to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Hi. Knackered. Had a car crash last week on way to collect DD from her best friend's where we used to live. Van did u-turn in road in front of me and I couldn't stop in time. Car written off. Had to borrow money from DF to buy a new (second hand) one. Had flu jab 2 wks ago and have felt rough ever since. DD still not going to bed until half 10, 11, still making me late for work in mornings. Refusing to do her homework. Just swung her school bag hard against the door of the new car to shut it, leaving a scratch on the door, then denied having done anything wrong when I told her off for scratching it and told me it didn't matter. Am fuming. Fed up with being constantly angry and knackered and DD having so little respect.

You poor thing :( Hope you are ok after the crash?
Are there some meaningful consequences for her behaviour? She is late for school, gets sanctioned etc? Loses money to pay for the scratch on the car?

Buy some T cut and tell her to crack on.

What can I sanction? She doesn't go out and see friends so I can't stop her doing that. I manually change the wifi password every evening now to get her off her laptop/phone. That is the only thing she cares about that I can take away. She just elbowed me in the stomach while I was helping her wash her hair. The phone has been taken away. I am in despair at her lack of competence. She at least recognised and announced that her hair really needed washing tonight which I suppose is some progress. She is still incapable of washing her hair unsupervised. I have shown her countless times how to completely wet her hair, lather the shampoo, rinse it out, towel dry it. If I refuse to help and tell her to do it herself, she just doesn't do it at all and then we have to deal with headlice again. I try to help as little as possible as I do not want to enable her incompetence. So I wet it for her then put the shampoo on and tell her to lather it herself. She just hangs her arms limp in the water and goes, 'I don't know how'. I got so angry I walked out and told her to get on with it and call me when she needed help rinsing it out. She did nothing while I was out of the bathroom and I really needed to go to bed, so I went back in saying it was getting late and let's just get it finished. She kicked up an almighty fuss about getting shampoo in her eye and elbowed me in the stomach when I tried to finish washing her hair. I offered to help her with it earlier in the evening while our dinner was in the oven and she refused saying I could do it later. I tried to explain I wouldn't feel like doing it later and then was a better time but she didn't budge. I've been sick today. Have felt a bit fluey for past few days, nothing too bad, but this morning after setting off to take DD to school then go on to work, I started to feel really off balance, nauseated and just really unwell. I had to pull over and vomited while I was calling work to say I couldn't make it in. Eventually managed to get DD to school just about on time but had to park up and lie down in my car for half an hour before I could manage to drive home. I get these flu like symptoms sometimes and don't have a definite cause but it's been put down to CFS. It's a PITA. I don't expect DD to show massive amounts of concern but today she hasn't once asked how I'm feeling despite seeing me have to stop driving to lean out of the car and puke. The worst thing is she actually makes things more difficult for me, knowing I'm not well, with her unnecessarily shit behaviour. I'm ashamed to say I told her she was a horrible little shit this evening.

I would have run away screaming a long, long time ago. You're a far better person than me.

Ha, I don't have the energy to run away screaming. I can just about manage screaming (not proud of this, have apologised to DD for losing my temper; hopefully this will at least set her an example of owning one's angry reactions)

Gosh that sounds hard :( I hope you feel better soon.

I must say, her behaviour sounds like ASD/PDA and so like my DD. The outright refusal to do even simple stuff, the really odd excuses /reasons not to, the aggressiveness, the demand avoidance. All this needs to be communicated when you have the CAMHS appt.
As does all the clumsy stuff, as that really sounds like Dyspraxia/DCD (which DD also has)
It's so hard, I know! You just have to keep going, and stick to the boundaries you've decided. The thing with the wI fi code change each night sounds good, with the phone/tech removal as a back up consequence.
Would using extra access to wi fi as an incentive to to get the hair washing done, work?
Take it away as soon as she gets home and only return it once hair washing (or homework or whatever other task you need doing) was done? I've done that in the past.

Or, shorter hair, that she could manage more easily by herself?

I'd be using access to wi fi as a reward. Not to be given until she does the stuff she's meant to. And limited time only. So she comes home from school, it's off. She then does the jobs, hair wash, room tidy etc etc then she gets an hour access to do homework if required, then she eats a meal, If she's polite and has done the jobs, hair, homework etc then she can have an hour (or whatever ) for social stuff. If not, she doesn't.
And then, regardless of what might have gone on earlier, wifi goes off. At 8 pm or 9 pm. And that's it. If she then kicks off or refuses to go to bed, remove tech devices as well as a consequence after one warning only. But you do have to actually do it. Every. Single. Time.
It's so hard, its exhausing. I'm so tired of it all. I do know how you might feel, as I have diagnosed long term physical and mh conditions including CFS and it's so very hard. But if you don't sort it now, it will only get even worse as she gets older and bigger and stronger.
Huge hugs xxx

