To not want to live with a man again?

[Solsikke89]

Just separated from ex, I married really young. Didn't know who I was or what I wanted, there's just so many things I want to do with my life now. And I do want to be in a relationship again, not now obviously but later.

However I don't want to live with another man again. I just want us to have our own houses and see each other like that. When I explain this to my mum, she's like . But I just can't live with another man again, I like my space too much.

Anyone feel like me?

@IdLikeABiscuitPlease

God so much yes. Together with (mostly from other women)

“Ah you just haven’t met the right man yet”
“Gosh you must be lonely”
“It’ll happen, don’t worry”
“Never say never”

The latter usually being a response to my answers to the other statements. I’ve taken up saying “What will you do when your marriage ends”. Then when they say “oh it won’t” I respond with “never say never”.

It’s a slow burn but it works

Been with DH for 33 years and I agree (he's tidy too). I would gladly live on my own, the space and freedom is great. I'm a bit of a hermit.

Having said that, I'm very happy with DH and wouldn't want to be without him. But the snoring, bloody hell, I'd be without that.

Another one here, with an almost 20-year relationship gloriously behind me :)

I can't even describe the joy of not having to live with him. I love, love, love being able to make my own decisions about my home, not having to share my bed (unless I choose to occasionally but that hasn't happened yet), (or when DD has a nightmare but that's different!) not having to be repeatedly wound up by his mess. I can just about imagine a relationship with a man living nearby, in the future when the kids are older, but he still wouldn't get to move in.

OP your mum's attitude comes from a long expectation of women living with men and doing stuff for them. Many women still leap into this situation but I think more and more are realising living without a man is what they actually prefer. Especially after trying it :o

fourquenelles your gentleman caller arrangement is the kind of thing I'm aiming for!

Reading this thread has reminded me how good it feels to live on my own (apart from 17yo DS)!
I divorced my XH in 2012 having moved out 6 months previously. Oh my god I had planned it for years, and the sheer joy of making my own decisions and having my own space without him behaving like a child was AMAZING! I've not had a partner since then mostly being scared to get hurt again, and recently been feeling like dipping my toe in the water, need to get brave. I'd been thinking it would be nice to have someone to share my home with as well as my life but yes it totally depends on the person and tbh I don't think I could easily share my space with someone again (to live with). Living apart would be the best!
This thread has made me reappreciate how empowering it is to live on your own

Not rtft but my mum did this after she divorced my dad. She always wanted to live in the city centre of my hometown so she bought a lush little two-bed flat in her favourite part of the town and decorated it exactly the way she wanted (the flat looks super cool, it’s quirky and it looks like my mum), and she bloody loves it. She was in a relationship with a man for about four years and she always said that she never ever wanted to move in with him but he could visit her and she could visit him. It worked ok but after some years the man did want my mum to move in with him and in the end they split up (not entirely because of it but it played a large part). Initially my mum was sad and missed the man but it’s been a year now and she is living the dream again. She has this big corner sofa that she named Rupert and whenever we finish a phone call she says she’s going for a gentle cuddle with Rupert. Haha.

If I wasn’t with my husband I would do exactly what my mum’s doing. I absolutely love being by myself. But I love my husband more than solitude so we’ll be living together for a long time, I hope.

No way would I live with another man. It’s too much.
It would be me and the pets

I have a friend whose family fondly tease their old granny because she has a gentleman friend but refuses to marry him, because she "doesn't want to be responsible for his children" - who are all in their 40s. I can see where she's coming from, actually. Having a person in your life for social and emotional reasons is completely different from entering into a marriage where you are now required to take on certain responsibilities.

I live alone in a sense but with my two children. I absolutely love it. I will never move in with a man again. There has been a pattern with all the previous relationships I have had with men: I am single. I have a job and a flat and a life and some friends and some hobbies and lots going on and am happy but kind of feel like a guy might be nice. then I meet someone I like / fancy and go a bit funny: it all seems so exciting and lovely. I invite him over, more and more, and enjoy showing him very comfortable and warm hospitality. He invites me to his place but I don't love it because everything is a bit grubby and the bathroom is a bit grim and there is never anything nice to eat and the glasses are greasy. So we hang out a lot at my place which is clean and comfortable and I make nice meals. One day I suddenly realise that what used to be hospitality is now just me running a home that a guy who never does anything towards it, now has rights to, or acts as if he does. Then I get pissed off. then we start rowing. I also notice how little he pays for things, how much he smokes and eats crap, how boring he is when he talks about himself all the time and won't ask me how my day was and how work was going. Then we have a big bust up and break up. Then I get a hair cut, do a huge spring clean on my house, phone up all my friends I should never have neglected, lose a stone, start a new hobby and..... rinse and repeat.

This time I am just going to stay in the bit where I have the friends and the hobbies and have lost the stone and am having fun.

@YeahCorvid

Your friend’s granny might, rightly, be concerned about who inherits her money. If she marries her man friend and then she dies and he inherits everything, then he dies and his children could inherit her property instead of it going to her own family. People can draw up wills to prevent this happening, but if your will says, for example, everything goes to your spouse, to be then split among both sets of children on death of the surviving spouse, the surviving spouse can change their will after the death of the first spouse. So then they change their will to actually, I’m leaving it all to my own children. If that makes sense? Probably not! I’m not very good at explaining this sort of thing!

