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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

646 replies

YesSheCan · 26/06/2018 15:38

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 03/08/2018 09:24

I hope things are going well.Thanks

Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 07:10

Was just typing out a long post, phone crashed and it disappeared. Too upsetting to write it all out again - our beautiful cat was hit by a car and killed yesterday evening. She was only 4. DD and I are heartbroken. I was looking forward to us living near a less busy road because people do drive too fast down ours even though it's a 30 and there's a school. Feel so immensely sad and wrung out and still have so much to do. Called my mother to tell her last night. She was very upset too as she was very fond of our cat. Then she asked if she could come round today and sort her stuff out as her reading glasses are still here and she needs them (hasn't asked for them back before) I initially said ok reluctantly but then realised I can't deal with this, DD seems to really not want her to come round and I can carry on packing her stuff for her and send it round to hers without her having to come round here. Last thing I can deal with right now is my mum coming round and crying at me that I 'have to understand' how much she misses DD and to 'stop being so stupid'

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/08/2018 07:32
Thanks
InsuranceGirl · 04/08/2018 08:27

Oh @Yesshecan I’m so sorry about your cat, that was my worst fears about my cat when we lived on a main road Flowers

Regarding your Mum just get her reading glasses ready and when she comes round just pass her them and if she wants to come in just say it’s not a good time, or give her a call and say you’ve found/need to know where her reading glasses are and is there anything else she’d like you to get ready for her to pick up at the same time. Or maybe just drop them round to her, if they are in a padded envelope it should be ok just to pop through the letter box

Clutterbugsmum · 04/08/2018 08:42

God she was quick to get to while you and your dd are upset didn't she.

Text her back and say no she can not come to house and you will arrange for someone to drop all her remaining belongings off at her house.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 08:58

Thank you. Yes, I texted back and told my mum I can't deal with her coming round after all so can she please not. I've already booked a van for next week to take her furniture round. She knows this. Going to have breakfast with DD then look for reading glasses and will drop them round to her this morning.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 04/08/2018 09:26

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat, @YesSheCan that's really hard, especially the way it happened. ThanksThanksThanks

You did well to tell your DM not to come, there's no way you can cope with her manipulative ways just now.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 13:14

Thanks Lizzie48. I'd anticipated that my mum would ignore my message not to come round after all so packed up a lot more of her clothes, searched the house for her reading glasses (not here) and drove her stuff round to her new place. As predicted, she was just leaving to come to ours and feigned ignorance when I asked did she not see my message? She gave DD a DVD which she thought 'might cheer her up'. She said she needs to come round and sort through her things (I can go out while she's here - wow, can I? Thanks so much) and she has taken legal advice and says I can't stop her having access to her things. I said I'm not stopping her having access to her things, I'm packing them all up and have arranged a van to transport to her so she can sort through at her convenience. She still kept talking at me then started crying and shouting 'I'm upset (about the cat) too' and saying she loves me and how can I do this to her and she hasn't done anything wrong all in the same breath. I said if she didn't understand how her behaviour had been wrong then I don't want any contact with her. She says 'I'm sorry if I've ever done anything to upset you' and I said 'you can't be sorry if you don't know what you've done wrong' then I wound up the car window whereupon she did angry shouty face at me and said 'don't do that to me' in irate parent telling off naughty child voice. Then I drove off (with great difficulty as she was almost blocking me in). Regret contacting her but felt it was decent thing to do to let her know about the cat and DD wanted me to let her know, but didn't particularly want to see her.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 04/08/2018 14:02

Her behaviour today shows you are correct in your thinking that you need to limit at best or go NC with her for your's and your dd mental health and well being.

downinthejunglee · 04/08/2018 16:50

I'm sorry about you're catThanks
You handled yourself so well with your mother, you're so strong.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 16:56

Ah thank you. Don't know about strong. I'm in pieces over our beautiful cat. She was very special to me.

OP posts:
blueangel1 · 04/08/2018 17:54

So, so sorry about your cat, pets are family too. Maybe you'll be able to rescue an abandoned one after you move.

Agree with pp that nc is the best way forward, particularly as DM has demonstrated that she can't control her behaviour.

Thinking of you xx

Lizzie48 · 04/08/2018 18:00

I know how hard it is, losing a beloved cat. As a teenager, I lost 2 within 2 months of each other on the road. I was also devastated as an adult in my 40s, when my really special companion, who I'd bought as a rescue cat and had been with me for 10 years, had had to be PTS. It broke my heart.

You need to allow yourself time to grieve for your lovely cat. You might get another one, but if won't be the same.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 19:31

Thanks Lizzie, it is heartbreaking. I don't feel I could cope with the loss of another. Our family cat died peacefully at 18 while I was at uni, having chosen to live at our neighbour's a few years previously so died in her sleep there. I was sad then but she was so old and had had a lovely long life. It's always so hard to lose a pet though. This was such an awful shock and she was a young healthy cat who should have had many happy years ahead. I'm so angry even though it was an accident and I can't blame anyone. We only have a few weeks before the move and I was so glad we'd be living on a quieter road. Let that be a lesson to prospective cat owners. No animal lover wants to go through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesSheCan · 04/08/2018 19:33

Thanks blueangel, yes, nc except for absolutely necessary logistical messages re the move, then we can have a rest from my mother's damaging drama

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/08/2018 19:45

Can you see that your DD is relieved to me free of your Mum's drama, and didn't want her in the house? Any time you wobble or feel guilty remember that.

