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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this?

337 replies

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 30/06/2018 13:07

So me and DS6 went to do a food shop this morning, he needed to go to the toilet so I took him into the ladies.

There was a lady in there with 3 girls, there was a little bit of silliness towards my son going on amongst the three girls whilst we waited for a cubicle to become free, which I ignored because I know girls can be very silly when it comes to things like this.

Then the biggest girl said “Mum why is there boy in here” very loudly, the mother then turnt to me and said “Couldn’t you have taken him into mother and baby or round the back of somewhere because he is making my daughters feel uncomfortable”

I am usually very good at ignoring people, I replied by saying “don’t be so pathetic you silly silly woman” a few more words were exchanged then I went on to tell her to stop embarrassing herself.

I feel a bit bad now, was IBU?

OP posts:
userofthiswebsite · 30/06/2018 15:20

Yes you were rude and quite condescending.
I don't think it's a huge issue that you took your son into the ladies.
But your reaction to her comment was OTT.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/06/2018 15:20

Also Wether or not my child had a Penis. I certainly would not let him leave my side and go into a toilet on his own. You don't know who could be lurking in there.
Would little miss silly silly women allow that for her girls.

Figgygal · 30/06/2018 15:22

You were totally not unreasonable for having him in there but yes could've dealt with it much better

I have six-year-old and he is always insisting on going to the gents now and accompanied when husband is not with us and it does make me feel very uncomfortable

catinboots9 · 30/06/2018 15:24

Cool story bro 😎

upsideup · 30/06/2018 15:25

The woman didnt politely ask why her son was in the female toilets, although its obvious why as 6 year old is why is mum maybe then a poliete reply explaining that small children can't be left unattended and expected to cope on their own would be appropriate.
But she didnt ask a question and didnt want an answer, she was trying to start an arguement by saying he should have been taken outside to piss behind a wall as he was making her daughters uncomfortable, I dont think a polite reply explaining why he was there would work

TypicallyNorthern · 30/06/2018 15:26

YANBU
Some people seriously need to wind their neck in.
I am of the opinion that some people think they can get away with stuff because no one pulls them up on it. if you did that then great. Next time she will think twice before opening her stupid mouth.

6 years old is way too young to go into mens loos alone.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 15:27

Just as a slight aside...

The men's loos are not full of sexual predators.
I totally understand that there is always a risk, and accept that most parents would never want to take a risk, however small, but the gents is not automatically a fearful place.

It's heartbreaking for normal men to know that thanks to SOME perverts, all of our children, boys and girls, have to modify their innocent behaviour.

ILoveMyMonkey · 30/06/2018 15:32

YaNbu in the slightest and I think your response to her was quite reserved, she would have got a lot more mouth from me. Don't give it any more headspace. There are a lot of idiots out there who should keep their stupid thoughts to themselves, good for you putting her in her place!

chilly32045 · 30/06/2018 15:35

I think she is in the wrong here! YANBU! Although i would have said something slightly different and to the point.

upsideup · 30/06/2018 15:36

The men's loos are not full of sexual predators.

I dont think many people think there is, I am still worried that my 4 year old could run in make a mess, get in other peoples way, start questioning someone through the cubicles door, get distracted and take 25 minutes to pee and not wash his hands and slip over on his way out.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 15:36

@torn

For me, the problem isn’t sending him into the gents loos alone BECAUSE it’s the gents. It’s because he’d be going in alone and I wouldn’t be able to go with him. I’d probably feel the same if I was sending my dd alone into the ladies, though since I’m a woman, why would I do that I guess?!

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 15:37

Random CAPS sorry

MissClareRemembers · 30/06/2018 15:40

I think you gave a very measured response actually. Yes you were condescending but so was she. She’s also just told her girls that going to the toilet is somehow shameful. Weird. She WAS being silly and I’m proud of you!!

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 15:41

@Rhu

That makes sense. Can't see if they are managing etc.

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 15:45

It's quite heartening that for all of our faults, men tend not to make any fuss in the loos over kids of either sex. That might be because we are so nervous of any possible interaction, we just let other dads get on with things, and understand their predicament. Quite ironic in some ways that another mother couldn't understand this lady's need to take care of her boy.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 30/06/2018 15:50

You were rude
She was silly though and there is no way the little boy was "making her daughters feel uncomfortable"
tbh though by 5/6 I've expected my children to be able to manage to go to the toilet on their own. Ds's both went to the men's loos and I waited outside.

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 15:54

The men's loos are not full of sexual predators

That doesn’t mean my child is ready to go in to the public toilets by himself. It’s not just about whether there will be sexual predators or not.

And whilst we are sticking up for males not all being sexual predators, little boys in the female toilets aren’t sexual predators or future ones just because they are in a the female toilets....

