to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Ugh, she has been and gone. I did have a struggle to get her to leave and did have to tell her I would call the police again after she refused to leave and tried to barge her way past me back into the hall. She gave DD an expensive present which I made sure DD said thanks for and didn't say anything negative about, gave my mother a cup of tea and piece of birthday cake (which she accepted when offered then poked around the plate and said, I can't eat this). As soon as she came in the house (just walked in without ringing bell like she still lives here), she put on the 'on the verge of tears face' and refused to come in the kitchen to acknowledge my godmother who has been one of her best friends for years. Godmother promptly left. I managed to be civil and respond to her conversation nicely but then she started on at me about when is she going to get her money from my house sale, her solicitors need to know etc etc, even though this is already being sorted via solicitors, then complaining to me that I've sent all her stuff round to her new place and she should have been allowed to come round here and sort through it. I shut that down very calmly as I didn't feel it was an appropriate discussion for DD's birthday. She tried pumping first me then DD for information about when my dad is next coming to visit us and I was deliberately vague but DD started to tell her so I changed the subject and my mother kept on at DD - 'why won't you tell me about grandad? Is it a big secret?' I let her show off her new car to me when I really wasn't interested. Then she stroppily said she was going to go. I asked DD to look up from her screen to say goodbye to my mother and went to see her out, which she took as me 'escorting her off the premises' (I was just trying to be courteous in front of DD) and she told me I didn't need to be so unpleasant to her. Then she said she needed to get some of her paint from the shed and garage. Then she faffed around there for a bit, then came back in the house calling for DD and telling her she should have pruned the wisteria because she couldn't get into the shed easily (DD is 12, as if she's going to prune the garden?!?). She asked DD to carry a really heavy pot of masonry paint to her car for her, which I insisted on doing with DD as it was far too heavy for just her. Then had another go at me for being horrible, then changed her mind about leaving and said she was going to stay after all, at which point I lost my patience and said, no you're not, it's time for you to leave now, and stood in the doorway so she couldn't get back in, but she squared up to me right in my face so I put my hands up to make a pushing away gesture (not pushing her, just gesturing that she had to move away) and she rammed me backwards trying to force her way back in. At which point I reminded her why she had been asked to leave in the first place and that I would call the police again if necessary. Cue 'I haven't done anything wrong. Come on, tell me what I've done then' I said 'you have been emotionally manipulative and abusive and it has been very damaging' to which she replied, 'no, it's you who is damaging. I'm very worried about your mental state. Luckily by this time she had decided to go out of the door so this was her parting shot.
I feel so terrible for DD and have apologised for what happened and that I could have dealt with it a lot better. I should have told my mother that she could not come round but I thought I could handle it for DD's sake. I'll know better in future.

It could have been worse, you know. You dealt with it very well.

Your mother doesn't sound like she's ever going to acknowledge what her behaviour has done. If you give her a shadow of a chance, she'll push and push and push until things are back the way they were two months ago.

HOpe you're not too shaken and that your daughter was happy with her birthday.

Yeah, you're right. DD had a good day with her friends and think that overrode the brief episode of shit this evening.

You did good and your Mother acting the way she did might in a strange way be good for your DD because you stood up and didn’t back down and your Mother showed how crazy and unreasonable she is.

If you have a crime reference number it might be worth calling 101 and logging an update about her reaction when you asked her to leave, that way they have a record of everything just in case you do need to call them again?

You know if you'd told her not to come she would have turned up anyway.

You dealt with her just fine.

How did she just walk in? Has she still got access?

Front door doesn't automatically lock when I shut it and I'd had guests in and out for DD's party so hadn't locked the door.

But no, she doesn't have a key

Well done, sounds as though you dealt with it as well as you possibly could (given what an unreasonable mare DM is). At least you're armed with a response for future attempts to visit!

I'm definitely not agreeing to her coming round the house at all from now on. Very annoyed about the present - an expensive tablet - as was clearly bought to buy DD's affection and upstage anything I would have bought, and also if mother had still been living here and I had bought same for DD (which I wouldn't because she has a smartphine and laptop already amd tearing her away from screens is a constant challenge) then mother would have loudly disapproved. But it was unboxed and being used before I had a chance to say anything so I can't take it off DD and insist it goes back now.

Good choice of not taking the tablet away OP, I imagine your mother did this hoping you'd disapprove and take it away so that you'd appear the bad guy. Glad that your dd enjoyed her birthday, and well done for how you handled yourself

I’d make sure the door is locked now to be safe.

Don’t worry about the tablet gift, nothing can be done about it now like you said and DD will eventually realise that the gift was to get back at you.

Is it worth contacting your mother to point out exactly what you've said and saying that if she does ever want contact in the future, she needs to work -with- you on presents, contact and everything else?

She will absolutely hate it, but it's the only way any sort of relationship can work.

But I really think you need to cut contact much further down for now. Give it time for the dust to settle and for her to get over her pique (if she is able to - she may not be) and kind of try to restart another relationship.

right now contact is kind of prolonging the agony.

I think you did really well!
Re the new tablet, you can always block it from accessing the wi fi?

Well done to you. I’ve had a similar situation to yours and sadly it often escalates before it finally improves. And when it does you know freedom like you’ve never known! Your relationship with DD will improve. Imagine what it’s been like for her being fed a poisonous narrative about you. She will realise over time but you need space for that to happen.
Not to sound too depressing but don’t be surprised if you hear from other people or even professionals that she’s trying to undermine you or make you sound unstable. Feigning concern about your MH is a classic abuse tactic designed to mess with you and imply to others you aren’t a good parent. Stay calm like you have. The gloves are off for her. She may not just roll over and give up without a fight. Be prepared for the worst so it doesn’t shake you if it happens.
I found the OOTF website so helpful for staying strong and sane! You really are doing so well. I’ve got everything crossed for you.

Ok she bought your DD an inappropriate gift but mentally shrug it off in the long run it's pretty insignificant against a decAde of abuse she's subjected DD.

KOKO you are doing great

I remember your old thread. I'm so glad you've got the vicious old witch out of your house. Your dd has been crying out for this. When she attacks you it's because she was trying to placate the grandmother. Like a puppy trying to please the alpha dog so she had no excuse to turn on her. Counselling for dd would be an excellent idea.

DD got school place at appeal, yaaaaaaas! A full-on weekend of all the packing ahead. Exhausted but keeping on.

I've been following and rooting for you OP. Fab news!!

Excellent!!

I’m so pleased for you, well done. This is really the start of someth8ng great,

I'm following your thread too OP and cheering you on So pleased to hear the good news!

So happy for you op! I didn’t read your previous thread but I’ve read all of this one - and just wanted to say, you’re bloody awesome.

I hope this is the start of your amazing new future

Brilliant news =) !

Are you moving soon?