Family finances - am I BU or is DH?

[Hooli]

Without outing myself too much, my stepdad has recently passed away. My mum was a full time carer for him and has been for over 10 years (dementia and Alzheimer's). She's now past the age of really being able to get another job (67).

She's lived in a council house all her life but will now need to move as she can't afford the bedroom tax. She was exempt from this before as it was deemed she needed an extra room for his equipment and his PA when he (occasionally) stayed over.

There are no one bed flats available for her to move in to.

My older sister and I had agreed between us, years ago, that when this happened, we would rent her a flat privately and pay for this ourselves at a cost of around £200 each a month (Mum lives in a very cheap part of the UK)

DH has always known this was our intention. His family are very well off so he'd never have to financially support them in old age, but my Mum sacrificed a huge amount and had to survive on minimum wage jobs so me and my sister see it as our absolute duty and responsibility to repay that sacrifice now and we're more than happy to.

Family finances go like this - me and DH both put all our salaries in the joint account but keep £200 a month back each for personal spends. We also put £1k a month into the savings. I've proposed to drop my personal spends to £100 and take £100 from the savings, putting £900 a month in instead.

DH is now disagreeing and thinks I should fund the private rent from my own spends and therefore have no money for myself. For the record, this goes on coffees, magazines, haircuts, meals with friends and toward gifts for him and the kids.

Who is being U here?

Some councils are willing to pay tenants moving out of a larger property into a smaller one a form of compensation, I would check with them first as they also help with finding the accommodation

Sorry about your stepdad

So if you were to use your entire personal spends on supporting your mother - how does he propose you get your haircut or buy clothes? Is he happy with not to receive any further presents from you and purchase everything for the kids from his spends?

He hasn't thought this through really has he?

Clearly you have other options to look at in terms of her tenancy but whatever you end up supporting her with needs not to come from your personal spends as this will leave you in a massively unequal position and will tear apart your marriage. You only have to look at the penniless SAHM when working parent is splashing the cash threads to see the impacts.

Defiantly keep your mum where she is,sort out her exemption bedroom tax.
Urgently review your marriage.

exactly what I said - she's above pension age! & I gave government website to refer to!

DH is U.

You sound absolutely lovely OP.

I would pay the bedroom tax between you and your sister and make it known to the HA that when a ground floor one bedroom flat/bungalow becomes available that your mum will release her home to a family that will use all the bedrooms,she may not have to wait too long far less stressful for her as rental properties are not for life.

I just read the first page but why not just pay the bedroom tax? It will bem uch much much much less surely than what you are proposing to pay for private rental.

Agree with stating where she is.

But on the other points- I think DH is unreasonable. You are not proposing to ‘use up’ your joint money and leave you short each month, you are proposing to decrease the amount you are saving. He could always decide to save more if you have a savings goal.

Imagine if you both just found out he had a child that he had to support, you wouldn’t say, you have to pay £200 out of your monthly spends would you? He would pay maintainance and reduce the amount he’s transferring into the savings account.

Am I the only one wondering why you are restricting yourself to £25 a week to spend on yourself when you and your dh are obviously earning plenty?

(*Staying where she is because of not paying bedroom tax)

I think when you marry someone you take on their familial obligations as much as they take on yours. Your mother is his mother in law and she should be happy to help her out (as I’m sure you would’ve done with his parents if it were necessary). He’s not acting like part of a team.

I thin its brilliant that you want to help your mum. Can I just put a slightly different view? I have a friend (let's call her Sally) who was in a similar position with her mum and gave her several hundred a month to help her be more comfortable, holidays, social.outings etc. Although Sally's mum could manage Sally felt as her mum had struggled as a single parent when Sally was young, this was the least she could do. Fast forward 15 years Sally is now divorced, with two. Kids and is hard up and really can't afford to keep paying her mum. Unfortunately her mum in her eighties now is infirm and requires carers in the home, adaptations etc all which will have to be self funded. Sally's mum,who has no savings and used the money from her daughter as suggested, gets very very angry if Sally tries to discuss it with her. Sally wished she had saved the money for her mum for times like this and is resentful that her mum has frittered money away.

