badgers, and on one memorable occasion, Russians. (This was the Cold War and rumours among children were that Russians were hiding in the woods ready to snatch us).

She sounds unhinged.

She probably complained to other mothers about having biscuits and cakes at 5 year olds birthday parties. How come you have never come across her and her insane rantings before - is her DD a new friend?

I would totally ignore the text. She has a lot of vexation to come in September when her DD starts senior school

I'm going to ignore, If she wants to talk to me about it then she can in real life at school this week. The girls will see each other tomorrow so then we'll be able to tell if its all the mum or the daughter was upset by something.

We’ve always viewed it as really important that anyone in the house knows how to get out at night, in case there’s an emergency of some kind. Obviously they shouldn’t have done midnight trampolining but I don’t think that them being able to leave the house full stop is a bad thing.

I wouldn't be happy about the 12 film or the trampolining.

I would mark you (12 film) and your DD (trampolining) down as 'not very responsible' and if say in 1 year there was a suggestion of something new / not well tested like taking the train to the nearest big town then I would say no.

Mainly between 10-14 there are wide variations in what parents think are acceptable, and I think parents on both sides need to communicate on what they think the expectations will be, otherwise this kind of thing will be bound to happen.

Once bitten twice shy. Tell other parents you are happy for 12 films, unsupervised outings etc. Check they are OK. Similar will pop up later with 15 films, alcohol, boys staying over etc.

I have no children, so probably ill placed to comment, but the sleep over sounds great! They had a lovely time and were able to experiment with a little independence in a safe environment, ok, so the midnight trampolining wasn't great (and not 100% safe) but trying things and taking a few risks out of the norm, probably helps to develop life-long risk assessment skills.

A few years older than this and me and my friends were mixing diamond white, castaway and 20/20 at pony camp in the countryside, frightening each other to death with horrific ghost stories.

I remember sneaking out of the house at sleepovers when I was that age. Into the garden, out the front.

Sound fab! Lovely memories for those girls... the mother sounds a bit bonkers.

Sounds absolutely fine (am veteran, three now grown up children). Potential for accidents/annoyance with hair curling and trampolining in the early hours but no harm done. Not sure how you could have stopped them bouncing as they crept out and you didn't wake up. Different strokes for different folks. If the other mother is that worried, why didn't she give you the third degree beforehand?

Me too salve One of my friends got hit by a car once- which is probably why I'm not keen.

When my dc were younger me and other mums would always check with each other about film suitably etc.
Mrs Peregrine maybe a 12 but that wouldn’t bother me in the least! It’s a bloody good film, no sex or swearing, just a little scary in places!
Letting a group of 11yo watch it does not make op irresponsible!

I think PrizeOik's reply is perfect.

Reply with " The girls had a wonderful time and I am sorry more vegetables were not available, however we believe a little independence in choosing suppers and activities should be encouraged at this age, we certainly wouldn't want to worry you, so let me know next time if there is anything you feel xxxx isn't ready for. We loved having your daughter to stay. Best wishes upside '

She sounds a little uptight (maybe has her own reasons for this) proceed by being the epitome of calm and kind and you will be fine. The mother is in danger of destroying her dd friendships if she continues like this.

YOU have nothing to be worried about, all totally normal.