So sorry about DCat they steal your hearts don't they Thanks

downinthejunglee · 12/08/2018 13:09

Any news on a moving date OP Smile

toomuchtooold · 12/08/2018 13:16

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat. Don't these things always seem to happen when life is stressful enough.

You've done fantastically well with your mother, you are awesome! Is everything gone yet? I hope so, and that you and your DD are getting a bit of peace and quiet now.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 12/08/2018 15:59

Thanks both. Yes, toomuchtooold, I'm heartbroken over my darling cat. She was meant to come with us for our new start and enjoy our calm new home. We miss her so much. Have done so much packing of my mum's stuff and it's still not quite all gone yet, but getting there. She complained to my dad, who came especially to help me with the moving of her stuff, that I was sending too much stuff round to her place and she has 'enough to do without all this stuff round here'. Errrr....it's her things! And I've worn myself out and paid money packing and moving it all for her. F'ing cheek. Oh well, nearly there. Finally have a moving date and a date for the school appeal for DD (bit worried about this - if turned down don't know what gonna do. The head did phone me and say he thought she'd probably get a place though but I guess you can never tell). Once we've moved in and settled I am going to have a cat enclosure built so can get a rescue cat and keep them safe from the road but let them go outside. Only wish I'd thought of this for my dear kitty.

OP posts:
downinthejunglee · 12/08/2018 17:42

Still sorry about your dear cat. But great news on the moving date and fingers crossed for you with the school placeSmile

Bekabeech · 12/08/2018 22:53

We were told by our Vets to keep our Cats in for 6 months (as well as having them neutered) would tend to make them less likely to roam, and it seems to generally work. It is hard to keep a determined cat confined especially in hot weather.

Original poster
YesSheCan · 14/08/2018 15:50

DD's birthday today. Mother rang this morning to say happy birthday. She now talks to me in hostile wounded voice. Handed her straight over to DD. DD talks to her in monosyllables for about a minute then hands phone back to me and says, 'nana's asking if she can come round later'
Argh, FFS. At the time I'm frantically preparing for DD's birthday party (currently underway; she is in her room with her friends doing god knows what!) and have food on my hands and say, er, tell her she can come round at 4. Ferl so put on the spot. Why does she ask when she knows she isn't welcome here? Figured DD's friends' parents will be coming to collect soon after and mother will hopefully leave. If any negativity from her I will ask her to leave straight away. So pissed off, mostly with myself for not telling her to stay away. I guess I can just be stepford mum and do the infamous MN tinkly laugh and head tilt if she starts acting up.

OP posts:
secretselkie · 14/08/2018 16:14

I don’t have any info or advice that will help in the short term OP (and I didn’t see your previous thread so I don’t know a lot of the story) but I just wanted to say to tread really carefully with how you deal with your DD over this.

I moved 100’s of miles away from my mother when my older DD’s were 13 & 11 due to, I’m guessing, similar issues to those you are dealing with, and I am still dealing with the subsequent damage to my relationship with my eldest DD (who is now in her late 20’s). She was very close to her DGM and wouldn’t even try to see this as anything other than utter selfishness on my/my DH’s (not her Dad) part, blaming us/this for everything that went wrong in her life from that point on, and her siding with my mum in almost every way even when a lot of other relatives tried to get her to see the truth of the situation and where the real blame lay.

It’s been a hard slog, and I now have a DGS that I only see a couple of times a year as a result.. I doubt our relationship will improve any until my mum isn’t around anymore, and maybe not even then..

So, stay strong & do what you need to do to ensure the best outcome for your family, but at the same time, when it comes to your DD, give wherever you can, try and put yourself in her shoes as much as you can and do everything in your power to make sure she knows you hear her & care about the effect on this will have on her

I wish you luck! xx

blueangel1 · 14/08/2018 17:34

Don't take any crap from her. If she starts playing up, remind her that you called the police the last time she behaved appallingly.

SeaEagleFeather · 14/08/2018 19:07

Why does she ask when she knows she isn't welcome here?

Why did she undermine you? why did she deliberately try to supplant you in your daughter's affections?

She is, sadly, not a friend though from all you've written she loves you in some weird twisted blind way. But not in a healthy one, and she's too dangerous to let near you for a long time.

I don't think you should let her come and tell her that if she does, you will call the police. It will take a LONG time before enough has healed to meet her or have her at your house (whichever house that is).

Also, it sounds like your daughter doesn't want much to do with her, yes and I think you should take note of that.

When you see it's your mother calling, put your guard up immediately so that you don't get railroaded into something, like this, that is actually quite destructive. It's far too soon and she will almost certainly spoil your daughter's birthday.

She certainly hasn't had your daughter's best interests or true happiness at heart up until now and it's impossible to believe that's changed in a few short weeks.