How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

I guess the advantage of it nanny could be a more sensible wake up/bed time. If he isn't settling at nursery during those 12 hours he must be very tired.

OP. Sorry to hear LO isn’t struggling with the transition to Nursery. No anti nursery agenda here (used from 10m for both of mine) but in your really specific set of circumstances a Nanny would probably be much better in terms of providing care in a familiar setting, with option to attend playgroups when he is older. Both parents 2 hours away is logistically too far away for a child at Nursery, I’m surprised the Nursery admitted him tbh. Also, don’t take milestones and animal recognition as indicators of readiness for nursery (I bring them up because you’ve mentioned the animals a few times). If he is repeatedly ‘telling’ you that he is distressed at Nursery then a Nanny or childminder would be a gentler move from parent care to childcare.

13 months and 12 hours a day for 3 days, poor baby no wonder he cries, he still very much needs his mummy. You would be better with a nanny but you may find he gets upset with that to at his age.

How on earth do the SAHM brigade here afford to stay at home once their maternity leave ends? I’ve never seen such an anti-childcare thread.
Some women have to work, not everyone has the luxury of staying at home 24/7 until the child starts school.
OP do what feels best for you. I put my son in a nursery when he was 9 month old (the horror!) for 3 days a week. He had a rough time settling but was ok after a week. Admittedly they weren’t 12 hour days. He is perfectly fine 10 years on and not socially dysfunctional or embittered.

Bwatchwatcher in our case we managed it by seriously tightening our belts. We’d already bought a house with a relatively low mortgage, went down to one car, changed our supermarket, changed our holiday destinations. It all made a difference. It was hard and at times frustrating but completely worth making those sacrifices. Not all SAHMs are swanning round spending their DH’s large salaries .
Sometimes - and not always - when people say they can’t afford for one parent to stay at home, what they mean is they don’t want the change in lifestyle that will come with that decision. There’s nothing wrong with that, but better to own that decision than imply it’s somehow easy for other people to be SAHM-SAHD.
The thread may have moved on since I last posted and mentioned John Bowlby but a really young child in nursery who is “So sociable and happy to go to anyone “ is often just unsure who their primary caregiver is, hence why a childminder or nanny is a better option, certainly before they’re 2.

We had the same cost issues, but I did return to work. I was bloody glad I did because the bottom dropped out of my husband’s employment sector not long after our second was born and I became the main wage earner in the family 2 years later.

I apologise if I do not have a handle on the situation.

Why have a baby if you won't care for him?

While I don’t need to point it out, I will in case anyone mutters ‘that would never happen to my DH he has a university degree/professional qualifications’ we are both university educated professionals.

I am glad for those on this thread who were successfully able to move to SAHM roles, but this is not a good choice for everyone.
I can remember poopooing working mothers with ‘why did they bother having children if they’re at work and never see them’.
I am so ashamed of that now, it is such a narrow viewpoint.

Cripes. This makes me want to rage. No one has the right to judge anyone for their childcare arrangements. Both ours have long days at nursery - standard in London when you have professional jobs and a commute either side. What I will say OP is you should consider a Nanny but purely for your own ease. I don't know what job you have but being out of the house 12 hours a day is a drain and add laundry and dinner on top and you'll burn out (I know, I did).

Get a Nanny who will help with the household jobs for your LO too and give yourself a break.

And finally, we are all different people with different stories. Wouldn’t it be better to support the OP helpfully than making nasty comments like @lynmilne65’s.

What about lone parents? Are we allowed to quit our jobs and stay at home on benefits to look after the kids?

Nope, that would make us scroungers not SAHMs.

Babyshark. I get that you can't find a nanny overnight (though I wonder why you didn't think of it sooner). But as your DH is taking annual leave for a week to stay near to the nursery, why doesn't he use his annual leave to look after your DS at home? Could you take annual leave the following week and do the same, to bridge the gap before the nanny is available? Just a thought.

Op - some of the replies are ridiculous.

Women are their own worst enemies. Perhaps if we were a bit better at supporting each others choices, we would all be better off.

If you trust the nanny and can afford it for the next 10 months to a year, I would go with that. But your choice, and what ever you choose your child will be appropriately cared for.

@Dorigen like I said, DS had trials several weeks ago and was fine. The problem has only arisen over the last 1 week/10 days. I've only just gone back to work after maternity and can't take any annual leave as a result. Either way, in a week's time, neither of us can take any further leave & we have no option but nursery so rather than him missing this week an suddenly doing a full day next week for 2 days, it makes sense for him to experience a few hours this week with DH outside.

BookAtBedtime I'm not a SAHM but I spend the vast majority of time with my DD (I currently work a few days a month, term time only) and found your post so inspiring. Thank you!

(DH has DD when I'm working as he does shift work.)

I guess the bit that's unpalatable is that OP can afford to make some changes but chooses not to.

So many families are just scraping by, a mad dash to childcare worrying about the child and their jobs or it all becomes unbearable and one parent( usually mum ) steps off the merry go round.
People with a good network of supportive friends and family might be able to bob along without too much stress.

Its not easy balancing a career, a commute, a baby and finances but neither is it kind to anyone to have a child who is distressed.

I'm not going to read the thread. It looks like it would make me angry.
Op my dd2 struggled to settle for a while. She did though and nursery said that they all pretty much do.
I think it's how they handle it that should affect your decision making.
I am very happy to be able to work part time..not every ones wants to stay at home.

This is not directed at the OP.

The problem with these threads is exactly as @user1499173618 has it - the more posters know about child development, the warier they are about nurseries for children under three. Personal anecdotes, accusations of “anti-nursery agendas” or banging on about a woman’s right to work do not undermine what child development studies have shown over and over again.

It is also possible to accept that the ideal situation for a child under three is to be at home with a primary carer, whilst also accepting that not everyone’s circumstances allow for that and that all parents are trying their best.

Separately, @GertieGumboyle it is lovely to hear that you don’t regret have your years as a SAHM. I’m sure your children don’t either.

TL:DR nurseries are not the best place for a child under three. One primary carer doesn’t have to mean mother.

. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

So two half hour trials he was ok but the others two trials weren't 'fine', he was distraught .
You asked for opinions . Your gut instinct and your real life friends as well as the majority on here have said , pay for the nanny that you initially said you could afford .

It is also possible to accept that the ideal situation for a child under three is to be at home with a primary carer, whilst also accepting that not everyone’s circumstances allow for that and that all parents are trying their best.

V well put @pramly and I agree.

Also completely agree that there's no reason the primary carer shouldn't be the dad. All too often it's assumed to be the mum's role/responsibility. And I also think if you're lucky enough to have grandparents who can do some of the childcare that's a fantastic option.

I havent read the full thread but i personally would opt for the nanny. It is expense but in the short term, neither of your work will appreciate either of you veing called to collect on a regular basis. It will cause problems with your employers and you will have an unhappy child. Neither is productive.

Pramly yes spot on