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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

302 replies

PooFlower · 01/07/2018 14:47

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
babyno5 · 02/07/2018 17:31

My eldest DD’s friends help themselves in our house (in fact one has a key!!) but they are 17 and they know I’m ok with it and they are always very polite and make me a cuppa too!
I do understand if you’re on a budget OP and it throws meal plans into disarray xx

Fuckedoffat48b · 02/07/2018 17:44

How long were they waiting for your DD to get ready? Must have been a while if they needed to make a meal while they were waiting!

Maybe get her to hurry up a bit if you don't want her friends hanging around for so long they require snacks to keep them going!

Earthakitty · 02/07/2018 17:49

Of course it's rude and totally unacceptable.
I can't believe you need reassurance over this.
Greedy little brats.
And don't feel apologetic.
It's your home - you bought the food - helping themselves even with your daughter's permission is just a BIG NO.

Bramble71 · 02/07/2018 18:07

YANBU to be angry, but I think you should have waited until the friends weren't there and told your daughter off, explaining why. I think she was very inconsiderate to let her friends just do their own thing in your house. They could have gone rifling through stuff they had no business seeing.

Smudge100 · 02/07/2018 18:11

I wouldn’t have dared as a teenager myself, even if a friend had told me it was ok. It just wasn’t something you ever did.

colditz · 02/07/2018 18:13

You won't need to worry about this again, because once your daughter's friends tell their parents what happened, your daughter will be fed there and you won't see her or her friends for dust.

You have been breathtakingly rude.

You are an adult, your daughter is 14, YOU are supposed to be the one modeling social grace and you have demonstrated none at all.

If my teenager had been treated like that in your house I would strongly encourage him and his presumably food deprived friend to stay here.

waterrat · 02/07/2018 18:16

'greedy little brats' - is that a joke comment?

These are teens - the daughter might have been trying to be welcoming/ cool to her friends and they all mde sandwiches - maybe in their houses that is a totally normal thing to do.

You could have waited until they left and had a word with your duaghter. You could also have calmly and politely said to them - hey girls, no problem today but in this house I'd prefer if you asked when you want food so I can get you something I have spare.

honestly - the teen years are long - you want your daughter and friends to come to you with their prblems! not be embarrased to be around you.

amicissimma · 02/07/2018 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noeffingidea · 02/07/2018 18:32

his presumably food deprived friend
What complete rubbish. Not being allowed to help yourself to whatever food you want whenever you want it doesn't = deprivation.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 02/07/2018 18:35

I'm with colditz and waterrat.

I'd be a bit Hmm if a guest just started getting food out of the fridge, but on your daughter's invitation to do so, how could they have realised they were doing anything wrong? And I quite like the idea of my dc's friends feeling comfortable enough here to do that.

Icanttakemuchmore · 02/07/2018 18:41

Your Dd is at fault and you should have told her so once the friends had gone. Its not the friends fault although I would have said 'can I help you young ladies' as they went towards the fridge and nipped it in the bud before it happened, maybe offering them some toast if they said they were hungry.

mummypeepee · 02/07/2018 18:55

YABVVVU! If you can’t afford to feed her friends don’t have them over! Your Dd told them to help themselves and they did, and made for the others. I feel so sorry for them and your DD! I would be furious if someone told my child off for eating!

SnorkFavour · 02/07/2018 19:26

Sorry but "hoards of friends" should be hordes and discrete should have been spelt discreet. Discrete means something else entirely :)

By all means, comment on my awful punctuation, I just can't get my head around it!

OP, I think people have been a little hard on you but it's hard to understand the horror of being really hard up unless you've experienced it. Many years ago I went through an extremely tough time financially, and it changed my whole view. When you're on a tight budget that could be a really hard blow. I think the kids were reasonably rude but ultimately it was your daughter at fault and she got what she deserved.

Tinkobell · 02/07/2018 19:34

I don't think it's that bad personally, but they should have asked first. My kids and DH have done worse....like eat the cooked chicken I'd got planned for dinner or glugged down the breakfast milk. Find a house where teenagers DONT have their heads stuck in the fridge!!!!

AimeeNoOneTheSamee · 02/07/2018 19:37

WTF. I'd be fuming if my DC came home from a friends having been told off for making food! They certainly wouldn't be going back. As long as they tidied up after themselves I really can't see the issue. Guests, particularly teenagers, need to eat. No?

PattiStanger · 02/07/2018 19:52

WTF. I'd be fuming if my DC came home from a friends having been told off for making food! They certainly wouldn't be going back. As long as they tidied up after themselves I really can't see the issue. Guests, particularly teenagers, need to eat. No?

You'd be fuming (whatever that actually means) that another parent has different house rules to you? I'd be happy that your DC wasn't coming back to my house if they'd behaved so rudely and didn't have the common courtesy to ask the me if they could set about trawling through my cupboards.

Yb23487643 · 02/07/2018 20:01

YABU & really rude to guests. They clearly thought it was ok & would be in lots of homes inc maybe their own.

mummytippy · 02/07/2018 20:02

I'm with Waterat and if you're on a strict budget which I am, I'd be miffed and understand. I plan my meals very carefully... I get frustrated if my ds eats the crisps that are meant for his school lunches and we run out.

I do think you needed to maybe be a bit more discreet in having a word with your daughter and maybe yes be more direct with the girls (the friends) themselves... sounds like your dd was wanting to make her new friends welcome but I wouldn't want it to be a regular occurrence. Next time maybe she can go raid their fridges!!!

ThistleAmore · 02/07/2018 20:27

I'm cringing for those poor friends, who are probably now horribly embarrassed. You don't need to worry, OP, I doubt your daughter will be having friends round again soon.

