That’s not a set back. But please be careful with the escalating punishments, it will seem arbitrary and unfair for you to say ‘right that’s another week then’ or for you to go up adding day after day after day to each behaviour in a single incident.
I know she’s not a little child anymore (in years anyway), but punishing children in this way in a big no no because they lose it and you keep adding days onto a punishment which means the punishment gets too big for them to see a way out of, abd them there is no reason for them to behave well as they give up completely. To be honest, in the power battles happening here, this seems to be happening and this doesn’t help you or her. You end up feeling like you have to stick to difficult to enforce punishments, and then bending the rules of them because they are too long and you can’t keep the punishment up as it’s ending up punishing you as well (!)... and she is feeling out of control and like it doesn’t matter whether she behaves well or badly because the punishments aren’t in proportion with her ability to learn from them / make things better.
I’d stick to the original behaviour and ignore the reaction to the punishment, instead of escalating it into a power battle that gets out of everyone’s control. I’d deal with the violence separately, showing that it is something completely out of the ordinary and unacceptable - that’s the extreme violence vs pushing and clinging, as I think you have to pick your battles a bit here.
But overall... please keep in mind that this child is doing exactly what she has been taught to do. It’s not her fault, don’t blame her and don’t feel it’s her innate character... up until a few weeks ago she has been nurtured and bonded strongly with a manipulative and sick abuser. This is the result. This poor child has been programmed to play out these roles, get attention this way... and really, really, sadly, get love through this type of interaction.
In her world, it’s actually YOU who isn’t ‘playing the game’ here (!). She’s giving you the lines and triggers just as she’s been wired to do for years... and suddenly she’s faced with an adult who isn’t responded as they ‘should’ respond. And that must be deeply upsetting and unnerving for her.
You’ve taken her away from the source of comfort and security of the one person in her life guaranteed to give her all the ‘right’ moves and feed her all the ‘right’ (read ‘right’ as ‘warped’ and ‘sick’) responses to show her everything is secure and ‘right’ in her little world, and that she is loved.
So your dd must be feeling adrift at the moment, and powerless in a really fundamental way. And then to make the situation even harder, I bet she knows how to push your buttons and get right under your defences, because she has been exposed to a master manipulator and expert abuser of you. And children are wonderfully smart at copying and replicating what their role models do. So, your dd has been being taught everyday how to hurt you. And when someone is scared and powerless, they hit out...
This is the real damage your mother has done. Her sick legacy. And you are brilliant for stopping all of this in its tracks and saying NO! But, bloody hell it will be hard to undo the damage of these years, the damage to you and to your dd, and to your bond. And that’s what you’re dealing with now, as I’m sure you are well aware of!
So, I’d try and see your dd’s behaviour through that lens...rather than that she’s a naturally horrible person or anything like that! Right now you are having to:
A. Deprogram her (and yourself)
B. Reprogram her (& of course, you too!)
And all the while and most importantly building a bond with your daughter for the very first time away from the toxicity of your mother...
So:
C. Bonding (which is probably the most important thing, as you can’t do any changes without it).
Your dd needs to have a central attachment figure in her life, and she needs to know that’s you, not her grandma... and that your love is there however much she’s testing you, and you’ll care for her no matter how horrible she is, and that you’ll never give her to someone else even if she’s spotty and smelly.
It’s hard to show love when you are trying to tackle bad behaviour, and when someone is pushing you away. But please don’t be pushed away!!!
You’ve said earlier you find it difficult to switch out of giving directions and escalating into telling off and confrontations, and you need to try and switch styles of parenting a bit? I wonder if you also find it hard to switch modes from trying to ‘stamp out’ and fight with her for control (sometimes literally physically fighting!)... and snap out of all this negative interaction to be loving and kind and positive in daily life. Especially when she’s making it such a battle. I don’t mean those moments of ‘making up’ / or being remorseful after all this confrontational angst, and I don’t mean finding positive behaviour to praise (which you’ve also said is difficult to find!). I mean something separate from that, just giving your daughter positive strokes just because you love her!
Just for a few mins every day, forget all the bad stuff, and show her how much you love her.
Maybe look up ‘love languages’ to see the different ways of showing love to find a way that she can ‘hear’ at the moment, and remember, she probably won’t reciprocate at the moment, and that’s ok, it’s not the point of the exercise, she’s been in an abusive environment for years, and she doesn’t know what positive attention and non toxic love looks like and feels like.
You need to teach her, and in the process help her realise that she has a mother who loves and cherished and generally is her champion and will always be in her corner, no matter what. Kids don’t learn that by being told that once, they need constant repetition... and, you might feel a bit better too if you do this as part of daily life, as it’s hard to remember or even feel the good stuff when the bad stuff is right up in your face all the time... and after all, it’s the good stuff that is why we do any of this...because we love our children so so much, and that’s a really good thing!
