to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Feeling worn out after only a morning working in new surgery. Trying to have a rest. Have confiscated router again so DD is playing that f'ing awful Baby Shark song on repeat to annoy me. Am ignoring

Thought had made some progress with her after we had a talk about going to the other school and I said I was making effort to get her in there because she said it was what she wanted, I want her to be happy and fulfilled, it's not for me, it's for her etc etc. She'd agreed to cooperate. At least I'm not working tomorrow so if I have to physically drag her out of bed to get her to school I will have the time to do that.

I've just read your thread and am in awe at your persistence.

It must be so hard trying to set boundaries in such a difficult situation.

We're getting there. DD has had a bit of a cry a couple of times and we've talked a bit about how things were at home before we moved. She doesn't like talking about her feelings. I'm actually glad she had a cry rather than bottling things up. Moving again today, in our new house tomorrow, hooray

Good luck with your new home op.

I hope the move goes well. Can you let her help with the home making, decorating decisions? Age appropriate responsibility and trust is so enabling for children. She'll soon see the difference between her grandmother's inappropriate behaviour and yours.

Thanks. Yes, she's come up with some ideas for her bedroom. But we're moving in tomorrow as tenants (vendors didn't realise they needed grant of probate to sell so have to wait for that to go through before can complete the purchase) so I'm not doing any decorating until the place is properly mine. Which hopefully won't take too long

Excellent. I really hope she settles in well- you've been so brave and determined.

Good luck with your new home!

Thanks. At present I'm at the end of my tether. I keep thinking DD's behaviour is improving then we have another terrible episode. A few days ago she refused to get up in time for school. I had a meeting at 9am at the private school she says she wants to go to. She scored highly on the CEM test which she took in the spot having had no preparation for it. They really want to give her a place but I have to sort out extra bursaries to cover the fees. I had to rearrange the time for my meeting because I couldn't get her out of bed. Eventually she got up after I'd shouted so much that my throat was sore. When I picked her up from school that day she touched my arm and said, I'm sorry about this morning, I was just really tired. And I said I was sorry for shouting, I just find it very hard to control my frustration when she behaves that way. I also said for the umpteenth time that sleep is so important and she must not go on devices at bedtime and must be in bed at 9.30, can read/listen to radio and have lights out by 10 at the latest (any earlier than this is an unrealistic goal at present).
I thought we'd got somewhere, especially when my dad came to stay the other day and she took herself to bed without fuss, put her radio on and didn't go on her phone. But then last night, after I'd got her to bed and was settling down to bed myself, I noticed her light on at quarter to 11, went in and she was playing a game on her laptop and had her headphones on, hooked up to her phone. I was obviously not pleased and said, get off these things NOW and lights out, you need sleep! I don't want a repeat performance of the other morning because you're too tired to get up for school again. After several requests she slammed the laptop shut but then refused to hand over her phone. I went to take it off her and she slapped and pushed me. I wrestled phone off her, grabbed tablet and laptop and made for my bedroom to put them away where she couldn't get them. She grabbed me round the waist and wouldn't let go so I was struggling to get to my room while dragging her behind me (she is very strong, weighs more than me and I have chronic back problems). I shook her free eventually and got into my room and had to push back hard against the door to keep it shut while she tried to force it open demanding her phone back. Then she put her radio on top volume (this is at gone 11pm and we are renting semi-detached so I'm worrying the neighbours will complain). I have to run out of my room to grab her radio and confiscate it before she can get in my room and turn it upside down looking for her devices. Likewise with all the tv leads when she announces she is going downstairs to watch a film.
This morning, surprise surprise she won't get up for school. I had to ring work at 8 to explain why I can't get there at 8.30. Luckily they are extremely understanding. I now have to try again to get her to school as I've already said I'm not phoning in and lying that she is ill. I've sat and talked to her about how she must be feeling very sad and/or angry and it seems to be with me and I can arrange for her to talk with someone about it. Flat out refusal. Also that I'm concerned she is dependent on her smart devices. She says, well yeah why else would I hit you when you take it off me? Not for fun. So I say we have a problem and it needs to be sorted, she must see a professional about it because I don't know how to help.

Does she think she can get away for ever with hitting people if she doesn't get what she wants, or is it just you she should be able to attack? If the roles were reversed she'd be straight on the phone to child line. Yes, she does need to have professional help to stop her being arrested in future.

If she doesn't attack other people it just shows she can control herself and thinks it's ok to hurt you - ask her how she thinks that feels?

Sorry OP, I know it's not helpful but I have been on your thread a long time, you have made such efforts and she treats you appallingly. I know she is only young - but still.

It is just me. She wouldn't do it to anyone else. I have called our GP for a psychology referral.

