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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

646 replies

YesSheCan · 26/06/2018 15:38

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 05/10/2018 11:46

What actual devices has she got?
I can set time limits on IPad, Xbox etc.
We have no devices allowed after 8pm & not allowed before school in morning.
Take them away completely, you will have 2/3 days of tantrums & angry behaviour but don't back down.
I have confiscated for a week but the more they moan or get angry or beg then I add another day.
I totally follow through on it & they don't get them back until time I've said.

Duskqueen · 05/10/2018 12:16

I would buy her an old style phone that has no internet, give her that and sell the rest of her devices, or get something I can lock them in. She has a phone, so can't use that as an excuse. Also makes sure you keep her devices on you at all times so she can't get to them.

YesSheCan · 05/10/2018 12:17

Android smartphone, laptop and Android tablet (tablet most recent, given to her by my mother without consulting me. I am going to send it to my dad's for safe keeping)

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/10/2018 12:24

It might not help, but we use Qustodio for parental controls on my DD's phone and tablet. She's quite a bit younger than your DD but the best thing about it is that it has active and inactive hours on it, you don't have to do anything and it just goes off. Not sure if a determined teen could get around it but there must be other similar things. Was about £40 for the year for 5 devices. It's certainly taken the argument out of getting devices off her as it doesn't matter anymore, they go off at 8:30pm and stay off until 3pm.

It's easy to adjust the settings, maybe she could earn extra time?

It might not be appropriate for your situation, but maybe it might be an alternative to turning off the router so you can't use it either.

picklemepopcorn · 05/10/2018 12:26

It is incredibly hard, OP!

What helped me was to organise some boundaries for me, which would help me not be exhausted when I dealt with the D.C.

In your case, for example, build in a check on her at 10pm (or perhaps a joint hot chocolate in her room together at 9.30pm), so that you are not dealing with it at 11pm.

It's so hard to be proactive when you are exhausted and stressed. Is there someone you can sit with and work out some strategies with? You can even work some of them out with your DD.

kaitlinktm · 05/10/2018 18:36

Someone we know told us how you get bt wifi open network for free

I have probably got this all wrong - is BT your internet provider? Mine is, and I can get onto a BT with FON sort of hotspot if there is a problem with my router, but I have to enter my password. If this is the same, and if she doesn't know the password (if you change it) then she wouldn't be able to get on line.

Of course I have probably got it all completely back to front.

chickenloverwoman · 06/10/2018 14:39

Ok we have similar problems with DD, who is diagnosed ASD. we have a router which has a guest log in and a house log in - with control via an app on our phones. So if DD starts being violent, or whatever, we can simply turn off the guest setting which controls all her devices. She only knows the log in to the guest wi fi, and its different to the one all our devices use.

And, I think I have said this before, but she really does need to see someone at CAMHS for this behavior as imo it is NOT that of a NT child.

And, Im not being unkind here, just reminding you that you have already warned her in the past that you would call the police if she was violent to you, again? But here we are, she's done it again and you didn't call them, did you? And she has actually hurt you?

What is that telling her? That what you say is just talk.

I would call 101 and ask to have a chat with an officer, they might come and talk to her, and tbh it might just help?

I sympathise, I really do, its very hard indeed and you have done so well to get your Mother out and move, but honestly your daughters behaviour needs to be assessed and the violence and bullying she is doing to you HAS to stop.

And I wouldn't be giving her ANY gadgets AT ALL, after last night. She can use a laptop at school and if it causes her problems with school work, well that's the consequence of poor behaviour choices! And Id be telling the school exactly why she has lost access to the electronics at home.

Do not keep this behaviour a secret, I know its hard to tell people but seriously you need to get some help. Flowers

YesSheCan · 06/10/2018 17:26

I was on the verge of calling police the other night and told her so. I said any more violence at all and I will call them. I also said if she makes a noise disturbance again she risks getting us thrown out of our home. Next day I called GP and requested CAMHS referral. Obviously (as I know) they need to see her in person before referring and appointment is not for a couple of weeks but at least it's in the pipeline. I've said to DD what can we do to help you not lash out physically when you feel angry? She says, I'll just not do it. I don't need to talk to anyone. But I explained to her that she has said sorry and that she won't do it again before yet things have not improved. I have asked her if my mother has been in contact with her. She swears not and I believe her. I have explained my reasons for us having to move away without saying anything malicious or hateful about my mum but saying her behaviour was wrong and having a bad effect on both me and DD and I had to take action. DD says, yes, I know. She's been better since not having her devices at all, playing with meccano type stuff and drawing. But I'm still getting her referred and yes, I will speak to police if she so much as lays a finger on me again.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 06/10/2018 17:38

You need to hide the chargers. Much easier than the actual appliances /phone. She can have x amount of charge each day then when it's dead its dead.

chickenloverwoman · 06/10/2018 21:26

Good for you! I'm sorry if I was blunt, but you need blunt. I wish someone had been like this to me years ago.
Best of luck x

cl61reb · 06/10/2018 22:47

Wow - I've had a terrible time, hope u get things sorted soon!!

blueangel1 · 07/10/2018 00:00

So sorry to hear that your DD is still being problematic; it's so sad given everything else you've been through. Please do stick to your threat about calling the police next time there us any violence though. No decent parent should be under that sort of threat from their child.

