How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

Stretchoutandwait - as a linguist, the main focus of my interest in types of child care is the effect they have on language development. If you care to read about this (there are multiple sources but Erika Hoff is good for beginners) you quickly grasp that language development in humans is massively a function of input/environment. It is quite easy to measure the progress of language development in small children (albeit in lab conditions) and to draw quite robust conclusions about different sorts of environments.

I think the criticism of the OP is a little overboard. Our DD (9mo) has started nursery in the last few weeks and also does 12 hours, 7-7 and seems to be coping just fine with it. She is only there two days a week whilst my wife and I both work about an hour away in London, but we have both sets of parents about 5 minutes away if there are any emergencies.

Obviously, every baby is different, but ours seems to have settled well and has become really sociable and has picked up so much just in the short time she has been there

Thank you everyone for the most recent posts. I stepped away from the thread for a while because the posts insinuating I was a terrible parent for going back to work leaving my "tiny baby" (who can walk and communicate...)/not being able to get a nanny overnight just weren't helpful & were clearly just trying to be emotive. I took the maximum maternity leave allowance, he's had me at home for a whole year. I have to keep working to be able to afford to live. I'm doing the minimum I can in terms of work hours, I just don't have the option to do half days or move closer to home. Like a PP, I live in a very small area but it is a commuter area too, the majority of people travel for an hour or more on the train to the nearest city so I doubt the nursery would expect one of us to arrive immediately if DS was unwell. I can get there within an hour during non rush hour traffic so it'll be the same as the majority of parents using the nursery.

I think part of the issue is that the first trials were done almost 2 months ago now. At that stage, DS was just about happy in a bouncer & was a very different baby. So they're continuing to do the same things that worked then due to the huge gaps between trial days so I think part of the problem with the bouncer comes down to that. They do seem genuinely caring so I plan to make them a new outline of what he likes (we did all this when we first signed up but that's now changed) & see where that gets us over the next couple of weeks.

Yes, I asked for opinions on nanny vs nursery & yes we can afford either (although obviously nursery leaves us more comfortable) but we'd be hard pressed to cover the cost of both together so even if we swap to a nanny, he can't realistically go there until the nursery grace period ends as our contract I believe is 2 months (I did check last week but I've forgotten exactly as it was in weeks) & after looking at finances, it would make things very tight to do both together. However, I greatly appreciate all of the input people have taken the time to write & it's something I am talking through with DH for the near future. I'm not ignoring the feedback as has been suggested, I just can't act on it immediately. The main reason we went for a nursery was because we can't cover a nanny's holidays/sicknesses with our annual leave, we just wouldn't have enough. We find it hard to co-ordinate our annual leave as it is without trying to book off dates to accommodate a nanny's holidays. Although we obviously want the best for DS, we have to be realistic about things too & not leave ourselves in a situation where we are 100% reliant on that one person so we are at a complete loss if they're unwell/off for whatever reason.

Thank you again to all those lovely supportive responses, you've been so helpful & I appreciate you taking the time to give me such detailed responses. I think I'm going to leave it here with the post but thank you

You’ve been a v gracious poster, and you’ve not risen to provocation
You’re a good parent balancing a demanding job,and all that entails
Good luck,and I have learned nursery is a contentious topic,for some it causes a fierce and indignant haze

nursery leaves us more comfortable

OK that's good.

I just wanted to say i am nursery nurse who has worked in nurseries and as nanny and now trained as teacher and will be going back to work after having child, its shocking some of the replies on here. You are doing the best for ur child and some children do take longer to settle at nursery. But thats ok , its a parents right to put their child in childcare without others telling them they r awful parents! I wouldnt say a nanny is automatically the better option for a 11 month old, there r pros and cons for both. Wishing u all best

@petrolpump28 why do you have such a bee in your bonnet about this? If you are so sure that nursery is bad, why do you care? Just sit back and be smug that your children will have superior outcomes to the poor kids abandoned at those terrible institutions by their selfish parents.

Of all the issues facing children in the country and world today, I just cannot get too wound up about other people's childcare choices.

