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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Evicting my sister who doesn’t pay rent

236 replies

Vanessatiger · 27/06/2018 08:36

Back story: half sister divorced a few years back, left with her SN child. Lived with my parents, was depressed about her situation, was saving to buy her own place.
We were buying an investment property in the central parts of London. She occupied that flat (2 beds and newly renovated), paid no rent. Got herself a good highly paid job, didn’t offer to pay anything, we pay the council tax and associated costs with having the flat. We pay her water and heating. I’m a bit fed up frankly, and she says she’s saving her whole salary to buy the new place. She also buys a few designer handbags meanwhile.

AIBU to evict her by September? To rent it out to a bills and rent paying tenant?
The idea was that she’d take care of the flat, fix things that get broken etc, but last time I went nothing was fixed. Shower door was creeky, dish washer door was loose etc..

She’d have to go live with my parents until she sorts herself out.

I say we’re half siblings because she didn’t benefit from the economic advantage i got from one parent’s family’s side. So my husband and I are much more well off than her.

Help, it feels like I’m going to upset up

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 05/07/2018 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trojanpony · 05/07/2018 13:44

You are clearly incredibly generous and involved in their lives but unfortunately hissy is most likely spot on.

Her behaviour and guilt tripping is poor form but she sounds like she is one of life’s takers.

You can’t control her actions only your own.

DeathlyPail · 05/07/2018 13:55

It this a stealth look at me post really.

Paying for a flat at £3000 a month, without noticing
Paying for 5* holidays

Are all your family extremely wealthy or is it just you.

This is not how mere mortals live, we would help out our families in times of need but not to this extent or even an equivalent within our means.

Vanessatiger · 05/07/2018 14:00

I just feel really sad she reacted this way. Not once did she say thank you nor did she ask if she can help me with something

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/07/2018 14:04

Vanessa, you did nothing wrong.

she won't ever agree with you, but that's her issue, not yours.

Focus on you and yours. she will have to work her own life out.

jetSTAR · 05/07/2018 14:41

It’s a sad situation and I’m sorry for you OP but IMVHO you have done the right thing. It’s not ok for her to let you pay most of her living costs and then she buys designer handbags. Why don’t you wait and let the situation cool down a bit if that is possible?

mickeysminnie · 05/07/2018 17:04

You say in another thread that your parents had gifted you a property. Did they not also gift your sister a property?
If your parents are that wealthy surely they can finance your sister?

CoraPirbright · 05/07/2018 17:11

I am so sorry she is being such a spoilt cow but good for you for finallly making this decision. When the flying monkeys inevitably come, have a list ready of what you have spent on her since she moved in (tot up everything including these holidays why on earth are you doing that btw?). It will run into the many tens of thousands!! Then point out that she is on a very healthy salary. Hopefully that will shut them up. I am really Angry on your behalf!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/07/2018 17:15

Not once did she say thank you nor did she ask if she can help me with something

She probably won't thank you for any holidays either, so I wouldn't be funding those any more

If you really want to treat your niece, why not offer to take her away with you? At least that way she might learn a better sense of values than she'd get from her mother

Juells · 05/07/2018 17:16

@mickeysminnie

You say in another thread that your parents had gifted you a property. Did they not also gift your sister a property?

I have a feeling that the property may have come to the OP from the parent that's not shared with her SS.

Juells · 05/07/2018 17:17

Sorry, half sister, not step sister.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/07/2018 17:23

"Now I’m the villain for kicking her out according to some family members I’ve spoken to privately.. "

Tell them they're very welcome to step in and subsidise her to the tune that you already have, namely £3k/month for two years!

"Sadly yes I’m the scapegoat of the family and she’s the golden child, at least mother thinks so ..."
This is a very sorry state of affairs, and I have no respect at all for parents who behave so abominably. My sympathies are all with you Vanessa, for having a mother and a half-sister like this. hugs

Andylion · 05/07/2018 17:46

She said she’ll pack up her stuff and move to my parents

Do you believe her, OP?

Mix56 · 05/07/2018 17:47

Well the other relations were happy with you enabling her, of course they will say she is being badly treated, they haven't, so far, had to bare the load.
Add up all the holidays etc. tell them a figure, just how much she has bled you for. They do not need to know whether you can afford it, or not, it's none of their business.
She is an entitled viper. It ends there

Mix56 · 05/07/2018 17:48

Tell her you have a paying tenant moving in. Make it happen

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/07/2018 19:41

And what does it matter if the family think you're a villain for not indulging her?

Let's face it, you'd be the villain no matter what you refused her, so it might as well be over something where you can recoup some of the money in future - unlike, say, a holiday where it's a sunk cost

LeslieKnopesWaffle · 05/07/2018 20:22

My husband thinks it’s alright letting her stay for free as the money goes unnoticed.
I can’t really tell her I can’t afford it as I can afford to let her stay for free

If it were my sister and the above were true for me I wouldn't dream of kicking her out.

