To be cross that dd has just told her friends to come down and make food.

[PooFlower]

Dd age 14 has two friends in her room waiting for her to get ready.
The two girls have just come down and made cheese and ham bagels for themselves dd and my younger dd who has already eaten a good lunch.

Am I unreasonable to be really cross. I have just told them all off.
I can't afford to buy more bagels, cheese and ham. They were suppost to last until Thursday.
And I think its just so rude.
I would have been a bit cross if dd had made them, but the two girls just coming downstairs and going through the fridge and cupboard has shocked me. Is this usual behaviour these days?
They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case
Dd seems to think they have done nothing wrong.

They are fairly new friends too. I could understand with a very close friend we have known years but this isn't the case

they are not 'new' friends, one she has known since primary but has only just started hanging out with dd and the other is newish but they are very close.

im unsure which is true, but either way i would be mortified if i was your daughter. i think there are ways to deal with things and this wasnt it. YABU

Of course we remember being teenagers.

We wouldn't have lived to be them though if we had pulled a stunt like that

YANBU.

If my children did this in someone's home I'd be mortified. It's incredibly rude to stroll into the kitchen opening cupboards and helping themselves. I'd at least have expected them to double check with you and say oh your DD said we could make some lunch is that ok?

It was bad manners and I've had told them as well!!

Agree with the above.

YABU her friends were not rude at all . your daughter told them they could and they did, it wasn't their fault as they took your daughters word for it and probably thought that you wouldn't mind in the slightest.

You shouldn't of shouted at her friends, yes ask politely what they were up to but to have a full blown melt down is wrong. The girls probably were shocked by your reaction.

Growing up we were skint but when friends were over they were always fed and watered as was I when I went to their houses.

One of my friends mum only said we could help our self to stuff in the fridge because it was going out of date but if she had just food in we weren't allowed to touch it. If we were to eat at their house we could just share a meal but that would mean their child would go hungry as they would share the meal with us so obviously it felt horrible so no one would have anything.
One time they went mad for taking 1 bag of crisps for a friend of her daughter's she grabbed them off her and shouted at her saying that there not feeding the whole street. I was taken aback as it's a nice thing for the child to do especially if they have been given snacks at the other childs house.

I think, what it was this parent loved to buy all the expensive brand foods as they thought It was better so would try and make it last rather than buy cheaper alternatives once they were gone they were gone.
In our house if something is gone it's no biggy you just have something else till you can afford to get more. Surely there was other stuff in your house they could have if the bagels cheese and ham had gone this one time as it has only happened this once.
I'm sure by the way you reacted your daughter won't make the same mistake again.

I can't do enough for my child's friends when they come round they can have what they like, if I found them in the cupboards or making a sandwich id be wondering why they hadn't ate and tell them to help themselves. Even if they had used up everything.

I would hate to be the parent everyone is scared of when going to their friends house incase they do something the parent didn't like and get bollocked for stuff.

This day and age though I find that most parents are even more generous. I've witnessed after school a few parents bring bags of crisps ice lollies cakes etc and share then out with all the kids at the park. Sometimes even offering my children some. And they each have a handful of children themselves and are by far from well off.

Maybe have a box with a few cheap bits in for when your dd has friends round in future. Then everyone is happy all round.

This seems an over reaction. I feel for your daughter as she's probably really embarrassed over something that's really not a big deal.
Perhaps you should have designated "guest" food if money is tight, toast and jam or couple of biscuits??
She should be learning that you host visitors regardless of how long they are there for, everyone should be offered a drink at the very least. If it's mealtime a sandwich, bowl of soup or even cereal. My son's friends would go through almost a whole box of cereal and anything I'd happened to have baked while waiting for myself or husband to drop them to rugby club.
I think them going through your fridge is odd but it sounds like your daughter told them to do that because she couldn't be bothered.
In my experience teenagers are always hungry regardless of the time of day.

I don’t like my teenager’s friends going through my fridge either, but then I also don’t like my children not offering their friends anything as I think that is rude. If I know they are having friends over, I put a cooler of drinks and some snacks out on the deck, in the hope they don’t come in my fucking house! 😂 So I do get what you are saying OP, you want to be hospitable but not taken advantage of, your dd needs to get her arse in gear and make the food for her friends instead of telling them to.

"Perhaps you should have designated "guest" food"

To be fair on the OP, they'd just popped in to wait for her DD to get changed before going out. Not exactly guests.

I'm sure if she'd known she was expected to provide lunch, then her DH could and would have bought some extras when he'd popped out to the shop that morning.

I would have a word with your dd and let her know what your expectations are. She is getting older and should be able to host her friends. My expectation in our house would be that she would act as a host and get food and drink for her friends. Let her know what food she can offer and what food she has to check with you first. I'd also be teaching her that it is rude to expect guests to sort their own food out.

YABU it’s great that you will apologise but I think the damage is done tbh.

Oh Jesus how mortifying for your daughter and her friends. Thank god you are planning to apologise, your daughter may we’ll be teased now because of this- kids/ teenagers can be very cruel.

