How upset is ok for nursery before enough is enough?

[Babysharkdoodoodoooooo]

So AIBU to think its time to say nursery isn't working..? Please be gentle- posted here for more traffic. It may seem trivial but it's caused a huge dispute between DH & I so I need some opinions before I make things worse by continuing arguing my opinion (if I'm wrong!)

Backstory, 13 month old baby has been signed up for nursery as it was the best we looked around and seemed to have nice staff. He's been for several "trial days". The first 2 were for half an hour & he seemed ok. On coming back, he was sat on the lap of one of the nursery staff playing. The third time, when I arrived, he was asleep but gasping how he does when he has gone to sleep crying (I've only ever seen him do it post vaccines previously so must have been very upset prior to falling asleep), third time DH was called to get him early because he was so upset, 4th time DH again called to collect him because he'd been crying solidly for 2 hours.

He's a very sociable baby. Has been looked after by various family members & a nanny without problems.

DH feels he will be fine & should continue going to nursery & doesn't want to pay more for a nanny. As of next week we are both back at work 2 hours from nursery so if upset, we can't get to him as we have done previously. A nanny who provided emergency childcare on a few occasions & whom he has been happy with has just had an opening & offered to take him instead but obviously as a nanny, is considerably more than nursery. DH says it is unnecessary expenditure and he just needs more time to settle. I'm not sure when enough is enough. For reference, he will be at nursery 3 days a week for 12 hours a day although thus far 2 hours is the maximum that's gone by before one of us has been called.

Am I being unreasonable? Does he just need more time to settle in at nursery? The staff say when he's gone, he just lies on the floor crying but when he is with anyone else, he is a highly sociable, happy baby. Friends are telling me the nanny is the right thing to do. I don't want to fight with DH but I want to do the right thing by DS. It's caused a huge fight with DH over the last few days as he is insisting DS remain at nursery & I just hate seeing him so upset.

Absofrigginlootly

metoo you started quoting what I wrote but it appears it went wrong with your quote/bold etc so I think you may have got my post backwards.... I’m not trying to justify putting my DC into a nursery. I’m a SAHM because I personally believe it is the best thing for most DC (it certainly is for my child and her personality).

There is lots of evidence to suggest that nursery care and preschool is actually beneficial for children from disadvantaged and neglectful backgrounds though so I think the nursery = always bad arguement is more nuanced than that
agreed but op child is not looked after or disadvantaged

My 5 year old who we adopted a few year ago went to Nursey because she used to be in care my smallest is with a childminder

Thanks, coffee - tbh it probably was fair to delete the post (though I think a lot of other posts on this thread should have been deleted) as it was too personal, but I was just getting so cross at the women making other women feel bad and clearly enjoying it.

Interesting what you say about you and your brother. Actually, my brother and me were the other way round - we moved house when he was tiny and mum didn't find a new job until he was two, so he was at home much longer than me. He's actually more sociable than me, and probably less neurotic, so the other way round to your and your brother, and I'm sure many people on this thread would jump on that as 'proof' I was damaged by nursery and he wasn't. But actually, we're just a bit different - we both have strengths/weaknesses that the other doesn't. We both lead pretty happy and successful lives. Which is my point - I'm not trying to say that children who go to nursery come out 'better', I'm saying that you can't tell from adults or even older children who did and who didn't. It's one influence among so many, but to read this thread you'd think nursery is condemning a child for life.

I am not anti nursery per se but I think in your circumstances a nanny is your best option. Your baby will be in his own home with one care giver, there will be plenty of opportunities for him to socialize with other children if she brings him to toddler groups, the park etc. You could try the nursery option again in perhaps a year's time. Good luck with your decision.

Lisasimpsonsbff - I 100% agree with your last post and everything else you have said. Crazy thinking, but perhaps we all are the way we are because of the way we’re wired and the thousands of different experiences we encounter over the course of our lives...

I’m not a SAHM because that’s not the right thing for our family. Others will be SAHPs because that is the right thing for their family. I totally respect that, but what I don’t respect are those who then sit there ignoring their own children so that they can waste time on the internet slagging off others for “not being there for their children”.

@coffee

Thanks! I'm a lone parent, already stayed an extra year at home, I don't feel I have much choice, and can't afford a nanny.

Its a workplace nursery so can pop in every few hours, and he's never shown any separation anxiety so hopefully will be ok.

@BookAtBedtime
Sorry for arrogantly assuming you were replying directly to me

@LisaSimpsonsbff
“I'll probably stick to getting my nursery facts from someone who can spell 'nurseries', thanks.”
😂

Don’t you think it’s rather insulting to suggest that SAHMs aren’t “using [their] brain”?

