Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

Your DH is an arsehole, sorry. I don't lightly throw LTB around on MN, but in your shoes I'd find it very difficult to live with someone with no love for someone I love deeply.

Seeing as she doesn’t have to pay bedroom tax (do check that they haven’t reduced her housing benefit in error) she should stay where she is and wait for a suitable council property to come up. Or she could move to a private let and housing benefit will pay towards that.

There may be housing associations that offer smaller properties for older people so she could also look into those? There is a HA for pensioners complex locally and they always look very well maintained etc.

Is he making all the points being raised here, and then saying but if you still insist then pay yourself? Cause that's different.

YABU to insist that your DH is involved in taking on a long-term financial commitment without his agreement. The fairest way as far as I can see is that you both pay £200 a month less into your savings. You can spend your £200 a month on your mum's rent and he can spend his how he likes, or save it in a personal savings account of his own in case he needs it in his own old age.

Agree with others , he is totally unreasonable . His mother in law is part of his family and even if he doesn’t feel like that he should be supporting you in all this .

We are in a similar situation, supporting the housing for DH sis who is disabled. It never occurred to me to question this. I had almost forgotten it.. just thinking about it, I could probably retire earlier if it wasn't for that! But so what? it matters a lot to him and he matters a lot to me. you are able to save still so not putting yourself into financial hardship.

I think in principle your DH refusing to pay when you put £1k a month into savings is selfish and mean, however I would agree with posters above saying not to give up her council tenancy and find others ways to help her manage there.
When I had separate finances from DP I offered my parents £200 a month when I got a well paid overseas job - to enable Dad to retire a bit early at 67. The plan was that it would stop when I returned back to the UK by which point all their pensions would have kicked in fully.
DP and I got married, pooled our finances and he was happy to continue. We returned to the UK, I got pregnant, we’d already agreed to stop the money then Dad died very unexpectedly.
DH and I had a long talk and a look at our finances and Mum’s, she’d been badly advised and didn’t end up with much pension, she could have survived fine but it would have meant a big cut in her standard of living. DH initially wasn’t keen to keep up the money to enable her to have nice haircuts, gym membership and the odd holiday but I felt like you do that she’s sacrificed so much in her life to give me the ability to earn so well that I owed it to her. We compromised in the end that I put that money towards mum and he could use an equivalent amount on things for him if he wanted (which so far he really hasn’t). We are fortunate to have the finances to do this but it sounds like you do too. The difference for you is that paying her rent is a everlasting commitment- if we had a major change in circumstances and had to stop paying mum’s money it would be unpleasant for her but not a disaster, if you were committed to paying her rent she could end up homeless, hence the suggestion that she keeps the tenancy and you find another way to help.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/housing_benefit/bedroom_tax_are_you_affected if your mum is 68 she ispension age so she wont be affected by room tax on hb?

Definitely think the money should come from the household pot.
However, agree with PPs, that your mum should stay put and that you and your sister cover the bedroom tax if needed.
The council cannot make your mum intentionally homeless. They will re-house her. If she leaves voluntarily, she'll never get back on the housing list and private renting is unreliable.

Your DH sounds horrid.
I cared for my FIL for years.
Our family money was used to pay for whatever was required to make his final years comfortable.
I agree with pp saying pay the bedroom tax until your mum as able to find a supported living flat or bungalow.
It is so much better to move to supported living at a stage when she can get comfortably settled, make friends and find her feet while still fit enough to do it.
What you can do about your husband I have no idea, but I feel sorry for you being married to someone so selfish.

Sorry to shout but SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO PAY THE DAMNED TAX. She is above pension age and can stay in her house. Or swap it. Or buy it. Whatever. Its not an issue.

Hmm.
Didn't refresh page so X posted with everyone saying she doesn't need to pay bedroom tax.
Agree she shouldn't make big decisions so soon after bereavement.
Her council tenancy is precious - she shouldn't give it up.

I think it's ridiculous to call the husband mean when you have no idea what the conversation was when they agreed their financial arrangements in the first place.

When my fiance and I make financial plans for savings, we know exactly what the money is for and what falls under our own spends and savings.

At the moment, no way is care for any in laws included. We'd have to take it back to the drawing board and see if we could afford it or if we were on the same page. I mean, OP is suggesting a monthly 10% hit indefinitely to their JOINT savings, and he's just supposed to merrily accept that because she made a bargain with her sister?

Pensioners are not subject to the bedroom tax as others have pointed out.

Very unwise to give up a secure council tenancy. Also generally not a great idea to move at the behest of managing adult DC when newly bereaved.

Not keen on the idea of making a parent financially dependent on DC and seems unnecessary in this case? Are you in some way trying to reclaim your DM after sacrificing so much of her while she was caring for her DH? Think about treating / spending time with your DM and rebuilding your relationship with her rather than trying to run her life for her. When was the last time she could go on holiday or go for a meal etc without endless planning?

Is your DH perhaps being difficult because he is finding it difficult to challenge the emotional fallout?

Like a PP said, part of paying the private rent was so Mum could have a decent quality of life having struggled for so long when we were younger. She encouraged us to strive for great things and we both have well paid jobs and wanted to give something back. She'd never just take £400 a month off us so it was a way of helping her without her thinking the spend was frivolous.

So despite looking into a different council property, I still want to contribute to her outgoings financially. And the issue still stands with DH being selfish. I could understand if we were on the bones of our arses but the savings is just because we have the money spare and don't want to fritter it away.

Well we have established that the mum does not need to move and does not need to pay the bedroom tax. But, OP, I would be looking at your husband in a completely different light. He is not supportive and extremely selfish. Sounds extremely privileged that he does not need to help his films as they are well off. He would probably be the sort to keep his inheritance all for himself and not share! My view is that when you are married you support the family you married in to as well. She is your mother for gods sake. You are not being unreasonable.

Do you understand though that housing benefit would pay the rent in a private rental just as they do in her current flat??

I'm unsure of this.
It's a lovely thing for you to do, but then that is a lot of saving money gone that could be saved for your own future etc

I get why you wanted to pay it though as a symbolic gesture towards helping mum in a way she wouldn't see as charity. And your DH is thwarting you. But you paying her rent instead of the council won't help anyone in the long run.

Maybe you should buy your mum a monthly subscription for treats? A wine crate, fruit basket, fancy chocolates, whatever she likes. Add to her quality of life without taking over any of her essential living expenses.

SHE IS EXEMPT FROM BEDROOM TAX, over pensionable age.

I also don't have a relationship to re-build. We're very close thank you.

So, if property is cheap, could you and dsis go halves on buying a property that is suitable? it is then an investment and would make sense all round and dmum would probably be happier

Everyone saying he has no right to discuss what joint money was spent on would you be happy if he took 200 out of joint money because the OP dors not have right for final say for all money that comes out the reason for the 200 does not matter.

It's a lovely thing for you to do, but then that is a lot of saving money gone that could be saved for your own future etc

The (reasonable) comfort of your parents in their old age is your future. Almost everybody will have to deal with the fact that their parents will become old and infirm, and many older people do face financial struggles. How very selfish to imagine that as separate from "your future".