to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Yeah success

Mwah ahaha!!!!

I've got a late teen DD, so I do understand how hard it can be. But you are the adult, you pay for the wi fi I assume? So ... you call the shots

Hi OP, I hope no news is good news and things are going well for you.

Hi blueangel1, thanks. Have so much going on that I haven't posted for a while as trying to sort it all out! DD is missing her best friend from her old school. She's been back to hometown for sleepover and I got her the cheapest sim deal so she can text and phone her friend. She is getting on well with a few other girls in her class at new school. Getting her off screens in the evening is still a big issue as is getting her up in the morning. She refused to go to school yesterday. I read her the riot act. She has announced she now wants to go to the private school she previously discounted as 'weird and posh' because the work at her new school is boring, the kids are disruptive in lessons (mainly the boys, she says. I've told her yr 8 boys tend to be like this and do improve although I don't like to generalise!) I do get that she is understimulated and was rather bemused when she told me her English teacher had to Google how to explain what an adjective is (!!!) but I've told her she still has to cooperate and do as I ask her as there are good reasons why I tell her to do these things and the private school will not want a child with a bad attitude. I've called her bluff and arranged another visit there and asked if she can retake the entrance test. I explained the full situation re my mum and that DD took the original entrance test when this was at its peak. They are being very accommodating and the bursary is still on the table.
In other news we are living in temp accommodation because house purchase fell through (staggering miscommunication of info thanks to agent/solicitors re chain which initially was not supposed to exist). Found another place to buy. All was on track for fast completion until the vendors suddenly realised they did not have grant of probate and cannot get the application process started until beginning of Oct because the only person who deals with it at their solicitor's firm is on holiday. But apparently I can move in there at the end of this month anyway, rent it off them and have the rental deducted from the sale price. Trying to get this in writing... Deep breaths.
Getting some work established locally which is good.
DD does not mention her nan. I have offered to arrange counselling. She does not want it.

You are doing so well!!!

How are you feeling in yourself?

Ah thanks. I'm knackered. In bed having a rest while DD is at school and before I start doing some work next week. Had a very late and heavy period (9 days which is unheard of for me) and had faintest positive ghost line on preg test I thought I was imagining and my friends couldn't see, so been a bit twitchy about possibility of ectopic as I have a copper coil. But think I'm just overstressing with everything else that's been going on as it's extremely unlikely.

Re the preg tests, if anyone wants to humour me...I am 5.5 weeks since LMP. Had very heavy bleeding for 2 days starting on 5 weeks plus 1 day. Around time period was due (day 28 of cycle) I had horrible right sided pelvic cramps and more discharge than usual so that I thought period had started until I went to the bathroom and realised it hadn't. I don't usually get period pain. Here are the tests. They look negative except I can see the faintest ever line. Have a niggle up inside me on the right. It's not a pain but feels odd.

That test looks negative to me but given the unusual pain I would call 111 (the health one, not the police one?)

Well done for giving your daughter boundaries - she needs them.

And I am cheering at you calling her bluff re: private school

Keeping everything crossed about the accommodation issues, and that you can get DD into the private school. Interesting that she doesn't mention her nan; hopefully she is starting to unravel everything in her head now.

No idea about the pregnancy test, eek. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Niggles are settling. Think it's all stress.
On another note, am trying to train DD to be more self-sufficient. It is not working. I felt too rubbish to stand over her last night constantly telling her to go to bed. Got to the point where I went to bed leaving her up and texted her from my bed to go to bed herself. Fell asleep. Got up this morning and went into her room to try to get her up for orchestra. Lights are on. Half her school uniform is chucked on the other twin bed in her room. She is under the duvet wearing her school shirt and tie. She is sniffly and has a sore throat. I tell her she will get ill if she is sleep deprived. Let her off orchestra as no one thanks a parent who sends their kid along with a cold. She says she's going to lie on the sofa and watch telly. I go back to bed for a bit and try to sort out man with van for moving into new house next week (the contact I have texts me back to say he's sold his van. Ffs!) Come downstairs as feel bad for leaving DD downstairs on her own and think I should set an example by getting up. DD wanders into kitchen - 'what is there for breakfast?' On worktop are two boxes of cereal that she chose in the supermarket. In fridge is milk. Also crumpets and jam. I've told her before that at age 12 she is perfectly capable of getting herself some breakfast and I shouldn't have to remind her to do every little thing. As demonstrated, getting off her case and trusting her to sort herself out does not work.

It takes time for them to change she's had you and your Mum pandering to her.

Good reply to her question (without sarcasm) "what do you think there may be?" Or "See what you can find that's appropriate"

Good idea. I'll try that. Did her some crumpets and jam. She couldn't be arsed to cone and get them. I am eating them.

She can't pour herself a bowl of cereal or toast herself a crumpet??? Or she would rather go hungry than wait on herself? My DDs are now 12 and 13 and I think were pouring their own cereal or using the toaster when they were about 6. Of course sometimes I'll make breakfast for them even now (or they will for me!)

She pretends she doesn't know how to do it but she can. Just lazy. Did eventually get herself some cereal today after I ate the crumpets. She said, you could have, you know, brought them to me. I said, I am not your waitress. FFS

It's all par for the course, don't rise to the bait!

Sounds like your DD wants a bit of attention re breakfast. Humour her for a while till she's more settled, however irritating she may be.

DD still in bed refusing to get up. I start work at half 8. She is getting plenty of attention. Admittedly most of it me constantly asking her to do stuff

I suspect very much in the habit of receiving negative attention. Very hard dynamic to change, she must feel a bit lost without being able to play you and your Mum Off against each other- she's lost a lot of power!

Sorry no ideas how to help with blank refusal

Your dd is a brat and you seem to forget who is in control. Confiscate all devices. She's had enough chances. Don't get her out of bed in the morning, don't make her breakfast. Tell her you will be leaving at X time whether she is ready or not, hungry or not, she will soon learn.
I wouldn't consider any further contact with your mum, not even phone calls with your daughter. Someone as toxic as your mum should be cut completely. It won't bring anything positive to your or her life to have contact, and she will continue to try to undermine you.

Yep, that is what I did. Took her laptop and the wifi router to work with me. We are not in contact with my mother.

Where's her phone?

Phone needs to go as well. At this age, she needs lots of boundaries which are firm.
Even if she is not NT (which I think you have wondered about in the past?) She should not be able to do this sort of stuff.

No more asking! Tell her once, outline the consequences, then do them!

Left her phone with her as I had to go to work and leave her in house alone. There is no landline here and we don't know anyone so wanted her to be able to call me if needed.