On MN I’ve been told I’m not using my brain/intelligence/wasting my education & qualifications/not contributing equally to my marriage/not contributing to society/not setting a good example to my DD/setting myself up for future financial ruin etc etc etc by being a SAHM

I just do this 🙄

Not only insulting to SAHMs to insinuate they "don't use their brains" but to anyone working in a caring profession. Why is providing care not deemed a brain-worthy thing to do? Patriarchy right there folks.

Thread well and truly derailed now though, sorry....

Bookatbedtime - I’m sorry if you took offence to my post. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by that comment. Personally I don’t find being a parent “intellectually” challenging in the same way as many careers are intellectually challenging. Yes, it is extremely hard work and challenging in loads of other ways. In many ways it’s the “hardest” job there is and it’s the job I will always put the most time and effort into. It’s also without doubt the most rewarding job I will ever do. BUT when I spend day in day out cleaning nappies, cooking meals, co-ordinating bathtimes/bedtimes, stopping my toddler from drinking water from the dogs bowl etc, I don’t ever have to use my brain and really think about things and get my head around things I don’t understand in the way I do at work . Many people miss that challenge. Many people don’t. Neither is right or wrong.

Peking order

Thanks for injecting some levity into this thread, metoodear.

What about a bit of both? I mum I knew did both. The nanny came from first thing in the morning Helped while the adults were getting ready for work etc. Then took the little one to the nursey where they stayed for the rest of the day. It reduces the little one doing 12 hours, you getting the up side of him socilaising with less of the risk of lone carer all the time.

Book excellent post

@Hodness32 what is this 'risk of a lone carer' of which you speak? I spent about eleven years in total as a SAHM (and lone carer, as DH was mostly not there) to children under five. I'm not quite sure how anyone would think this was risky.

And, believe it or not, I did manage to socialise my children. SAHPs, nannies, CMs do all take their children to toddler groups, parks, play centres, etc. What's more, their children don't only socialise with their peers, unlike children at nursery: they socialise with a massive range of people (age-wise, culture-wise, etc, etc). This in turn helps them to develop language (a toddler who spends all day with other toddlers isn't going to become desperately articulate as a result). When mine were small, the children who were the most articulate and confident were those who had been cared for either in their own homes or at a CM's home.

I took it that she meant what the OP was referring to - concerns over holiday cover/sickness etc.... i.e. nursery is “less risky” because there will always be someone there.....??

Some suggestions that you use your brain more working than being a SAHM....
what if your job is monotonous, you've done same job for years, etc as many folk do? I only know one person who still does regular training etc through work, most folk turn up do the same thing every day that they know inside out, go Mumsnet etc. I think being a SAHM uses way more brain power as you learn about how to care/teach for each new stage of your child.

Taking good care of babies and children takes a lot of brain power. Your job as a primary carer is to create an environment in which a child will flourish physically, psycholocally, socially, intellectually. Small children grow fast and adjusting the environment to their needs takes thought and effort.

BookAtBedtime

Love your post

So many polar view on here, working parents vs. SAHP - who uses their brain more? Nursery vs childminders vs SAHP, which one restricts children’s development the most? Fucking hell, different horses for different courses surely. You choose what works for you. Just because one thing worked for you, doesn’t mean everything else is inadequate.

My DS tried nursery and cried every single time both on drop off which I would assume is normal and would be already crying when we picked him up (so red that he would have been crying for hours). I gave it a couple of months (wasn't everyday anyways) nothing changed so gave notice and moved him to a childminder with 3 kids total. My Gosh the difference that made. Here was a happy kid, waking up pointing out of the window (she's also a neighbour) wanting to go there! Crying because he doesn't want to leave to come home after!! If your gut says no, take your kid out. It's not healthy for him to keep him there

OP: Nursery or nanny for DS? I can afford either.

The whole of MN (bar LipstickCoffeeEtc): Nanny

OP: La la la, I can't hear you, I'm just going to do what my DH tells me to do and send DS to nursery anyway.

@user1493391099 I really don't think you have any handle on the situation. I'm not at all materialistic. I assure you I don't have an evoke or anything similar. I have a very basic car. I drive 2 hours because I work in a medical job, in a niche speciality. I relocate jobs relatively often as a result of being in a medical job. I have spent many many years and a lot of student loans to get to where I am and would not be able to go back to my work without a lot of retraining if I took any significant length of time off.

I don't work in a job where I can work down the road in a random office or work shorter hours. I'm doing the best I can to get childcare for my DS to allow me to continue working. I've spent half my life studying to allow me to do this job. My husband is in a very similar situation. Neither of us are in flexible jobs where we can choose our hours or leave our work uncovered. We definitely aren't travelling for "mega bucks"!

@Dorigen I didn't say that. I said I couldn't arrange a nanny overnight so he would be going to nursery for the next 2 weeks either way which will give us more time to see how he is. The nanny isn't available to start with immediate effect.