Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

I don’t think he is being unreasonable either. What is the point of making yourself financially less secure when she has a secure tenancy, doesn’t need to pay bedroom tax and could face the whim of private landlords as she ages and be faced with multiple moves. The whole plan doesn’t really seem to be in anyone’s interest long-term. Also private rent might be £400 now but it might not stay cheap forever and you’re committing yourself to a lifetime of paying out. I’m not saying don’t spend money to make her life more comfortable in other ways but your plan could actually see her and you worse off by some way.

Here's the husbands AIBU: "My DW has told me she is going to give 48K of our family money to her mother. AIBU to say that it should come out of her personal spending money and not the family pot?"

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

If £100 spending money is enough for you, I suggest savings go down to £800, you each get £300 personal money, the £200 for your mother comes out of your £300.

What does she need £400 a month for? You are basically going to be her retirement fund and you are asking your dh to contribute to her pension from his own funds. For how many years?

I don't think you've thought this through OP. He doesn't have to give you reasons why he doesn't want to spend his own savings for his own retirement on his MIL.

I also agree with the pp who said that it's a shame that single people can live on their own in a huge house when families are crammed into tiny one bed flats. Not your mum's fault but a problem with the system. I would encourage her to look for a swap.

It depends on your own financial circs. For dh and I to do it this it would break us financially so no I wouldn't be happy about it.

However it seems your dh and yourself, are able to save enormous amounts, you have your own money etc. Its all been in pipe line for a long time.

Why doesn't he want to, issues with the your mum?

I would see if deeper issue.. But I would absolutely do it.

If he is refusing because he feels the plan is unwise - fair enough, talk about it.
If he refusing to help out his MIL because he wants the money to go into the savings instead - he is an utter dick.
My husband and I consider both sets of parents to be our family and responsibility in the long term. If my MIL needed financial help she would get it from both me and my DH jointly. I can't imagine it any other way. If my parents needed anything my husband would immediately look at ways to reduce our own spending to help them out. Sad to have it any other way.

Obviously we all know now even if we didn't before that no bedroom tax will be payable. The odds of DMs council/HA not being willing to bend over backwards to find her a suitable one bed, in order to free up an adapted house, also seem minimal.

However, even if bedroom tax were payable, I can see why DH wasn't impressed at the idea of potentially having to avoidably fund half of DMs principles for many more years. Which would probably amount to more than £200 a month if she were to go into private rented. It's all very well putting others first (ie wanting the adapted property to go to someone who needs it) when you're not the one who'll be picking up the tab for it.

The private renting idea could easily have seen DM have to move every couple of years, find deposits, pay moving costs, later on need help moving house regularly from family members... and all of this completely by choice. Even if it's really important to be in somewhere smaller, which is a good idea actually, going private still isn't the sort of decision that should've been made without extensive research to ascertain whether there's any way to get a smaller SH property. Which there very likely will be.

If providing half the housing costs was unavoidable, if DM were going to struggle otherwise, I'd do it like a shot. Family is very important to me and I'd find it hard to stay with a partner who didn't feel the same. But not wanting to have to use family money to pay for what was a frankly fucking hatstand plan, possibly for decades, isn't unreasonable.

I think it's lovely you want to look after your mum - but what about your family, DH, kids? Perhaps, your husband has seen what has happened with your Dad and wants to ensure you both have enough savings so you don't have to rely on YOUR children to look after you.

Families are all different and it's is lovely you think this way about your mum, but I certainly did not bring my children into this world with the aim of looking after them so they can look after me in old age - I am responsible for me.

That is why my DH and I are saving for our old age - things change unexpectedly so we need to be financially prepared - your DH can't be blamed for looking at it like this. Many people do.

The disabled facilities grant is available for home owners and tenants.

As a tenant on a low income presumably she would be entitled to this.

I personally think buying is the best option

He had no warning that this expense was coming, he had to do it immediately, he was entitled to no grants or aids, he has been told to keep the reciepts because one his spending on adapting the home reaches over £30 000 he will be entitled to some help with the next expenses.

Not true. Tenants are entitled to apply for a disabled facilities grant. www.gov.uk/disabled-facilities-grants/eligibility. So there is funding.

We are getting a full down stairs extension for our adult daughter through this. (As home owners)

£24-48k is a lot of money to take away from your future care/children's inheritance etc.
What if your mum needs a care home one day and you already taken the £24-48k from your future savings? Care homes cost £1-2k a month (if not more) that you will then feel complied to help with. A few years and you've gone through that same amount again. What happens if your sister turns around in a year or two or more and says she can no longer help?
Also talking about it 'in front' of him isn't the same as talking about it and agreeing it with him.

I agree with @Tistheseason17

It's not a good mentality to expect that level of financial help from your children especially when they have their own family to think of. I say this as someone who is basically in your DH's position and it's very hard when family finances are drained by someone who is perhaps not as financially responsible as they should be.

I still don't see how any of you can justify giving up a secure council property for a private rental- your mum will end up having to move many times and you're throwing your family's money away.

Its lovely for tbe mother to want to give up her secure tenancy to allow a family with a disabled member to take advantage of it. Given we have established that since she is not in paid employment, she would nit be liable for the bedroom tax, I don't see how she can afford to do so.

As PP have pointed out, she should sit tight until something suitable becomes available, not rely on children to fund a more expensive and much more precarious private rental.

It makes no sense and OP's partner is not wring for suggesting that it is not a good use of family resources. If the DM did not have an affordable, secure tenancy, the whole story would be very different and we might applaud OP for trying to help. That would be a very different situation, in this situation, private rental makes no sense.

I'm, why wouldn't housing benefit cover the cost of a rent on a private house, or at least some of it.

It really sounds like an well meaning but badly thought out plan.

Again what happens if, for whatever reason you and dh or your sister, can no longer pay the rent?

What plane did you have to cover that eventuality?

@Velvete - cheers

There a couple of relatives on DH side who think we are rich. Compared to them we are but only because we save and spend sensibly rather than spend frivolously.

Credit card after credit card, overspending - my safe saving aren't there to bail them out

OP’s mother isn’t in that situation though, her low income is due to having been a SAHM, then divorced, and having limited job options.

Why isn't shelter houding an option? would have thought sounded the best plan based on care needs. for the future.