I am at a loss to know where to go from here. School refusal was escalating and DD was so fed up with the new school and repeating loads of stuff she'd done in year 7 at her old school. She begged me to let her do home ed again. I gave it a lot of thought and looked at a letter that her old form teacher wrote as a statement of support for the extra bursary at the private school I've been trying to get DD into. It said how kind and thoughtful she was as well as what an able student etc and her CAT scores, which I hadn't seen before, were 141, 136... Anyway, final decision on bursary from the private school is 50% and no answer from the trusts for extra bursary so I can't afford that. DD says she won't go there anyway so little point in me busting a gut to push for full bursary. We had a what I thought was productive chat about everything and I agreed to home ed and have deregistered her from school. This was last week. She seemed so happy and agreed to draw up an agreement including time on wifi and going to orchestra and drama groups and doing a sport so she meets other kids and gets some exercise. She got her violin out for the first time since July and played the film music book I just bought her at her request. I've been through the ks3 syllabus and identified the areas we need to cover before moving on to GCSE stuff. I've ordered textbooks and asked her what she truly enjoys and is most interested in. It all started fairly positively. I'm trusting her with wifi during day for learning purposes then she gets 2 hours in evening for gaming etc, one hour either side of dinner and she is meant to help me with dinner, either help prepare the meal or help with the clearing up. Wifi gets switched over to my private password at 9. Lights out at 10. The deal is if she breaks the agreement we drew up, on a 3 strikes and that's it policy, I will enrol her at the nearest comp with places. First couple of days seemed ok. She doesn't help with washing up but at least she is sticking to the computer/phone rules which let's face it is a big deal. Last night, she tried to push for 'just one more minute' on her game then drags it out to two more and I have to put my foot down. Today, has a go at me for switching off the wifi at 21:05 (missed the 21:00 deadline as I was busy planning her lessons for tomorrow) because she still had 25 mins to go with something very important on her game and now the other players had been let down (sulkily stopped playing and packed up after I said tough luck, that's the rule). Then had a moan at me for having to leave her old school, how home ed is the "second best option" because the best option would have been staying there. We again have a frank talk about the reasons why I moved us away. She told me I made a stupid decision and should have let her stay at her old school and moved somewhere 'far enough away from Nana but still near enough to go to my old school' or stay in the town where we used to live and just do our shopping somewhere else so we don't bump into Nana, or if she bothers us just tell her to go away or ignore her. She tells me she hates it here, the only school she will go to is her old school and it is entirely my fault she hates her life as there is nothing in her day that she enjoys or looks forward to. If I say that going to various groups will be an opportunity to do things she enjoys and make friends, she just stubbornly says she is not going to because her life will be "blank and miserable', again reminding me that is my fault. She is telling me I should move us back to a town which is about 45mins to an hour's drive from her old school, so she can go back there again, regardless of this involving me ferrying her there and back every day and so cutting off my options to work. But that's ok because she would be happy living in that town but hates it here and does not see why she should make the slightest effort to adjust. Yet she agrees that my mother's behaviour was 'really weird' and since we've moved she's realised just how not normal it is. So now I'm feeling like she's really manipulated me by begging to be home educated again, acting happy with this, only to then ramp up her campaign to be as determined as possible not to engage in anything at all here so that I get so worried about her that I eventually agree to move back so she can go back to her old school, which is the only place she can possibly be happy. I've been totally played. I was just trying to do the best for her and her education and now she's broken our agreement already and I'm going to have to follow through on sending her to the shit comp down the road, which she will refuse to get out bed to go to, in which case I've told her she'll waste her education years amd her potential by insisting on being a pain in the arse and just making things rubbish for herself. This is met by 'well that's your fault'. Fucks sake, where on earth do I go from here? I'm exhausted.

You need to stay strong

Your daughter has been spoilt by your mother - and you know this

Enrol her in the school - she has to stick to this school for at least a year. No complaining.

Buy a Koala box for the wifi so no arguments - you set the time limits and 'homework mode'

Stop giving in to her -

You ignore the blame game.

We live here now and it's your responsibility and choice how to make the most of your life and finding enjoyment, it's called growing up.

Rinse and repeat.

Will you still be able to access the same level of assessment and support if you elect to home ed? Tbh the argument may be stronger if she is a refuser and may benefit from a structured school day and boundaries imposed by others. it would also give you a break as the ongoing tension cannot be good for your mh.

