to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

DD only has phone for games, music, videos, internet. Haven't trusted her with sim card yet. So contacting DM on there isn't an issue

But if she can.play games, internet, she can use messenger services like Facebook, DMS on Instagram, Twitter?

It's very easy to message people on all sorts of platforms and apps. Don't need a SIM card. Tbh I wouldn't put it past your mum to have one she could give to your daughter, in secret, for communicating. Or for her to give your DD a second cheap phone with a SIM in and tell her not to tell you. I'm sorry, but I really don't think I'm exaggerating :(

If you've got the internet you can contact people. If my SIM doesn't work, I can still talk to my family on 3 other platforms, and one of them is encrypted & can be made secret.

The woman is dangerous. I dont know what to say except you can do it.

Op did I understand correctly that your mum has a rental place?
If so she has somewhere to go so I'd not think twice and change the locks as soon as she leaves and call the police if she kicks off when she returns.

Locksmith on way. Bulk of DMs stuff packed and on drive (sheltered from rain, I'm not a bitch). Doors all locked. Keys on me in security belt

DM has no clue re internet or messaging. She gets me to do that for her. It's a kind of feigned helplessness

Honestly feel a bit tearful about how proud I am of you.

Is your DD home with you? Have you explained what is happening? I would tell her so that she knows what to expect before your DM gets home.

Yes DD is here. She has tidied all her books away that she threw on the floor last week, put up a Disney poster and has asked if she can go online. She has reminded me that DMs house is not ready yet (DM devided to have new kitchen and bathroom put in). I said not my problem

Well done op xx

DM can use some of her income from rental properties to get a hotel if her house isn't ready. Not your problem! You've done absolutely the right thing and you've put your DD first which is the priority.

OP, if your mother comes and asks your help, smile and say "you're a competent woman, you can sort that out yourself". She's trying the opposite tack of her previous one. Before now she encouraged you to be highly dependent on her; now she's trying to make herself seem helples ... and ofc it's your fault.

You've taken huge strides in staying neutral, the odd blip of losing it doesn't count. Time to disengage further. Given the circumstances and the manipulativeness, you can't afford to help her in stuff she can very well do for herself.

You -are- doing amazingly btw. Really amazing.

Well done Op! Your doing great!!!

My heart goes out to you, you can do this.

Haven't really posted on here much, but have lurked throughout. You're doing great.

It doesn’t matter that she contributed to the deposit, your name is on the deeds, so there is nothing she can do. I’m sure she got friends to stay with

Pack up her stuff and change the locks.

Inform the school, SS and the police.

Block her number.

Do not tell her your new address

I haven't read your previous thread but have just read this and am in awe of you.

I have a current thread about difficulties with my DM which is affecting me quite badly but your strength and resilience through this is inspiring!

Try to stay strong. You and DD will get back on track when the poison is removed from your relationship

Best of luck with handling your mother when she comes home OP. You are doing the right thing. Imagine a calm and solid rock you can stand on and her fury/tears as waves trying to push you off the rock, but your feet are firmly planted.

RapunzelsRealMom toxic mother solidarity to you
Don't think I've seen your thread. How do you find other MNers threads easily?

Wow well done OP

DD asked for phone back. I gave back in understanding that there is no more hitting/kicking and she goes to bed at reasonable time for her own sake (too exhausted to go to school today). She gave me a hug and said sorry (this is very unusual! I don't expect apologies from her)

Oh well done @YesSheCan! Well done!

Just "grey rock" your mum, from now on.
Prepare a couple of short neutral statements for when she returns, to say from inside the house/by text/ email
"you cannot live in my house anymore" or some such.
Keep on saying it. Don't get dragged into any discussion. If she kicks off, one warning
" I am calling the police unless you leave, now" or some such. Then do it.

Have you contacted the police yet to report her? Might be an idea to tell them just what she has been like to you both, in advance of her getting home and finding the locks changed?

Huge respect for bringing so very brave, I know it's very hard to get out of the FOG a toxic parent can generate xxx

What you're going through is horrific, I'm so sorry. Your mum is totally toxic and you and your DD need to get far away from her. Her toxic influence is clearly damaging your relationship with your DD.

You also need to get help for your DD via a referral to CAMHS. I'm having similar issues with my DD1 (9), who is adopted. She lashes out at me and DD2 (6) as well (they're birth sisters). She's kicked and hit me, stamped on my feet, and she's been targeting DD2 more now. She also trashes the house. And like your DD, she's too strong to physically restrain now or make her do something she doesn't want to do.

for you, you really have my empathy.

Holy fuck she’s a bitch

Please, please stay strong. When she gets back she is going to go absolutely ape. Can you and dd watch a film or something in your room and ignore the door?