Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

Actually thinking about it - have you and your DH had arguments about your plan where he has pointed out that it's a bit ridiculous and you have dug your heels in, and he has said 'fine if you want to go ahead with this ridiculous plan you can pay for it out of your own money'?
Because I can kind of understand that.

Your “solution” is crazy!
And I do have sympathy with your husband not wanting to commit for probably 15 and quite possibly 25 years of this. Incidentally - would 25 years take you into your own retirement?

She is exempt from Bedroom tax if she is above state pension age, which is 63 for women.

With £1.5k expendable cash each month there's no way I wouldn't be paying this for my DM/MIL. He's being a massive dick

Sure there are many families in a 1bed place that want two and swap

Look on swapping sites

Def don’t move to private

Makes more sense for you both to pay the bedrooom tax tho seems she will exempt due to age

And a cleaner

While waits for a smaller property

From the internet:-

If you or your partner are of pension credit age and claiming housing benefit you won't be affected by the bedroom tax.

If she were not claiming housing benefit the "bedroom tax" would still not be an issue, as it is just a restriction on the amount of housing benefit you get, that only applies to people in social housing. (People not in social housing would not be getting "the spare room subsidy" in the first place, to give it it's official and objectively more accurate name.)

Sorry I posted to fast before.

She is exempt from bedroom tax if she is older than 63 - which she is. You don't have to pay.

She doesn't have to move and she doesn't have to worry about giving up her home because she thinks other people would benefit from it. It's her home.

If she doesn't have to move, you and your sister don't have to fork out extra money each month for, potentially, decades.

If, knowing that, you proceed to move her YABU.

If she stays and you don't have to pay any money, you still should talk about your finances with DH and what's fair.

Good luck op, sorry for your loss 💐

I don’t agree with your dh but I do think your plan is unreasonable too. You shouldn’t be expected to pay for your dms rent for potentially another 20 years. Your circumstances may change and you don’t want to have the responsibility of your dm on you as well. (This is something I have gone through with my own dm who now lives alone aged 71).

Your dm is exempt from the bedroom tax. She should stay put until another more suitable property comes up. If you are worried she cannot cope with the size of the house offer to pay for a cleaner etc.

Agree that short of a specific swap the adaptations likely won't benefit another tenant. When my uncle died (having been partially quadriplegic) my mother was horrified to find that all the adaptations in his one bed bungalow, including wetroom, were going to be ripped out prior to considering the needs of the next tenant.

I think it’s better for her to stay where she is.

Thank you everyone. I honestly didn't think about the security of council tenancy. I think me and my sister got carried away with wanting to help Mum out and she was seduced by the thought of a new start.

I think we'll get her on the list for a swap and contribute financially until she's able to move.

I’d suggest she stays there and you and your sister pay for a gardener to cut the lawn etc and a cleaner to deep clean a couple of times a year to keep it all manageable.

Not a good idea to go into private rented, no security and rents have risen rapidly in many areas.

See if there are any housing associations with separate lists to the council as well. Our council won’t rip out adaptations so we’re. A bit stuck. Ours is a 3 bed but we need a 4 but because it’s adapted we can’t take a swap sadly so we will be stuck waiting forever. We also can’t buy the property.

@Hooli agreed. Once you're in the Council system I would very rarely recommend that you voluntarily leave it.

Also your mum's comments about hoping the home could be used by a disabled family or similar would probably not hold true if she left. Whoever is top of the list would get it - and may not be disabled. More likely a young single mum.

I know one who moved into a 2 bed house. There was a fully working lift (proper lift not a stair lift) - ripped out - and she is hoping to get a bath put into the wet room as she has to bath her girl in a plastic tub. So all those expensive adaptations have gone completely to waste.

OP, please ask your mum to reconsider moving into private accomodation. If she becomes frail herself in future, and is in council accomodation, she is more likely to get help to move to a more suitable property or adaptations. In private rental, she could find herself having to move every year or so if landlords sell or want their house back. Who will cover the moving costs and help her move each time? If you or your sisters circumstances changed, your mum couldbe left in a precarious position and is unlikely to be offered a council place again.
I would approach the council and see if they have any schemes for downsizing. A private exchange might be possible, or if they are in need of adapted homes they might possibly prioritise your mum for a one bedroom place. Your mum has given years of service to caring for your stepdad, potentially saving the council a lot in paid carer fees - she shouldn't feel guilty for staying in her home until a suitable place becomes available.

She will be a priority for a 1 bed if she stays in a bigger property so you latest plan sounds the best and a much cheaper option for everyone.

@Hooli whereas if she advertises her home for a swap she can market the fact it's been adopted and might find an elderly or disabled couple/family who would truly benefit from it

Can I start by saying you and your sister sound absolutely lovely!

Your husband on the other hand needs a bit of a serious talking to, he’s been lucky enough to come from a family where money has never been an issue so therefore is unable to see the bigger picture.

I’d be telling him you’ve known all along what my sister and I would do should this day come so it should come as no surprise and I will fund my mothers rent with my sister as was previously discussed and if you had an issue with it previously then that was the time time to air your views.

Do what you want, but supporting her financially isn't your "duty". I hate that word with regard to adult/elderly parent relationships. What did she envisage happening all these years when her DH died?
I'm with your DH I'm afraid.

He’s being v mean

Good for you OP.
I don’t blame your mum for wanting out, but life just isn’t that simple unless you have money. And there’s plenty of people who will be wanting to upgrade from a one bedroom to a two bedroom so she won’t have to hang around for long.

I thought pensioners didn’t pay the bedroom tax even I she isn’t getting her pension yet she will be shortly so it’s probsbly worth paying the room tax for a few months

From the Gov website
When the bedroom tax doesn't apply. If you or your partner are of pension credit age and claiming housing benefit you won't be affected by the bedroom tax. The bedroom tax doesn't apply to you if you live in: private rented housing (local housing allowance is worked out using different rules)

Doesn't your mum have the right to occupy? My husband is disabled and a decade older than me. I'm his carer and on his death, the tenancy transfers to me. I will have to pay the bedroom tax but I'd rather pay that than move to the private sector.

Oh and your husband is being a dick and a nasty one at that
Even though your mum doesn’t have to move I would look at my husband differently

Did your DH flatly refuse or is he saying stuff like others are on here. I think you would be crazy to get your DMum out of the council house and into private when there are so many other options. Is he actually thinking of the other options and the benefits of those or just being tight? It's an important difference.