I can't really add anything, but sending you a hug. It sounds horrendous and I know I wouldn't cope in the same circumstances x

Had a call back from CAMHS (referred by GP few weeks back) who gave me a list of contacts to access early help. Have had long chat with early help service, telephone appointment arranged for next week. If early help measures aren't successful next step is referral for ASD assessment. So we are getting support.
DD being like stuck record 'If I can't go to [old school] I'm not doing anything'. Attending orchestra and other activities is a condition of me continuing to home ed her. Because CAMHS are now involved I thought I'd see what their suggestions are in terms of getting DD to cooperate with attending new groups in the area, and also talk with the home ed team about sending someone round to have a chat with her, before I make any major decisions on what to do next.

That seems like a plan OP. Honestly you are pulling all the stops out for her and she is being a nightmare isn't she? I don't see what more, or what else, you can do?

I'm really sorry to read your update. I think she's played you and you should not have gone down the home ed route. Is it to late to put her back in the school she was in? Rather than the comp down the road?
Tbh she sounds a nightmare and you need to stay strong.

I just can't physically manage continuing to live like this. I know I only work part-time but the nature of the work is intense and takes a lot of my energy. When I get home, I have to do the grocery shopping, clear up the kitchen so that I have space and clean stuff to prepare a meal, clear up after dinner, see to the laundry...on top of this I have to keep checking on DD's device/wifi use, deal with her attitude, ask her (unsuccessfully) to come out to do the shopping with me and help me pack/unpack it, ask her (again unsuccessfully) to help clear up the kitchen or at least clear up her own mess. On top of this is dealing with DD's repetitive 'I'm not doing xyz unless I can go back to [old school]' and making sure she gets to bed every evening so that I can eventually go to bed myself. It's now winter and I'm exposed to all the winter bugs at work. I'm not physically robust and once I catch one winter virus, I get a chest infection and go down with everything else going around and basically don't get well again until March. Dealing with constant stress on top of this result in me not being well enough to work (I have tried just 'pushing on through' in the past and this just results in me getting even more unwell so I know the mind over matter approach does not do me any favours). I cannot financially afford to lose work. Something has to give, even if it means DD getting her way...I am at the point of looking at another property which is near enough to DD's old school that she can go back. I know you will all say I have let her win, but we will both lose if I get so ill that I cannot work.

It does read as though all my interactions with DD are 'do this, do that, get off your phone' etc etc. That's not the case. I express interest in her interests. I encourage her to talk about her feelings. I have a laugh with her about silly things. I acknowledge that the situation with her grandmother, the move, leaving her school and her friends was very hard for her. I don't know what else I can do.

When you say "old school" do you mean moving back to near your m ? Was she really happy at that school or is that just a ruse and rose tinted memory? Tbh you really need to see through the camhs assessment before making any decisions. If the school place she just left is available reenrol her. Being together 24/7 is too oppressive for both of you. Can you afford any help? Get dd to earn time on internet etc by doing chores.

The other property is far enough away from my mother - she wouldn't realise if we moved back and even if she did find out from someone else, she wouldn't get to find out our address and it's too far from where she is for her to just turn up. It's a bit of a drive to DD's old school but I can get work near the old school so this is doable. The property is a rare opportunity within my limited budget - nothing in this area was available when we first moved which is why I didn't do this to start with.

Yeah, DP says get her to earn time online by doing chores too. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with implementing this at present - had to tell off DD the other day and because of my chest at the moment I was too breathless to speak to her in full sentences by the time I'd got up the stairs. Instead of having any concern for me and realising she needs to behave and make things a bit easier for me, DD has seen this as an opportunity to wear me down. I cannot afford 'extra help'.

Her feelings about old school are not rose tinted. It took her a long time to settle in and then she had to leave. I really think she has great difficulty dealing with change, maybe moreso than other kids. We were watching Young Sheldon the other day and there was a scene where he was refusing to go to some thing with a kid he didn't know and he said, 'I don't need new friends. I have Tam' and I looked straight at DD because it was so similar to the comversation we'd had the other night about her making new friends here, down to the way she said it. She laughed and pointed at herself and said, 'yup'

My biggest concern about moving back is that the school dynamics will have changed and your DD won't just skit back in where she left off...

DD has seen best friend from old school regularly and is in a Whatsapp group with their friend group. One time she also saw other old friends from her year and they were so happy to see her. She's only missed half a term there so I'm sure she'll fit right back in.

Agree, they won't just accept her back. You want this to be a solution but I fear there will just be more issues. Teenage girl friendship groups can be very fickle. Also it would naive to think your m would mot discover your whereabouts and interfere. Where does dp fit in ( apologies if I missed this from previous threads)

It's not just the friends. She liked her teachers too and they liked her, and they recognised her ability and gave her extension tasks etc. I've emailed the old school to ask if they have a yr8 place available - if so I'll need to do a mid yr application to the council. I know the school were very sorry to see her go and would be surprised if they said no to her coming back.