Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

A voice of dissent, I don't think your husband is being unreasonable given there is absolutely no need for your mother to move into a private rental. It's also not an insignificant amount that detracts from your own plans - savings, children, housing etc.

I also find altiara's suggestion risible that this situation is in any way comparable to supporting a child of a previous relationship.

And unlike Eliza9917, I don't find it 'fckn mean-spirited' to question a unilateral decision to use the family's joint finances to contribute to another adult for potentially several decades to come - particularly when that adult is a parent and not their own offspring, who they chose to make a commitment to.

Separate from the OPs dilemma, I'm surprised to learn being a pensioner exempts you from the bedroom tax, no wonder there's a shortage of council houses if old people can be sat on their own in a three bedroom house just because of nostalgia while new families cram their kids into a single bedroom.

Unless your mother wants to move, it might be substantially cheaper (and not involve the disruption of a move) for her to stay where she is and for you and your sister to chip in for the bedroom tax.

You might need to read up about it but it could be cheaper. It's different if she wants to move nearer one of you, and you might be looking in making a case for support for her in one of the relevant housing associations.

Agreeing with everyone else tho' that you have a separate, substantial issue about your DH's attitude to this.

I would wait for another council property or look on swapping sites for them.
You will have to pay a deposit on private rent and have the possibility of needing to move sevreal times over the coming years, more deposits and increase in rent prices. Also what will happen when she is older and needs an adapted home or nursing home? That's a lot more money you will need to help with, while having lost out on a lot of savings that would have been ideal for that situation. You need to think long term, 20+ years long term.

If I were your DH, I’d feel the same. I wouldn’t want to be indirectly paying towards rent for my MIL for another potential 20 or 30 years. Sorry

Bloody hell there's nothing like family to look after you is there! My MiL drives me mad half the time but I'd happily contribute to her rent so she could live comfortably. If they're saving 1k a month they're certainly not on the breadline!

@Nanny0gg a PP somewhere upthread suggested she needed to rebuild her relationship with her mother, not her DH.

Pay for her to have a regular cleaner/gardener rather than private renting. This will make a huge difference to her quality of life.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet, maybe the OP's husband takes the view that his mother-in-law is perfectly well housed and affordably too; and that his responsibility is to save hard so he and the OP aren't a burden on their own offspring or extended family one day...

Tbh I would be questioning it if my dh/partner was wanting to do this.

I would want to know why the move needed to be private when it's less secure and more expensive.

Why they can't wait for something with the council to come up

What happens if one of us becomes sick or loses their job

What happens if the sister loses her job or becomes sick

I also think if ok had come here and said 'dh wants to pay out £200 A month to move mil from a council property to a private rental. Even though she is adequately and securely housed now, she just wants a new start.' People wouldn't be jumping on the op calling her selfish.

Also, even if she went into private rental, why would housing benefit not pay at least a portion of the rent.

Pay the bedroom tax for her. It will be a lot less than the rent on a privately rented flat (14% of total rent if she has one spare bedroom, 25% if she has two).

While there might not be any one-bed flats for her to transfer to at the moment, flats in social housing schemes for older people come up fairly regularly, and most councils give priority to people downsizing because of the bedroom tax, so I doubt if it would be years before she got somewhere smaller.

If they're saving 1k a month they're certainly not on the breadline!

Maybe they are saving for their retirement so they don’t have to rely on anyone else in their old age

I wouldn't like to be part of your family. How fckn mean-spirited.

You call it mean-spirited, I call it sensible. The OP’s mother is in life-long secure accommodation already and we’ve established there is no bedroom tax to be paid. If the OP’s savings are decreased by £100 a month, that’ll be £24,000 over 20 years.

I don't think it's mean either, just sensible.

Her mum chose not to have a career and work a min wage job, why on earth would the children now need to support her for those choices? Let alone the partner of one.

I'd do anything for family but financially supporting them for twenty years as they chose an easier life isn't supporting, it's enabling.

There was recently some talk of my teenage brother moving to a private school. When I offered money from my spends to help pay for it, my husband didn't even hesitate to offer more from our joint savings because my brother is part of his family now.

Only ever heard the term 'spends' on MN.

As a private landlord myself, I would definitely say that your mother would be better off staying put with the security of her council tenancy. She can probably get onto the waiting list for various swap to a more suitable property, or perhaps for sheltered accommodation, retirement housing etc.

Your DH has expressed himself very badly here, and certainly comes across as tight from some of the things you have said. Unless he tried previously to express some of the points others have mentioned on here and you dismissed him. Only you know how it really is there. It can't be judged accurately from an internet forum.

What are savings for if not for this kind of thing? Either he's part of your family, and contribute to her care, or he's not. Let him choose.

You're saving 1k a month and he is fussing about that dropping by 100? If it were my dh he would be more than happy to be saving 800 a month instead. If we could afford to save 1k a month plus have 400 each between us (we don't do spearate money) for fripperies, I think both of us would feel we would want to be making others' lives easier with some of that.

Like others, though, I'd be paying the shortfall rather than having her move, which is expensive in itself, plus there is the dreadful situation for private tenants in the UK.

If you want to help contribute to helping your mum you have every right to do so.

I could understand your dp saying no if it meant you taking on additional hours work, or you were on the bare bones, but seeing as your saving more than I earn in a month, you should be able to help your mum out.

If you want to help contribute and she does get a house swap, why don't you buy her some new furniture or pay for a weekly cleaner/Gardner (assuming her new house has a garden). Alternatively if she wouldn't feel comfortable taking ££££ of you maybe suggest you pay her gas/leccy bills so she doesn't have to worry about cold weather/heating etc.

Perhaps wait for a swap and then fund the redecoration for your mum - carpets, curtains, decoration etc so her new home is beautiful and a real fresh start. A one off now, with the thought that if she needs support in the future you will help.

I think your new plan is sounder from your mother's point of view .
I think your husband is being very unkind and selfish. Helping each other out is what families do and you are married so your mutual parents are your family. I know your mother is still quite young but what would he have said if she needed to live with you through ill health or similar ? I was really taken aback reading the pps (a few) who were in agreement with him.

I would wait for a swap for her, but until then you could arrange a cleaner between you if she's struggling with the size of house?

There is not bedroom tax to pay.

Leave your mum where she is and request/wait a swap.

Simple.

Is your DH BU? Actually, no. I think helping out for a short period is ok but depending on your own financial circumstance, perhaps you need to consider putting that £200 into a pension for yourself instead.

As PP stated, what starts out as good intentions could all go pear shaped if either party stops paying their £200 - then you'll have a bigger problem in your relationship if MIL comes to live with you as you can't afford her rent....

Bedroom tax doesn't apply to people over pension age. Do a proper benefit check before she moves:

www.entitledto.co.uk

@boxsetsandpopcorn - she did not 'choose' minimum wage jobs, they were the only things available to her after being a SAHM for nine years until my father fucked off with her best friend and she found herself financially responsible for two children whilst he quit his job and returned to college paying a grand total of £5 a month maintenance. She grafted and worked her arse off, we can afford (and by we I mean my sister and I, and also DH and I) to make her life more comfortable now after a decade of wiping my stepdads shitty arse and I'd rather £24/£48k go toward this than my own pension pot. Don't forget we are still putting £900 in savings and will own a house outright.

Thanks everyone though. I'm just surprised because me and my sister have often discussed this in front of DH and he never raised this as an issue before.