If anything happens next time then dear god take your DD to one side or discuss it privately later! Don’t embarrass your daughter, her friends and most importantly yourself like this again!

I find it bizarre that you wouldn’t even get a glass of water in your friends houses when you were a teenager.

And what’s in your cupboards that you feel uncomfortable someone seeing?

Your poor dd is going to get flamed at school,a word with her after they had left would be suitable,not embarrassing her like that.

Will send them to the shop to get some more if needs be.

Lucky you to have the money to do that.

And what’s in your cupboards that you feel uncomfortable someone seeing?

Doesn't matter. I never liked random visitors going through my cupboards either.

In my view it's rude.

As long as they cleaned up any mess it wouldn’t bother me. If i couldn’t afford to replace the bagels, ham and cheese we’d just have bread and whatever for lunch until i could. No biggy.

But I would count ham and cheese as two separate fillings, so they would last longer. But I would never tell off friends for helping themselves if ds had said to. Although I probably would have offered the guests food and drink when they arrived. I'm known as a 'feeder'!

I wouldn't have walked into a friends kitchen and opened cupboards looking for a glass and helped myself without asking, especially if a parent was in the house.
I would have asked but not just helped myself if you see what I mean.
I wouldn't help myself without asking in my own friends houses either.

I do understand that the girls were just doing what dd said and just didnt think to ask me if it was ok.

I am quiet surprised that so many of your childrens friends pop downstairs on there own and make themselves food. I will try and lighten up though if thats the norm these days.

I have a lidl and aldi nearby which I do use but have been getting an asda delivery as I find it easier to stick to a budget when shopping online.

I have had a word with dd and told her she must come down to make snacks for friends in future and to check that the food isn't needed first.
She said her friends were fine and they are calling for her tomorrow so I haven't scared them too much.
I will apologise in person when I see them too.

Oh dear OP how upsetting but well done for thinking about it and how best to handle it in future

I’ve just had a group of hungry teenage boys clear out my freezer of bread to make a toast mountain whilst they watched the footie!
Maybe get some bread when it’s being sold off cheap next at the supermarket and stick it in the freezer for future hungry hoards.

I hope my kids feel this is their home and they can offer food to guests and I like that their friends feel comfortable here but it’s fine to have rules about what is fair game and what needs saving. Your DD should probably have asked you what needed using but sounds like she’s a bit lazy?

There is nothing embarrassing in my cupboard Llanelli but I live in a small terraced house with a tiny kitchen with hardly any cupboards so they are a bit cluttered.
I have only one high cupboard which has all the plates, bowls cups and glasses, plus packet mixes and crackers and stuff along with medicine including my strong painkillers.
I have a younger dd so keep them high up and dd1 knows not to touch them but a friend might not. I can't keep them upstairs as I am struggling with stairs at the moment and need them regularly.
I will have to get a locked box or something.

That wasn't why I was upset though. To be honest I was just really shocked and didn't realise it was normal for teens to do that.
I have been enlightened by this thread though.
I realise I should have bit my tongue and had a word with dd later.

Pooflower, I wouldn't have got myself a glass of water without asking either! I wasn't allowed even to get a drink without asking at home either. But to be fair, my Mum didn't want me and couldn't wait until I left home. I write home but it wasn't my home, it was their home.

I think it's normal for friends to eat snacks at their friend's houses. Yabvu to be annoyed at dad's friends if they were told it was fine to get a snack of course they went and got a snack. Sounds like DD isn't aware that money is tight or doesn't understand how tight. (It's probably normal at other friend's houses to have food available). I would just explain it to her. Perhaps have a separate place for snack food which she is welcome to dip into and the rest of the food is off limits so she knows what she is and isn't allowed (a 14 year old will want to grab a snack for herself without having to ask her mum first).

In terms of what is normal when I was growing up different houses had different rules. (actually my richest friend had the tightest parents who would begrudge you a glass of squash). At one point I did go out with a rower and him and his mates would come round and if you let them they would literally eat the entire snack cupboard (they once ate a 20 multipack of crisis between. Three of them in about 15 minutes) at that point my mum started buying cheap snacks for the week and loads of cheep bread for the freezer. Once the snack were done she wouldn't replace them and it we could have toast if we were hungry.

I do agree shopping online can be easier to stick to a budget, saves the hungry shopping if you just look for what you want!
But maybe try aldi etc for the basics or for snacks that you can have on hand for the teens, you can freeze most things and there's lots of generic Crisps and tins etc!
Glad you dd is okay with it all and her friends are cool. It's all a learning curve! The problem is teens get hungry easily! Maybe have a little section in the freezer they know they can have or a little section of the cupboard or one of those plastic sets of drawers so there is no confusion.

I can't believe how many people are saying 'they were DD's guest and they should help themselves if she asked them to'! It's just plain rude, you don't just help yourself and rummage through your friends cupboard even if they told you it was ok! It's not their house, it's their parents, you ask, it's just polite. If this is the way things are meant to be these days then it's ridiculous, manners should never go out of fashion.