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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Evicting my sister who doesn’t pay rent

236 replies

Vanessatiger · 27/06/2018 08:36

Back story: half sister divorced a few years back, left with her SN child. Lived with my parents, was depressed about her situation, was saving to buy her own place.
We were buying an investment property in the central parts of London. She occupied that flat (2 beds and newly renovated), paid no rent. Got herself a good highly paid job, didn’t offer to pay anything, we pay the council tax and associated costs with having the flat. We pay her water and heating. I’m a bit fed up frankly, and she says she’s saving her whole salary to buy the new place. She also buys a few designer handbags meanwhile.

AIBU to evict her by September? To rent it out to a bills and rent paying tenant?
The idea was that she’d take care of the flat, fix things that get broken etc, but last time I went nothing was fixed. Shower door was creeky, dish washer door was loose etc..

She’d have to go live with my parents until she sorts herself out.

I say we’re half siblings because she didn’t benefit from the economic advantage i got from one parent’s family’s side. So my husband and I are much more well off than her.

Help, it feels like I’m going to upset up

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 05/07/2018 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/07/2018 07:33

OP I would just leave contact with her for a while. It's very clear from what you are doing that you feel guilty so if I know that she knows that and she will be playing on it.

You have absolutely done the right thing. You owe it to yourself and your children. I agree with the PP who suggested that if you want to help then you start putting money aside for your niece to help her when she is older.

What you are feeling is the FOG -fear obligation and guilt. It's no way to live. There are books that people recommend on here about dealing with family members like this, I think one is called Toxic In-laws.

Change that voice in your head. It needs to say " what I want matters. My family matters" It will be hard because you are not used to putting yourself first but you really need to. Good luck

Vanessatiger · 05/07/2018 07:39

Thank you rainbowqueen for your kind words. Yes I think my sister is playing on my guilt.. but I think she also feels helpless, in the sense comparably to me. That she’ll have to go for second best, a zone 3/4 flat if she didn’t move in with my parents, whilst I can afford a central flat in top notch condition.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 05/07/2018 07:42

Well, tough shit for her. You are not responsible for her. It won't kill her to live in the suburbs.
Just let her fade into the background and remember that you matter, and you are entitled to live comfortably and happily. Your sister is not destitute.

rollingonariver · 05/07/2018 07:47

I don't understand why anyone is annoyed at you? Who pays bills for someone else? It's not normal at all and people have to learn to fend for themselves. So odd. You did the right thing op.

Bibesia · 05/07/2018 07:57

There is simply no reason on earth why you should subsidise your sister just because you currently earn more than she does. You don't know that that will be the case for ever.

averythinline · 05/07/2018 08:07

Please be kind to yourself - you have gone above and beyond for her...and it is the right thing to do ...

however I would stop wth teh kids photos etc as that will not land well as it is not recognising that she will be hurt /pissed off and you are just trying to be 'normal'
step back a bit for a while... as for anyone else in the family - they can have a say if they are willing to pay her way!

get the flat cleaned up and rented out/used as soon as possible because it would then demonstrate it wasn't personal .. (and you cant be guilted back)

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/07/2018 08:08

Don't feel guilty! You have done absolutely nothing wrong, in fact you have subsidised her for years while she swans around with designer handbags you effectively paid for. Toughen up and don't take any more nonsense. You have been extremely generous. She's on £60k! Hardly minimum wage is it? Jeez, she's a cheeky fucker.

Juells · 05/07/2018 08:11

Good luck, OP. I'm glad that you managed to stand up for yourself. If she's lived there free for two years, in a flat that's costing you £3,000+ a month, then you've subsidised her hugely.

It's neither her nor your family's business how much you have. You've helped her, it's cost you a lot of money, and she hasn't taken care of your property.

I guess the lesson to take away from this is that you've been blamed rather than thanked, nobody has appreciated the money you sacrificed to help her, and now you're the bad person, despite doing so much for her. There's an old song..."You can't please everybody, so you might as well please yourself".

You're important too. Why accept all the criticism? I'd let them all cool off for a while, but wouldn't do her any more favours in the future. Very short-sighted of her to bully you in this way. It is bullying, and ganging up on you because you're a soft touch. Nobody ever thanks 'the soft touch' because it's considered that that's what they're there for - to facilitate everyone else.

Vanessatiger · 05/07/2018 08:13

Fyi, we’re already saving for our niece.
We always and I say always pay for their (sis and niece)holidays abroad. Lately in south east asia at 5 star hotel and tickets to boot.
And just paid for an upcoming holiday in Southern Europe. We’re really doing a lot do my niece won’t miss out.

But I’m made to feel it isn’t enough.

I’ve also bought niece a clothes and shoes and toys.

