Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

I think yabu. Just pay her bedroom tax, surely, and maybe give her a bit extra. It should come out of your money though.

As others have said, find out how much her benefits will reduce by (will they, if the council can't re home her?), and if she can't live on the reduced sum, you and your sister make up the shortfall, it must be better for your mum not to have to move, with all the stress involved.

Also I think your dh is being unreasonable but the argument is buying you time to perhaps think again about your mum moving.

Has your step father very recently passed away? Does your mum really need to move quickly? My dad did move (thank goodness), within a year, after mum passed away. He took some time to think about where and how he wanted to live.

Sorry, just seen your follow up post. I would encourage her to wait until the council can re home rather than go into private rented.

OP can you get it confirmed by using charities e.g. Shelter, Age UK that your mum is actually liable for the bedroom tax?

Only reason is, that I know of older people who have been carers and due to being of pension credit age and claiming housing benefit, or state pension age they are exempt from it.

However the DWP and local council say they are liable for it. It takes relatives or a close friend plus a charity to point out under the rules they are not. The relative/close friend normally has to write to argue their case before they back off.

Taking on financial responsibility for a parent - whether it be rent, a care home, or whatever - isn't something that should come out of your personal "spends", which are hardly generous to begin with.

Paying the bedroom tax seems like a much more sensible option until a suitable council property is available. There is no security in private letting and your mum isn't an age to be constantly moving at the whim of a landlord.

I'd look for a swap then. She'd be mad to give up the security of a council property and being able to claim housing benefit.

A 2 bed flat would be more manageable than a house and I bet she'd get a swap soon enough. You can then pay the bedroom tax.

I thought pensioners didnt have to pay the bedroom tax.

At 67 she is past state retirement age and therefore exempt from bedroom tax.

Definitely him.

You have a household disposal income of £1400 per month, which is the equivalent of a third working adult on 20k a year but he wants to leave you struggling every month?

I do think you'd be better topping your mum up so she can stay put though.

And, one note of caution: your mum is only 67. How old are you and your sister and where are you in terms of careers/kids etc?

I ask because this could easily be a 20+ year commitment so I'd caution you to be sure that neither of you have any likely big life changes coming in that time that would impact it.

Your DH is being unreasonable.

My DH would want the £200 to come from the family pot somewhere. He'd probably offer to both have £150 personal speNding and then £900 to savings, in your financial situation. Or something similar.

As a family, you can afford to save a grand a month and yet he won't help his MIL. I honestly think this would end up being a marriage breaker for me. (I understand that not everyone would feel that strongly but he is still being a dick!)

Its very charitable of her but she needs to wait. I love my house. Every day I live knowing I could be asked to move. I'm kind of thinking you are being a little unreasonable now. She will get a one bed its just not going to be instant.

Hooli have a look at sheltered accommodation, she should qualify for that with her conditions, then they can get support in, PIP etc.

Good luck my dad had no problem getting this it is for over 55s and won;t have the problems with the room etc, they can also get pension credit so should be helpful. Kind thoughts

Why are you and your sister paying full rent rather than just making up any housing benefit shortfall?

Can't believe I'm suggesting this but why dont you buy her house for her. She'll have maximum discount and if you live in an area where prices are reasonable cost will be roughly equivalent to private rent. You can all then get a return on your money eventually.

If you need it they also have a family connection things so can be located close to family, they have a warden, it would be ideal for your mum

www.gov.uk/apply-for-sheltered-housing

I would be really reluctant to encourage my mum into private rent in those circumstances... how would she feel about having to potentially move 4-5 times because the LL wants the property back, or wants to sell? It really can be extremely insecure. We private rented for 7 years and had to move 9 times in that period (none of them our fault, all because the LL’s circumstances changed.

Your DH is being very unreasonable. It must have upset you alot?

He is BU and sounds like an awful person. Why would he want you to have no personal money? You shouldn't loose any of your spending money, take the £200 out of what you put in the savings, it's your money as well. Your mum sounds lovely and very selfless wanting to leave the house for someone else, but if it doesn't make financial sense just ask her to stay put, with you and your sister paying the bedroom tax, even if it's not her preference I'm sure she would understand. She may well find the adjustments help her too as she gets older. On a side note, I'd honestly question how well suited you are to 'd'p as you seem lovely and he isn't.

I would actually say financially it is a crazy decision . As a pensioner she is exempt from bedroom tax .
Put herself on the waiting list for a one bedroom if she wants to move but £400 a month to move from a secure accommodation to an unsecured is madness

Won't she qualify for housing benefit? How was she paying the rent on her council house?

Just realised is 67 not 57. No bedroom tax to pay. Stop arguing.

It does sort of sound like you agreed this with your sister but never actually talked it through with your DH.

It is a big on going commitment and I wonder if what is going on from your DH's point of view is that if you are going to make decisions like that without consultation, it is then on you to pay for them.

I think you should have talked it through properly with him rather than just informing him of your intention. I think a good talk through it now would really help you both.

Ultimately it isn't right for you to have no personal spending money but I do get where your DH is coming from

Your Mum is exempt from the bedroom tax because of her age. She needs to sit tight until a smaller property becomes available which should happen at some point since the council will be keen to reclaim a larger property or somebody will want an exchange. Giving up a secure home to move into a private rental and the additional associated costs is very short sighted, what if your own financial circumstances change and you can't continue to subsidize her indefinitely? I think your husband has a point when she already has secure affordable housing.