I invite him over, more and more, and enjoy showing him very comfortable and warm hospitality. He invites me to his place but I don't love it because everything is a bit grubby and the bathroom is a bit grim and there is never anything nice to eat and the glasses are greasy. So we hang out a lot at my place which is clean and comfortable and I make nice meals.

Omg this!

I’ve noticed this pattern. I’d say out of all the guys I’ve dated, only 20-30% have really had a nice home that is clean and tidy with decent food in and a nice ambience. The majority have seemed happy to be in grotty surroundings with a toilet that hasn’t been properly scrubbed in months, dust or dirt all over. It’s not about wealth or assets, I’ve generally lived in house shares while single but I still kept my room and en suite squeaky clean and tidy, lit candles etc. I’ve never dated a guy where we’ve spent more time at his than mine, because it’s always like this, they’re happy living in a hovel yet really enjoy spending night after night at my place where it’s nice 😂

"they’re happy living in a hovel yet really enjoy spending night after night at my place where it’s nice 😂"

Exactly. If you like clean fluffy towels so much why don't you buy yourself some decent towels and wash them occasionally? Oh - because you don't need to. You come to mine whenever you want and use these ones

Rhubarb - valid point

@FranticallyPeaceful - That makes sense. Thanks for explaining. It's hard to get a fuller picture with such short comments, and it sheds a different light on things.

Your DM sounds like mine, and MIL.

YANBU. If my marriage ever goes tits up I won’t live with a man again.

YANBU.

I've been with OH 5 years, we live 20 minutes apart. Spend time at each other's homes. But it's nice to come home have space and time to myself

I was married previously, also a live-in LTR before then. I realised a while ago that I find living with a man too intense. I don't really want the mental load, domestics etc. I have a good social life but like my own company too. Home has to be very peaceful.

YeahCorvid - You nailed it for me. This, exactly. I love taking care of people, cooking for them, making a home. Problem is, that that comes at a price I'm no longer willing to pay when it comes to a male partner.

I'm trying my hand at internet dating at the moment, and being very honest about what I want: I don't want a FWB, but I don't want a co-habitee either.

Unsurprisingly, no takers so far. I noticed a small part of me wanting to adjust my profile to make it more acceptable. That won't be happening.

I think happiness being alone might come with age. When I was younger I didn't much like my own company and would seek out others after a few days spent alone. Now I'm completely the other way round!

Although I have to say that all of you living alone except for younger children might feel differently when the children have left home. If mine come home to stay for a few days it's nice to feel the house full of chat and TV and company again. But I absolutely don't want to recreate that with a man. Mine is lovely (mostly) and clean in his habits, but I don't want to have to start compromising over every single thing again.

Semi-detached relationship. It's the best way, honestly.

Semi-detached relationship. It's the best way, honestly

It’s the best way for you. Definitely won’t be for everyone!

@Zaphodsotherhead this is why I get the when I say I don't want to live with a man again, because I'm 28 they think I will change my mind. They always say what you just said," you might feel different when the kids have left home". Well when they do, I've got a list the length of my arm of things I want to do. And who knows if I ever meet a man who ticks all the boxes, I'm happy on my own. There's more to life than a man.

Sol - people used to say this to me. 'You won't know what to do with yourself when they leave home!'

Yes I bloody did. After 27 years of putting myself second or third, I also had a very long list.

And Jacques, yes, I've lived with many men over my years. And been besottedly in love with some of them. Still prefer living on my own.

I do live with DH but my god, I miss my space and autonomy. He's really neat and tidy and I'm just not. I keep a clean house but I don't mind if toys are out or the table is covered in art stuff. He really does.

I'd be quite happy to never be in a relationship again if I got divorced. I'd probably miss being brought cups of tea in bed and that awesome salmon pasta thing he makes though. I reckon I could find enough people to sleep with to keep me happy as well.

LadyFlumpalot I feel I have a lot of space and autonomy.

OH works long hours and travels a lot with work, I am at home alone much of the time which I love.

He makes no demands of me, never criticises and we have separate bedrooms.
We have a fantastic relationship, and I think the space helps.

We have a fantastic relationship

Which of course is great because that’s what you want.

@JacquesHammer 😂😂😂😂

Oh Corvid you nailed it!!
Yes, yes, yes.
In fact dps place isn't too bad and he does cook very well, but yeah he's mostly at my place, and yes I start to get narked that he uses my nice fluffy towels and doesn't ever vacuum or tidy! And yes I have told him I won't come over if his bathroom isn't clean.
It enrages me actually because they do bloody like a nice house with fluffy towels and a clean fridge and amenities like bathmats! But they won't get it together to do it for themselves.
It gives me the rage.
I don't know one woman who lives with a man and doesn't despair at how much more she does domestically, or how much she has to demand he pull his weight. Not one. And yet MN is full of women whose husbands do "50/50"...
It's astonishing.