Generosity is relative.

BlueAnemone · 05/07/2018 20:22

You say you have two young children. Please consider your relationships from their perspective. Do you want them to see you as someone worthy of respect, or someone who allows others to treat them badly? Even at this tender age they'll be picking up vibes about how you allow yourself to be treated, and this is their model for adult relationships.

It sounds like the lesson they'll be learning is that their auntie sulks until she gets what she wants. Their auntie never says thank you, and that's fine. Their auntie treats their mummy badly, and mummy thinks that's fine too.

I suspect you'd find it useful to read up on toxic families and narcissistic relationships. There should be lots of good therapists available to you.

Tistheseason17 · 05/07/2018 22:37

YANBU
I suspect That if she had offered even a small amount she's still be living there.

It's the principle that she thinks she is entitled to live there for free. Proper CF territory.

It'll all calm down in time

Motoko · 06/07/2018 02:12

I could understand your guilt if she was surviving on benefits, but she's earning 60K FFS! She's not even on the average salary. I think having lots of money, you don't understand exactly how much of a piss she's taking. Two years rent and bills free in central London, plus 5* holidays paid for her too, and she feels entitled to it.

You've absolutely done the right thing, and if she cuts you off now, it shows that you never had a decent relationship with her. You were only valuable to her for the money you had, not because she loves you for who you are. You don't need people like that in your life, family or not.

I agree with pps, that you should get counselling to work through why you allow yourself to be treated this way. Also read the book Toxic Families.

Metoodear · 06/07/2018 07:01

She didn’t offer or you didn’t ask

Andromache77 · 06/07/2018 09:08

After my BIL lost his job my sister asked me to help them pay off his car loan to the tune of over 5000 pounds. For the record, I loathe my BIL quite openly, though I'm always polite to him, and the feeling is mutual and this was 100% his car, not hers. Besides, he couldn't be told that the money came from me to spare his feelings (mine weren't considered).

I suggested that they sell the car and buy a cheaper one but of course that didn't suit them so I ended up agreeing to sending a monthly contribution, only because otherwise my parents, who were already sending her the same amount to cover bills, would be guilted into doubling theirs. His side couldn't possibly be asked, apparently. I said that I would pretend that this money was for my niece and nephew, which it obviously wasn't, and set up a monthly transfer so I wouldn't have to think too much about it.

After over two years of this and when I knew that the car would soon be paid off I had the pleasure of being informed about what she would be doing with this money once the debt was settled. No thanks, no next month is the last installment, no asking whether I wouldn't mind, just being told that she would get a cleaner and I don't remember what else. With my money, which was obviously not mine anymore, and this in spite of having promised to reimburse me and my parents (I never believed her and said so to my parents, who thought I was mad).

But it gets better. I told my mother, who thought that I must have misunderstood - no, mum, it was crystal clear - and spoke to her. Apparently she was told that I would now need the money for my baby (I guess that now I need an "excuse" to keep my own hard earned money and I mean hard-earned quite literally, I'm self-employed). The next I heard was the very long, very shouty angry rant I got from her at about 7-8 months pregnant when she called me all names under the sun and then some, all of this in front of our parents, for daring to mention this money in passing. Not asking for it back, not calling her a user or even calling her out on her attitude, just mentioning it.

Our relationship wasn't the best by then. Now I only talk to her when my mother is present because she can't accept that we don't get on and blames herself, therefore I pretend, her not so much. For the record, she's my older sister and I was barely earning when I started sending her money as I had been laid off and was starting to work as a freelancer. The first months' contributions came out of my savings. None of that means anything to her.

You don't really have a relationship to salvage. Even if you did before this situation, it's now well and truly dead because your sister resents you for your generosity and also for withdrawing it. Just accept it, ignore her and move on.

Maelstrop · 06/07/2018 09:15

Hold up, why are you paying for their holidays?! She earns £60 grand!! If I earned that, I'd be sitting pretty in a big house in the country! Stop feeling guilty, OP and let this woman pay for herself for a bloody change. She is a CF of the highest order, bopping off to buy designer gear while you lot sweat over how much you're paying for her to live! It's all very well spening cash on your niece, not that she needs it, given mum's salary, but stop paying for her to go out and spoil herself selfishly whilst ignoring your handouts!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/07/2018 09:34

Seriously OP - stop bailing your sister out. You've evicted her now stop paying for her holidays. I have siblings and I don't have the first foggiest who earns what. We all pay our own way in this world and I would never ever expect any of them to pay for a holiday for me. I would never ever expect any of them to pay for me to live rent free either and I'm working, just like your sister is.

Tell her that this holiday will be the last one that you'll be paying for. If she wants a holiday, she has to save up for one, like the rest of us do. This is ridiculous to be honest.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 06/07/2018 09:35

Anyone else wondering which tattooist inked MUG on op's forehead?

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