And I tell her over and over that violence is not acceptable. She told me I'd hurt her last night because she got bumped against the wall while grabbing round my waist and I was struggling to get to my room. I apologised because I know I should set an examole and I did shake myself around in an attempt to break free of her knowing she might get bumped. Maybe I should have stayed still and waited for her to get bored? But then she would have grabbed all her devices back off me. I don't know, I am despairing.

You need the rule where all the devices are handed over to you weekday evenings at 9pm. If she complied she can have them until 10pm at the weekend.

She clearly doesn't have the self control not to go on them yet. I have similar with my youngest but no violence towards us thankfully.

I've tried that but she won't physically hand them over. That's the difficult bit. I set up google family link on which you can set screentime limits and bedtime but she just logged out of her google account and used another one so it then didn't work. And I can't control more than one device with it. Someone we know told us how you get bt wifi open network for free so now she can get online even without us having a router and even if I cancel her data. Yeah, thanks a lot.

I think you will just have to battle it out to assert your authority

Remove laptop and everything else whilst she's at school which just leaves her phone to get off her. Homework will have to be done at school/library....

If she is violent I would look at calling the police

Where are the chargers for all these devices? Can you hide them?

Op your only option is to cancel her contract, l would sit her down tonight and tell her very calmly, the very next time she refuse to hand over her devices at 9pm, (that is very late!)
or touches you in anger you WILL cancel her contract, and do it.

She has to learn op or she will go through life bullying for what she wants.

Once cancelled she will have to behave well for a solid month to reinstate her contract. Keep the same consequence going froward.

Buy a PAYG for essential communication.

You have done so well getting away from your appalling DM, but you have to crack this attitude now....wishing you luck.

I've done the rounds with these kinds of situations. She's too old to attempt to force her to behave correctly. Can you see that you tried to force/bully her into complying with your rules? It becomes a battle of whose will is stronger, who is physically stronger, and that isn't what you want.

When you go in at 11 saying 'give me your stuff, you shouldn't be on it, you'll never be up in time', (traditional parenting, I know), you unintentionally get her stressed and even more unable to sleep.

try a more collaborative "oh no, are you still up? Will you manage to get up in the morning, or shall I wake you a bit earlier? How about I make you a hot chocolate while you finish what you are doing?"

Have a chat another day about what habits you can follow so she can manage gadgets and time better. Perhaps a 'switch off at 9 on school days to earn a weekend takeaway' rule, or 'if you are on time every school morning, you can use your tech as late as you like at weekends' rule.

Try and make it a joint negotiation. She needs to learn how to regulate herself.

Children from typical, loving homes respond very differently to discipline. Your DD has been emotionally manipulated by her GM, the two of you haven't got the natural bond of trust that many young people have. You have to earn her respect and your authority.

It's not your fault. It's the GM who encouraged her to disrespect you.

Think of the difference between a rescue dog and a puppy you have always known. It's a different way of handling you need.

It will get better, but don't make it a battle for authority.

That's good advice. I have also tried that approach but I know I need to persist with it and be consistent. The thing is, it requires a ton of patience. I have moved house twice in the last two months. I have pushed my body beyond what I should with a history of CFS. I am tired and in pain and worrying about money. It is very hard for me to do the collaborative approach at 11pm when I have work the next day (as a GP so need to be on form and well-rested as it's mentally demanding) and need to be in bed asleep myself by then. I know your suggestion is better than my authoritative 'get to bed now!' approach but actually implementing it is a massive challenge. I will keep trying.

Op your daughter is violent with you. You have got away from your mum, only to now be living with abuse from your daughter.
The way she treats you is appalling.

I would take all the devices in the house and sell them, just get rid of them. Until she learns to treat you like a human being she doesn't deserve anything.

And I would absolutely make it clear that if she ever lays a hand on you again I would be calling the police. And I would do it.

So glad you are great advice from pickle.

I guess it's early evening when you need to have those discussions? So after school today you are negotiating about a non school night time.

What does she think would help her turn off devices at a reasonable hour? Give suggestions - leave them downstairs when she goes to her room, you'll text her with a 20 minute reminder. Lots of ideas that you both bounce around ask her which ones she thinks are good/bad?

She has not gone to school today. After her performance last night she is still in bed. I tried to get her up this morning. She wouldn't. I had to cancel my work, phone her school to say despite my efforts she won't come, and phone the GP to get her referred. She will not be getting any of her devices back tonight as she has already been told on previous occasions that I will not tolerate violence and privileges will be withdrawn as a consequence. I told her last night if she was violent again I would call the police and that if she caused a noise disturbance we would be evicted. I feel exhausted today and my hip has seized up from when she grabbed me last night.
I will discuss ways to control her time on devices as suggested but she won't be getting them back until we can make a plan for this and until her behaviour has been acceptable for a full week at least.

It's hard. My DS isn't allowed any devices at all if he's at home for whatever reason In school hours.

Can you get some family counselling ?