MommaCinders · 30/06/2018 15:58

Wanna hear something funny.... (not in the slightest bit funny).... When my son was six I left him in a locked changing room in a unisex changing area at his swimming class centre and went to the toilet when I came out there was a grown man standing In the door way of my sons cubicle shouting him, scaring him to the point of him weeing himself because my son who was obessessed with spiderman and climbed on EVERYTHING at the time was scaling the walls of the changing cubicle and this man automatically thought that my 6 YEAR OLD was trying to perve on his daughter. Now the man didn't wait until I came back 2 MINUTES later he took it upon himself to confront a little boy who only opened the door because he thought it was his mummy coming back. Now I was a bit annoyed to begin with but after saying to my son that he was supposed to be getting changed not messing about I picked up his pants and they were wet through... That's when I saw red and and stormed after the bloke who had scared my little boy completely unnecessarily and didn't present himself as a responsible adult. The fact that the first thought that came into his head was my little boy who was as innocent as they should be at that age was obviously peering at his daughter was just as concerning.

Anyway... Do you know what the mother said when I went to rip her husbands bollocks off... I should've taken him to the toilet with me!!! So it doesn't matter what you do. Yeah my son shouldn't have been climbing and he was told that... Several times after... But a big, bald, grown 6ft something man shouldn't have confronted a 6year old little boy who clearly didn't know better and obviously didn't mean to cause harm... He should have asked my son where his mother or father were to which my son would have said my mum just went toilet and he should have waited to speak to me... Parent to parent.

There is one thing I was glad about... That my son didn't answer the door to a predator else this would be a very different story.

This woman shouldn't have needed a bloody explanation as to why a six year old was in the ladies toilet with his mummy, and she shouldn't have RUDELY confronted the OP the way she did. If you confront someone in such a manner you should very well expect the same back. Yeah maybe the op could've said something like "excuse me but I don't appreciate you confronting in front of my son because now you are making him feel uncomfortable, my son is not a dog and I wouldn't expect you to take you or your OH to take your daughters round the back of somewhere when you aren't present so I would appreciate it if you don't talk to me in that tone" and then maybe she could've addressed the girls directly and said there is no reason for you to be uncomfortable my sons daddy isn't here to take him into the little boys toilet so I have to take him into the little girls so that I know he is safe" but she wasn't given the same courtesy so wtf should she... It isn't her job to parent someone else children and if the woman wasn't mature enough to handle such a situation maybe she should've left!

TornFromTheInside · 30/06/2018 15:58

Indeed. But that's a whole different debate.

I would say though that there is definitely a lot more reluctance to send a child into the men's rather than the women's and that IS because of a greater fear. Quite sad, but a consequence of men being by far the greater risk.

I can remember (perhaps subconciously) having more confidence in sending my daughter into the ladies alone (which I eventually had to do) than I would have sending my son into the gents (which I never had to).

quizqueen · 30/06/2018 16:00

At the leisure centre I attend there's a notice which says 'no boys over 8' in the ladies' changing room. I think there has to be a cut off age somewhere but a lad of 6 is still young to be expected to go into a men's toilet by himself. No excuse for your rudeness though; you showed yourself up there and, also, it told your son that it was acceptable to be rude to strangers in public because that's what mum does!

You should have just pointed out, politely, that you think your son is still too young to be trusted in public toilets by himself just as the other lady must think that about her daughters too as she accompanied them and that you don't bring your children up to ' just go round the back somewhere' because it's unhygienic!

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 30/06/2018 16:00

You’re right @momma. That’s not at all funny. Your poor son.

hipposarerad · 30/06/2018 16:00

I dread this kind of thing happening to me. My 7 year old ds2 is autistic and still needs help with using the toilet and may still need help for quite a while. I don't know how I'd react to it though. I try to take him into a disabled toilet if available but then I worry someone will object because he 'doesn't look disabled '.

If the roles were reversed I'd assume there was a good reason for an older boy, accompanied by an adult, to be in the ladies loos and mind my own business Wink

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 30/06/2018 16:03

I think my reluctance is just that if he does get himself in a pickle, I can't really go in and help him out.. he's too short for a urinal, so he would go in a cubicle, and well, he has been known to get himself in trouble with locks before!

I think that personally my answer would have just been an incredulous "he's 6", and got on with my day - I don't think I'd have gone to insults so for that, I'd say you were being unreasonable in what you said (but not what you did)

funinthesun18 · 30/06/2018 16:03

MommaCinders and if it was the other way around a boy would be told to “man up” if a girl was doing that and making him feel uncomfortrable. You accepted what he did wasn’t right but can you imagine if you’d have gone stomping up to his daughter and shouted at her the way he did to your son?
And I bet you any money that if it was a girl doing it he would have laughed that off too.

Kit10 · 30/06/2018 16:03

That other woman was being a knob, I would have told her to get a grip, and her daughters for that matter. She was being silly, putting it mildly and I'm glad she got pulled up on it in front of her kids so they can see she was being ridiculous.