to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

The one I was thinking about is called 'it's a fair cop'. Yes, policing dilemmas. I think it's very challenging to consider. Really stretches your empathy, moral awareness.

Hard though it is, it sounds as though the two of you are setting up a bit of a routine which is good.

If the penalties are starting to pile up, try and avoid giving her opportunities to add to them! She'll feel like she can't win, she has nothing left to lose. Instead, offer her the opportunity to earn it back! She may surprise you.

Yes I like that show too. I'm not going to suggest we listen to a podcast right niw though because she is currently being oppositional to almost everything I say. She refused to come for dinner when called, having been told when it would be ready. Eventually ate it cold after I didn't bother to keep telling her to eat. Refusing to have a wash. Hasn't washed for about 5 days, I've lost count. I had my bath earlier so there'd be enough time for her to have one before her bedtime but she is digging heels in. I've given up telling her to have one. Still saying she won't go to school tomorrow. You are right, the more I say 'you have to do xyz' the more defiant she gets. And I've tried the 'what can we do to help with this?' approach and the 'oh it's a shame you're not going to xyz because that means you lose privileges'. I feel like I'm being an irresponsible parent and a failure if she isn't going to bed until gone 11 on school nights, wating her dinner or washing. Guess I just have to keep being consistent.

I realise there is a long history with the way her gm has indulged, however if she has behaved like this towards you for some time have SENs been ruled out? Her reaction to moving and change seems so extreme.

Yes, you have to wait for her to decide what she wants. She won't want to be grubby for long.

Let absolutely everything that isn't essential go.

I had to go through a phase when I told DC that I was no longer going to nag them. I told them once, then left them to it. If homework isn't in, let school deal with it. If she doesn't wash, let her friend's tell her. If she eats her dinner cold, or reheats it, that's her look out. It's amazing how quickly they choose to do the sensible thing once they get no mileage out of arguing about it.

And if you are too tired to kisten to s9mething with her in the evening, then she misses out.

Making their own choices is really important.

We've got GP appt coming up to discuss referral regarding this, yes.

Glad you have a GP appt, it does sound of concern tbh.

I would still suggest it, showing her live and being generous with your time even when enforcing rules.

No big deal if she declines just keep offering.

Pickle I seriously believe that she would go weeks without washing if not reminded. She really doesn't seem to care. She already has a spotty face simply because she never washes it and has had recurrent nits because she doesn't wash or brush her hair. It's difficult for me not to say anything because I find it very concerning. The other stuff I can let go as I know she'll eat eventually.

The lack of self care may be indicative of low self worth, stubbornness, laziness or just demand avoidance.

Best technique is cheap conditioner on DRY hair and use the proper branded "nitty gritty" comb whilst watching TV/DVD.

I'm sorry but that sounds SO like the behaviour DD exhibited at a similar age.

Chicken it sounds similar to my niece tbh!

Just lost my temper and yelled after DD plonked herself across my bed, still in school uniform. At first went to put arm round her because thought she'd come in for a cuddle but she didn't seem bothered. Then she asked for her phone back. I said no, not until Monday. We've discussed this already. I'm not discussing it again. She says I added the extra days for no reason. I say she knows there was a reason and to stop asking. She says fine, I'm not going to school then. I say, yes, you've already told me that. Now please go to bed. She refuses to get off my bed and lies there deliberately sniffing loudly. Keeps pestering for phone back. I say no. She says fine, I'm staying here then. I say I have work at 8.30, I am very tired, I struggle in the mornings and need restful time on my own at bedtime. She doesn't care. I lose my temper and shout at her to get out and go to bed. Only when I get out of bed and look as though I'm going to physically drag her off my bed and to her room does she reluctantly leave, still saying that she isn't going to school. I am so angry. When she behaves like this I wonder if there is any disorder going on or if she is just a thoroughly unpleasant piece of work.

Chicken do you mean your DD who has ASD? And Random is your DN NT or does she have ASD?

She's not unpleasant, although it's unpleasant for you!

She's very needy, she doesn't know how to do healthy relationships. In a way she was safe with your mum because she knew how it worked. She has to work it out with you.

Hang on to the times she has said she understands, and ignore the rest.

Did you know the teen brain reorganises, leading to a toddler like brain storm?

I do. We've only got one DD. She can behave exactly like that! But yes NT teens can be horrible, as well.