If,you can afford one to one care for your child why consider anything else? If,you can afford leather shoes, why buy plastic ones. This is your dc, your prized possession of him having a nanny means eating beans on toast three times a week do it. His happiness, security and well-being come before how much money you have in the bank!

maymai I can afford one-to-one care for my child. I send him to nursery (3 days a week, like the OP) from 7.30 am to 6pm so 10.5 hours a day. He is 22 months now and started nursery aged 12 months. I choose nursery because:

1. I want him to spend time in a busy environment to counteract his quieter days at home with me
2. They have loads of brilliant toys there
3. He has a lovely key worker with whom he has a bond
4. I don’t particularly want him to have a one -to-one bond with another person while in our home environment.
5. They do fun things like sports day, having the fire brigade to visit, hatching chicks from eggs in nursery
6. I feel that he’ll transition better to school having been in a group environment from a young age than he would moving into a class after being at home with one on one car
7. They have a dedicated cook making lovely food so I don’t need to think about his diet 3 days a week (would still have to discuss food and budget with a nanny).
8. He eats better in a group environment than at home.
9. He won’t have any siblings so I’d like him to be with other kids learning to share etc, and I don’t think strong enough relationships are formed with other kids simply by meeting them in the park or at church playgroups.

Does that answer your question?

I don’t particularly want him to have a one -to-one bond with another person while in our home environment.

It's hard to know where to start with that one, JessieMcJessie.

Oh go on Totally, you know you want to.

Not yet, Jessie. I'm still trying to get my mind round the multifarious wrongnesses of that particular statement...

In your opinion Totally.

I don’t particularly want him to have a one -to-one bond with another person while in our home environment.

Why on earth not?

You don't seriously think it would detract from your relationship with him, do you?

Secure one to one relationships with responsive and affectionate carers is absolutely crucial to babies' development. That is the reason nurseries work hard to replicate these relationships, not always successfully, by creating key-person roles.

I don’t particularly want him to have a one -to-one bond with another person while in our home environment.

That’s a bit...creepy?

Home is for our family, where my child has secure one on one attachment to me (with whom he spends 4 days out of 7) his father and his grandmother, who visits frequently. He is not lacking in secure attachment. I don’t feel it’s appropriate for a non family member to be his principal carer three days a week in our home. I believe it’s much less confusing for him to associate his other carer with a different physical environment and not get confused about why she is around sometimes but not other times. As I said, he has a good attachment to his nursery key worker.

This is my personal opinion (and my husband agrees). I’m not interested in academic studies or others’ opinions.

It is important as adults not to let our insecurities negativity impact on what research has shown is in the best interests of our dc. I don't think the original OP has done this when trying to make her choices.

I can understand not wanting a nanny in your home - it takes getting used to, having someone in your personal space.

This is my personal opinion (and my husband agrees)

I bet he wouldn't dare do otherwise.

I’m not interested in academic studies or others’ opinions.

Okay...

Some places just don’t suit a child

I sent my DC2 to a nursery up the road and he hated it . And friends kids attended no worries . And boy did he hate it !

Then started him at a different (visually nicer) one he loved it

It might be it’s bit a fit for him and he needs another one ?

@Stretchoutandwait if you’re not sure how relevant it is, I suggest you read it.

I have read it. It doesn't seem relevant. I am still waiting for someone to provide a link to a single peer-reviewed published study which clearly shows that nursery is harmful to under 3s. If there are so many this should be an easy task.

My twins started nursery at 2. Initially I put them in for full days and they didn't settle. The nursery said that the would actually be better with shorter sessions, building up over a period of time. So I put them in 3 half days a week, then 4, and in August they will go in one full day and 4 half days. They have been transitioned through each change and there has been minimal fuss and upset.

A nursery is not harmful for the under 3’s. I wouldn’t have sent my DC’s to one from 6 months old if there was even the slightest risk of any negative issues.

DT’s are now at Uni but still keep in touch with the nursery owner and some of the staff. The nursery care contributed to them being happy children who were eager to discover and learn. DH and I visited several nurseries and childminders and interviewed a nanny but decided that a nursery would provide the best care for our DC’s. They were at the same nursery until they started school,