Maybe because I do feel bad niece is SN and fatherless and my children are privileged.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/07/2018 08:14

You have given her 72K in mortgage costs, & tax, & utilities,
She hasn't taken care of it to your standards
She is sulking.
Fine

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/07/2018 08:25

The problem is that for some people, the more you give them, the more they think you have to give them.
I can see your kindness in trying to make life easier for your sister and your niece. I doubt your sister sees it that way. Leave her to stew for a while and definitely stop feeding her sense of entitlement.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/07/2018 08:25

You pay for their holidays too? And she's still acting ungrateful? It's wonderful that you feel so much for your niece and are being so supportive. I think I'd be tempted to stop paying for the foreign holidays too for a while until your sister learns not to be so bloody cheeky and ungrateful. You sound lovely, but you shouldn't let your empathy and compassion let you get taken advantage of.

Juells · 05/07/2018 08:28

You're doing too much. I think you should point out to your parents how much it's cost you, and since you're being blamed instead of thanked you're not going to be doing so much in future. They need a bit of a shock. You should arrange to have some therapy yourself, I don't understand why you allow yourself to be victimised like this. It's not healthy. Go low contact for a while, and stop paying for things.

shakingmyhead1 · 05/07/2018 08:48

if any of them have the balls to say anything about this to you.. tell them straight that the flat was costing you $3k per month and she lived completely bill free, and list everything you paid, every single thing and remind them she paid nothing and lastly add how long could/would YOU be able to pay $3k every month to house someone else???? and ill bet if they go and think about it they wouldn't pay one month
BTW do they know she pays nothing to live there? its possible she makes out she pays the bills and taxes etc ( maybe even rent)

OliviaBenson · 05/07/2018 08:49

Why the fuck are you paying for their holidays? Nobody needs 5* trips to Asia. You have mug written all over you.

fuzzyfozzy · 05/07/2018 08:50

If someone cba texting or speaking to me I certainly wouldn't be paying for a holiday for them. Ask dn to come with you if you wanted.

Troels · 05/07/2018 08:57

Boo frickin Hoo for your Ds, she has a life of riley. Free rent, no utility bills and council tax, free luxury holidays and she wants you to feel guilty for it all. She needs to grow up and get a clue.
She should live within her means like everyone else. Rent in whatever zone she can afford and be grateful you have given her so much in life, you gave her a massive hand up and a massive hand out, she isn't owed anything in this life.

DeadGood · 05/07/2018 09:01

YANBU about asking her to leave - she should be paying you.

YABU about the creaky shower door - she probably hasn’t even noticed!

Shitonthebloodything · 05/07/2018 09:04

So glad you did this! Well done for standing up for yourself.

Starlight345 · 05/07/2018 10:25

Ignore the guilt trip. That’s all because you have enabled her so long.

MoveOnTheCards · 05/07/2018 10:39

I’m sure she’ll be back in touch when it’s time for the next 5* holiday. Hmm

You’re doing the right thing on the flat, if anyone else comments suggest they pay her living costs for a couple of years. Flowers

Hissy · 05/07/2018 10:46

There are people who only take and suck the life out of others. People who have no positive impact on anyone they know or come across. These people are petty, small-minded, and have an enormous sense that the entire world owes them a living.

Not just owes them a living - DAMNED WELL owes them a living.

They resent EVERYONE who has anything THEY value. which is almost exclusively MONEY/STATUS. THEY THEMSELVES can't make it for themselves so YOU have to supply it.

It's not you being generous, it's you merely fulfilling their requirements of you, providing the service that is feeding THEIR self image.

When you realise that they are not at all grateful, that they don't see what you are doing as helping them, merely your duty to make them look like they think they ought to appear and start to take back some of the control they have wrestled from you, they won't think "Ah yes, I can see OP point of view, it has been help that I have been grateful for"

No

They think that you have let THEM down, that YOU are making THEM fall in their aspirations.

That is why she is not replying to your texts about your DC. Because her thinly disguised jealousy and resentment of you and your life was offset by her ability to extract what she needed to keep her in the life to which she sees that she deserves to be.

You have done the right thing, you won't be popular with her, but that is always going to be the case, she is taking the piss because she wants to and because she can. You have done more than enough, but whatever you do it will never be enough

her ego has a kind of emotional eating disorder, whatever you feed it, it will never be satisfied. this is not your issue, it's hers.

Focus on your family, your H and your DC. People are either in your life to share it and improve it as a result or they are best kept at a distance.

Juells · 05/07/2018 10:51

@Hissy always gives excellent advice Flowers

goingonabearhunt1 · 05/07/2018 11:15

This is crazy; this person is on a good salary.

Everyone has to live where they can afford, don't see why your DSis is any different! I know lots of ppl who live in London on way less than that!

If you and your DPs keep subsidising her she'll never learn how to be an adult and then what happens if/when you can't support her anymore? She needs to sort herself out now.

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