YesSheCan · 07/10/2018 22:06

I hope it doesn't become necessary to call police but I will if there's any more violence. Going to bed now. DD is still up and has not got into pyjamas or used bathroom despite my at first kind reminders which have descended into nagging. I brought her hot chocolate, I said about feeling well rested when it's time to get up in the morning. I have work at a new place tomorrow. Worrying about what I will do if DD refuses to go to school again tomorrow. Only option if I'm to get to work will be to leave her here all day. Not really happy doing that but I can't cancel work again.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 07/10/2018 22:12

Oh dear. Can she get to school on her own? Don't tell her she must get to school- that will just encourage her to bunk off. Just warn her that you will leave at the usual time, ready or not, so she'll need to get a wiggle on in the morning. Try and stay really calm tomorrow. Leave her at home if you have to. See what happens.

picklemepopcorn · 07/10/2018 22:14

I confused mine occasionally by just not arguing. I'd remind them what the situation was then get on with whatever I needed to do, including going to bed, leaving them to it. Their little deflated faces when I didn't argue, chase them round the house, nag them every five minutes... they were most disappointed. On,y if the situation is safe, mind,

chickenloverwoman · 07/10/2018 23:26

I'd just remind her then go to work. Tell school exactly why and what. Let her have the consequences of her behaviour. And NO devices at all! Even TV remotes removed. You can do this!

YesSheCan · 08/10/2018 10:20

DD up and dressed, had time to eat breakfast, was a star this morning. Hooray! And I made sure I gave positive reinforcement. Felt a bit like I was treating her like a toddler saying, 'well done for getting yourself up and dressed this morning' but I had to say something positive

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/10/2018 10:25

In reality emotionally she is probably stuck emotionally at a much younger age sort of pre school/infants.

Glad you have a stress free morning Smile

RandomMess · 08/10/2018 10:37

I just thought perhaps something you could together once you are both ready for bed is listen to half an hour of audio book together, start with Harry Potter?

picklemepopcorn · 08/10/2018 11:00

Random, that's a great idea! I have a friend who read Winnie the Pooh with her children, through to adulthood.

I'm so pleased! I hope today goes as well for you both!

chickenloverwoman · 08/10/2018 12:56

That is great!

YesSheCan · 08/10/2018 13:06

I'll give it a try. Will have to search out some free audiobooks or find a podcast that she likes

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 08/10/2018 16:24

The police one might be good, if it's appropriate. It's really stimulating, ethically, but really entertaining as well.

YesSheCan · 10/10/2018 18:37

Which police one, pickle? I'm thinking of the R4 show the retired police officer/comedian does about police dilemmas - is this the one you mean?

Things have been up and down. Currently down. Had busy day at work yesterday - the first whole day I've done since August and I'm self employed so urgently need to earn some money. Had to order DD taxi to pick up from school and bring her to my work place where she waited until I'd finished an insanely busy afternoon/evening shift. Then I was so exhausted and she was really hungry so before driving home we went and had food at Pizza Express - rare treat but helped boost me before drive home and she seemed to enjoy it. This morning however, she started on about refusing to go to school again - what's the point etc etc. So I said it would be a shame if shr refused to go because I'd been thinking of arranging for her to see her best friend this weekend but that wouldn't be happening if she didn't go to school. So then she decided to go. This evening is refusing to do homework which is due in tomorrow and which she has had a week to do because she objects to using my computer which is apparently too slow (all her devices are still confiscated until tomorrow). And she refuses to do it on a school computer during the day there. So I added an extra day of confiscation for her moaning about it and refusing to do homework. Then later she pushed a chair over in temper and stomped off (after I'd set up my phone as a wifi hotspot and got some google results to do with her homework up for her). So another day added on. Then I came into living room after sorting dinner to find she'd started a dvd and wasn't doing her homework so I went to turn it off and she kicked out at the remote to stop me picking it up. Another day. I unplugged dvd player and took it away. She tipped over both small coffee tables in the room. Another day added. She then tried to argue with me about the added days saying kicking over furniture is fine because she didn't damage it. She says for all the days I've added, she won't go to school. I had to walk away in the end, after telling her that she doesn't get to decide what is acceptable behaviour, I do, and these are the consequences. Just when I thought things were improving... Have chosen to say no more about school - I have to work at 8.30 tomorrow and cannot camcel again otherwise they won't ask me to do amy more shifts. So if she won't go I'll just have to leave her here. And explain to her head of year why. School's policy of pupils needing their phones to take photos of the homework info on the whiteboard (according to DD) annoys me as it means if phone confiscated, 'but I need it for homework or I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing' can be used as a ploy to get phone back. Anyway, must cook dinner and try to remain calm now.

OP posts:
chickenloverwoman · 10/10/2018 19:58

Well done, stay strong. I'd not engage any more, she knows the consequences and tbh I've found a lot more talk is just confusing. Either she does what she's meant to do (and let's face it, she can do this properly at school!) Or she gets consequences she doesn't like. Even our DD with ASD (PDA traits) and DCD gets this.