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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with a man again?

179 replies

Solsikke89 · 29/06/2018 17:38

Just separated from ex, I married really young. Didn't know who I was or what I wanted, there's just so many things I want to do with my life now. And I do want to be in a relationship again, not now obviously but later.

However I don't want to live with another man again. I just want us to have our own houses and see each other like that. When I explain this to my mum, she's like Hmm. But I just can't live with another man again, I like my space too much.

Anyone feel like me?

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 01/07/2018 18:40

After reading this thread, I talked about it to a friend. She told me that her mother is in her 90s now, and has lived alone since her dad died more than 60 years ago. She and her sister were babies at the time and said that her mother never had another relationship and was very happy to be single. Maybe that's why she's still alive Grin

chestylarue52 · 01/07/2018 22:58

I’ll never live with a man again. I love my flat and the sense of security that my home doesn’t depend on a relationship. I have a lover but he lives across town and we’ll stay at either place once a week for dinner sex and a cuddle. It’s perfect for me.

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 00:00

Totally understandable, if I could afford two homes, I would move DP out, see him for dates and childcare. I think he would enjoy the space too.

I love him dearly but if we broke up, I would stay single and live alone with the DC. I could not be arsed with accomadating anothers habits. You might meet someone you could share your home with, you may not. But you will enjoy your home either way. I'm well jel.

Squidgee · 02/07/2018 00:31

im another one that's quite sure I never want to live with a man again..

left Ex 9 months ago, and yes, i'm living with my mom, but we're more friends.

i'm enjoying not being harassed and groped!

Tomatoesrock · 02/07/2018 01:04

Squidgee Congratulations on your freedom.

Living with my mam again would be ace. There is time tor everything living and been great friends with your mam is time well spent.

crimsonlake · 02/07/2018 09:49

I agree. It has just been me and my boys the last 8 years, well until they both went to uni, but they pop home quite frequently. I have recently had to sell the fmh although it did not bother me that it was his home too at one time, he seemed to be there so infrequently it always felt my house.
I am now mortgage free and have downsized and struggling at a certain age to find a full time job however it is still great.
I have always maintained I would never live with someone again, yes it would be nice to have male company, but they would need to visit and then go home. I cannot see where another man would have fitted in with me and the boys as we are so used to out little unit and when they come home they like to have my undivided attention, however they do have a good group of friends they go out with. I also have a friend with benefits who I see from time to time, we enjoy each others company, go for a meal, chat rubbish and have sex and then go our separate ways.
I love being able to please myself, go where I want, do what I want, which also includes going to bed and watching catch up on my lap top, eating cereal for dinner.
Most of my friends are in the same boat, most of us feel the same.
One friend is married and on leaving her house together said to her H ' I will be back in time to make you dinner ' I turned and said to her ' your 're not his mother? ' Thank god, that is not the life I have.

JacquesHammer · 02/07/2018 17:37

My experience is that you’re seriously bucking against societal pressure when you’re openly and happily single.

Some people find it incredibly hard to process and seem to think it’s a slight against their choices which means they almost wage a campaign on getting you to admit that you are actually only “putting on a brave face” etc.

I think - certainly for women leaving long term relationships - learning to value being alone is an amazing thing to do.

clumsyduck · 02/07/2018 18:13

Some people find it incredibly hard to process and seem to think it’s a slight against their choices which means they almost wage a campaign on getting you to admit that you are actually only “putting on a brave face” etc

This . With bells on . Weirdly it's men I know that can't seem to fathom why I'm happy as I am . I mean they are not nasty or anything ,more just they can't understand me and get a bit defensive . It's ok mate I'm not going to curse your wife with some "leave your husband" potion , it's not a dig at your life choices . I'm just me !

Battleax · 02/07/2018 18:36

Well, TBF, it’s obviously dozens of us Grin

Ittakestwo · 02/07/2018 21:07

Eat what I want, when I want. Yes to the no groping urgh!! Still have the toilet seat left up (teenage boys at home) I can sleep on any side of the bed I choose. It’s was weird at first never been on my own, it’s taking time to adjust but I’m becoming very comfortable and my confidence is growing each day.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 02/07/2018 21:15

On the other hand, you can't make it sound like couples are the ones putting on a brave face but are deeply miserable. Truly some of us really do prefer live with our DH and are happy about it! Other people's arrangements have no effect on anyone else whatsoever.