Consider investing in a second home and give your DM a life tenancy. Eventually you will be able to sell the property at a profit or maybe help another family member.
If you heavily committed yourself to subsidising your DM and you and your DH split up would you still be able to continue to do this? What if you, yourself was single again and retired? Ditto your Dsis

I think support her to stay in the local authority place would be the best way forward.

You mentioned that she wants to pass it on to a family in need because of the alterations made to make it disability accessible, but due to her age she could well need this in a few years time.

All the posters piling in to call your husband names, would probably be doing the same if the situation was reversed.

Your husband is being an unreasonable asshat.

OP I agree with everyone who said your mum should not give up a secure council tenancy. Private renting is shit and horribly insecure.

That said, I think you need to have a chat with your “D”H about your marriage and finances. You are married, therefore you are a family. Your mother is also his family. You say you both work. What would he do if you lost your job? Expect you to have no spending money? What would you do if he lost his?

You are a team. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, and it’s time he was reminded of that.

First off what are you saving for - what is the reason that all of that money is being saved as actually I think that does have a bearing - if its for your long term future family stability

Also I think your Mum has a mentality of wanting to help others and she has passed it onto your sister - I think though this means that sometimes you make decisions taking this into account. This is not one of those and staying in the house may be the longer term plan

I'd pay the bedroom tax untill the council can rehome her, which they will want to do as she has a adapted home all ready

I also don't have a relationship to re-build. We're very close thank you.

Yes and no.

You must be looking at him in a slightly different light, no?

I would be.

AGAIN - NO BEDROOM TAX IS PAYABLE.

Please at least read the OP's posts. There are updates.

Op there are others ways to help . Take her a food hamper . Pay for cleaner, gardener . Take her out for lunch . This is more likely to improve things than paying for rent in an unsecured property which may mean she may have to move when she doesn’t want to

Hmm.. this is a difficult one. Reducing your savings by £100 a month and saying that you do that for another 20 years (your mum will still only be 87) comes to £24k! Double that with your own £100 and that's £48k so much so that I'm actually questioning my own maths here?

That's a hell of a lot of money to lose out on. I really do appreciate why you want to do it but you also need to think about your own health and well-being in old age. Who knows what help you and DH will need?

It does sound to me like you agreed this with your sister but didn't talk it through with DH, I can see why he'd not be completely on board but I also see why it would make you see him in a different light. You obviously will still have substantial savings.

As others have said, she's exempt from the tax, if she wants somewhere smaller then get her on a list to swap and it's just a case of waiting. Best to do that than be at the mercy of private renting. Maybe pay for a cleaner to come in and help - much cheaper and way more practical.

If I were your DH, I’d feel the same. I wouldn’t want to be indirectly paying towards rent for my MIL for another potential 20 or 30 years. Sorry

I wouldn't like to be part of your family. How fckn mean-spirited.

So it looks as if you want to contribute to your mum financially even if she stays put (and even if there's no council tax to pay).

I agree your husband is being an ass about it, but as an alternative suggestion - why not increase the amount of personal spends for both of you? If you both got £300/mth to spend, you could send £200/mth to your mum and still have £100/mth for yourself. He would obv have all £300/mth to spend (and could choose to put some of it in savings if he wanted).

Even though I think you, your DM and DSis were on the verge of making a bad decision, I think your husband is a selfish git in terms of the way he views family finances.

Definitely don't give up a secure tenancy. Your DM wouldn't be the first person to find all those adjustments came in handy for her if she stayed in the property herself as she gets older - if there is no bedroom tax due to her age, she could just shut up the extra rooms or you (from family money!) and your sister fund a cleaner.

Or she could offer to go on the list to swap and just wait until she sees something she likes.