Yeah my DN has ASD with PDA tendencies but she also had a childhood with one emotionally abusive parent (similar to your mum in many ways) and zero boundaries so who knows how much of the PDA is down to that rather than ASD, or rather has exaggerated it. If she pestered enough etc was given what she wanted and the behaviour just escalated when they finally did try to provide boundaries. They were very dismissive that there was anything wrong or trying to parent differently until teens. Think they found parenting inconvenient

Anyhow your DD is indeed very needy, every rule she ever knew has just flown out the window she's still trying her old ways that worked when gran was around she just doesn't know what else to do!

It's bloody hard dealing with this kind of parenting on your own. You are human and it won't traumatise her when she witnesses that you have your limits and will shout etc

The sitting on your bed could be her wanting you - but not being articulate enough to express it clearly.

One of my DC reminded me today about "spotting good behaviour", so I'm going to try this again. One way is to set yourself a target of spotting say 10 pieces of good behaviour a day and acknowledging it. So that your interactions aren't always negative. And part of it is that you have to meet your target, so you may find yourself noticing very tiny bits of good behaviour (taking a cup to the kitchen rather than leaving it in the living room).
But her saying she wasn't going to school could have been trying to get you to react. If you can find ways of good reactions instead of bad, the habits might shift.

Is it worth offering the phone back for a short period at the weekend in return for better behaviour /school attendance? Link her desired behaviour with a reward she values? Although, if she does have ASD, the cause/effect link may not work. It doesn't work very well for DD, she just gets furious that we took her stuff away.

I think the good news here is that your Dd is 12 so you still have time to correct her behaviours. You have used the “stick” in regards to setting boundaries with the phone- do you think you could use the “carrot” to reward good behaviour. E.g. if she goes to school today and tomorrow and goes to orchestra she will let her have her phone on Sunday?
Then next week say she can have her phone for an hour a day (or whatever you want her limit to be) if she goes to school.
She will begin to see the phone and the school together so hopefully this will change her behaviour.

Once that’s establish you can use reward for other things - making her breakfast for a wee = trip to see friend, cinema etc etc.
Obviously any sort of violence or extreme behaviour and the phone goes away again.

When you look at all her behaviour at once it’s overwhelming but break it down into the individual chunks and select which battle to fight. This is a long game, and combined with counselling for her to enable her to express herself I am sure you can change this all around.

Try and schedule in some bonding time every day, if you can, Regardless of what else is going on, Give each other a manicure or hand massage, a facial maybe. It's very soothing to give and receive and will relax you both.

Little rituals that don't overwhelm, build connection between you. Lighting a candle at dinner time, for example. A goodnight phrase (mind the bugs don't bite, if they do bite them back etc...) see you later alligator, in a while crocodile. Love you, love you more, etc.

I read all of this thread last night, obviously I do not know your first thread so cannot say I fully know the story.

But wow! What a rollercoaster! Your DD sounds like she's just hitting the teenage years hard. Lots changing and your DM enabled this behaviour no doubt with her influence.

Things will settle.

Defo buy an alarm clock ASAP

Would it be wrong to turn all of the electricity fuse switches off, secretly of course and hope she doesn't work what you've done and how to turn them back on? Would make school the more preferable option...

Some really good ideas. Yes, I will try giving the phone back for short periods to reward good behaviour. Bonding time also necessary. She would hate the idea of a facial or manicure and probably wouldn't let me near her to do it. Not sure what she'd think of giving me one. Shoulder massage might work. I have essential oils! I do already say thank you on rare occasions that plate or mug is brought into kitchen! Hopefully the positive reinforcement will take effect soon. So my plan is to stop nagging and reward each positive thing however small with 30 mins of phonetime. Have also asked to speak with her head of year and explain she's having emotional difficulties (they are already aware of previous home situation from when I applied for place). DD didn't get up and go in this morning. I woke her up as usual and said what time we needed to leave. She went back to sleep then told me off for not giving her a chance to get ready for school when I went to say goodbye before leaving for work. She asked me to tell school she has a cold and said, 'I was going to go to school, I wasn't being serious!'
Excuse me for a moment....AAAAAAAAAAAGH!
That's better.

Please don't make any excuses for her to school. She needs to understand that actions have consequences, both good and bad.

I don’t really have anything to add, you are doing so well navigating an exhausting and difficult situation! But could you check with school re needing to take pictures of whiteboard etc? Schools of all places should understand the distraction mobile technology poses and be keen to NOT have them in the classroom.