YANBU to be miffed with your daughter, but guests in your house are guests, no matter what age, and to speak to them abruptly for doing something that your daughter (who, er, lives there) had given them permission to do is rude.

As I say, though, I don't think you're going to have to worry about it in the future: I'd be astonished if your daughter either ever invites anybody home again or, indeed, if she does so, if they want to come.

noeffingidea · 02/07/2018 20:44

Aimee no one needs to eat that badly, surely?
Thistle so people should only be friends if they're allowed to help themselves to unlimited food? Funny, my kids friends used to visit for company. They waited until food was offered to them.

Bekstar · 02/07/2018 20:45

For as long as I remember it was normal for us, we were a family of seven on a very tight budget, but my mum always treated her home as an open house and fed any child or adult who was around at lunch time. She also made it clear our home was their home and that if you wanted to grab a snack or a drink then that was fine so long as you didn't leave a mess and if you were sticking the kettle on you offered others a brew. Most of my friends families did the same to be fair, in fact I remember our postman often calling in mid round and making a brew, he used to take the cup with him from one end of the street to my aunties at the end of the street and although my mum used to play hell that my auntie ended up with all her cups it was always in good spirits. I also used to help myself at my friend's house from an early age, I can even remember been in the house after school with her at the age of 13 without an adult and answering their phone to be asked by her mum to put the tea in the oven for when she came back. I always appreciate people like their privacy but with kids you can't really afford it be too stand offish. My mum always said if it was wrapped up and labeled "For Tea" or "For dinner" etc not to touch it, everyone seemed to know that. Barring my dad who would always want what what was untouchable lol.
DH however was brought up the way you mention and he has vivid bad memories of moments where he had attempted to show a friend some photos of his grandad who had passed away and his dad had got pretty cross and started telling him off about opening cupboard while friends were there. It made him stand out and his dad was often lable a strange kind of fella due to how stand offish he was and how he wouldn't let the kids do anything. He shouted at DH & friends for helping themself to a glass of water and DH hated his upbringing and even now struggles to feel comfortable even in our home often asking repeatedly if he can have something when it's his for the taking. When he is at my mums he is so timid and always seems uncomfortable saying "would I be able to have a drink" he is lost poor guy. My mum tries to make light of it and if he asks she make it clear if he is going to ask then he will make all the brews everytime. DH doesn't speak to his family now, their choice, not his, there was a lot of major issues as well as the small points. But I do know it's not the major issues that my DH thinks about as much or focuses on its more the little things like how he felt the odd one out and how his parents made him feel when friends where around. He once told me that people at school had started a rumour that his dad was a peodo (he owned a video rental business) and although not a nice man, definitely no peodo the kids spread stories about that the reason he didn't like DH's friends to touch anything was incase they came across his stash of kiddy porn, it was horrible for him. He went through secondary school been called "Dirty Harry's boy" all because his dad was OTT about privacy. Even DH had to ask in his house for a drink of water or a snack god forbid if he helped himself. My DS is 5 and he knows if he needs a snack he can help himself to anything unless I say dinner is on and won't be long, however he also knows that he is to only have a little sugary stuff etc. I think the more freedom they have the more independant and sensible they become. I often get people gobsmacked that my 5 year old can make a sandwich, toast, cereal, small microwave meals and coffee or tea. Because their own child doesn't but he is also a young carer and his support worker fully agrees that it has increased his independance to be given freedom and is a benefit to him. But But My DS has always been allowed to treat the house as his home and help himself when he is hungry but he also knows when to stop, he is healthy and eats fine is a good weight and knows his boundaries. My son is young but I don't know a 14 year old who doesn't have free access to their kitchen and food maybe label any food that u don't want using o avoid similar issues.

Bekstar · 02/07/2018 20:50

You say your DD doesn't go to their houses too often because she takes too long to get dressed. Have you asked her about that because DH always avoided others people's houses as he didn't know what was acceptible or not. He was very confused as a child when he had been to a friend a house for an hour after school and the mother and had told him and his friend to help themselves to sandwiches, crisps etc. He felt uncomfortable as it wasn't the norm for him and he felt put on the spot when he friends came to his and were made to feel unwelcome and not allowed the same freedom their parents had showed.

lizzyq50 · 02/07/2018 21:04

Hi can anyone help .? What to use to cover up spider veins on legs quit bad especially around ankles .I feel so shit in this hot weather as I am too embarrassed to wear a dress. I've tried various shades of dermablend foundation none bloody match

Itchytights · 02/07/2018 21:09

What titchy said

Lovelybitofterf · 02/07/2018 21:36

With you OP. I think they were unbelievably rude and entitled. While your daughter ought not to have told them (provided she was aware of house rules) I can’t believe that they would just go to your fridge and cupboards and help themselves.

We weren’t badly off as children; I had loads of affluent friends and sleepovers etc yet would not have dreamt of helping myself without at least checking with an adult. Nor did I ever just help myself to the food at home without asking but then we never had things like crisps or biscuits in because they were considered a luxury for special occasions. (I’m in my 40s) Different times I guess.

But it’s not breathtakingly rude to tell teenagers you don’t know off, for helping themselves to food from a relative stranger’s cupboard. I have a 14 year old DD and while I get snacks in, if there’s stuff I don’t want them to take I tell them. Maybe next time set boundaries on arrival. I also think your DD is an awful host too in that she ought to be the one offering her guests what’s on offer and fetching it herself for them.

Teenagers need to learn boundaries and respect. It’s no wonder we have such a generation of snowflakes. I would definitely have pointed out that it’s good manners to ask the adult host before taking stuff, regardless of your budget issues.

Wow. Easy come, easy go.