--I never understand the "toilet seat" issue. Don't people put the lid down when they flush? Bad enough in a toilet if you don't, but in a bathroom? Envy

KJliving · 02/07/2018 21:24

Sounds like we married the same guy?!!!! 25 years of being bossed around by someone who thought it was the 1950’s! And as well as my job, I should have the house clean and tidy and meals on the table at 5, not a minute before or after or the moody hit wouldn’t speak, not to mention expecting sex on tap!!! No no no, alone time for me!! He has another sucker, still in honeymoon period it seems

JacquesHammer · 02/07/2018 21:34

On the other hand, you can't make it sound like couples are the ones putting on a brave face but are deeply miserable. Truly some of us really do prefer live with our DH and are happy about it! Other people's arrangements have no effect on anyone else whatsoever

Absolutely. I’d never be rude enough to comment on someone’s relationship. Sadly if you’re single it’s open season.

SilverySurfer · 02/07/2018 21:59

It's many years since I lived with a man and at the end of that relationship I resolved I wouldn't share my home with one again.

It's good to read of so many women living happy and fulfilling lives, whether alone or in a relationship but not living together.

OMG so agree about those men who live in a hovel. Years ago, first visit to BF's hovel- home. Sofa - stains, biscuit crumbs, dirty washing poked into the corner, every surface covered in dust. However the piece de resistance was the bed to which I was proudly led - single bed, pulled back the blankets to discover pale green, slimy nylon sheets. I would hazard a guess they were last washed sometime never and fumbled an excuse to have to go home.

It's a tragedy that there are so many women who are feel they would be incapable of living without a man and some of the abuse and terrible behaviour they put up with really saddens me because of that. What a pity they can't all read this thread.

KJliving · 02/07/2018 22:16

Totally agree Silverysurfer! No one completes me or is my other half! I am me and happy for first time in a long time. No longer treading on egg shells wondering when he would blow. I am sad my boys have to put up with a dad who is moody, and puts on a front with others. However, my youngest is 15 and totally gets what is going on. He is still trying to control them and said they were not allowed to tell me about his girlfriend who stays over! Found out 6 months later! I have to take deep breaths and enjoy my life

millter · 02/07/2018 22:42

I could only entertain the thought of living with a man who was as interesting as me (and even then).

So I know its never gonna happen Smile

KJliving · 02/07/2018 22:53

Ha ha, totally agree!! He also needs to be proficient at pitching a tent, cooking tasty healthy meals and listening with adoration so it ain’t gonna happen!!

PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 03/07/2018 20:27

I literally having this conversation this morning. If I was to find .myself single I genuinely believe I would stay on my own and definitely live on my own.
I envision a little bungalow all decorated beautiful with whites and creams and faux fur and nothing getting ruined or pillows lobbed on the floor....
I would have as many pets as I want and let them sleep in bed with me.
Friends over or family whenever.
I would actually enjoy a takeaway on a Saturday for one...with a decent bottle of wine....I'd go to bed at 7pm and watch my crime shows I love...
I rely don't think I would be interested In being with someone again.
I'm only 30 and have 3 dc

iamawoman · 03/07/2018 20:34

As a woman - its the dometic drudgery that spoils the romance - i wouldnt live with a man again

speakout · 03/07/2018 20:49

As a woman - its the dometic drudgery that spoils the romance

Doesn't always have to be like that.

Sharing the load helps.
I only have to cook a couple of nights a week- and never at weekends- despite eating lovely home cooked food.
I never clean out the fridge, rarely empty the dishwasher, never empty the kitchen bin, don't do much food shopping.

KJliving · 03/07/2018 20:59

Speak out you are very blessed! My ex treated me like a 1950’s housewife, even though I worked! Expected meals on table at 5 on the dot. One day I was making pancakes with the boys having a lovely time, he came in and started banging around in the dishwasher because it wasn’t a proper meat and 2veg!! A very angry man. I am happy to be alone!

JacquesHammer · 03/07/2018 21:03

The thing in my ex was great. We split the housework, he shared the load both physical and mental

I’m just not interested in a relationship. For me it isn’t about avoiding the negatives a man can bring, it’s about maintaining the positives of being single.

VioletCharlotte · 03/07/2018 21:33

Completely agree. I've lived on my own with my teen DC for three years now and couldn't be happier. I really can't think of anything positive living a man could add to my life.

speakout · 03/07/2018 21:34

My ex treated me like a 1950’s housewife

My OH could try- wouldn't get him very far though.

KJliving · 03/07/2018 22:07

I wasn’t a pushover but he got away with a lot for the sake of a quiet life for the kids.
Just happy to be me. Happy to watch the show of him in a new relationship, leopards don’t change spots and all that!!

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