to change DD's school & move away to have a life separate from DM?

[YesSheCan]

Namechange as too much personal info on previous thread, now deleted.

Ok thanks, just so very tired and premenstrual as well so anxiety is really bad. But managing. And DD is ok considering

The strain of the last years and the last awful weeks will take a while to get over, if you already have issues with tirednes, but it -will- get better.

I hope your partner can cherish you a bit and actually, help you enjoy life again!

Poor DD had a bit of a cry last night. She didn't talk about how she was feeling but of course last week must have upset her, plus it's end of term on Friday and she does not want to leave her school. She is still saying she won't move with me and why don't I 'cancel' the house I'm buying and get the other one in our home town...her reasoning that DM hasn't interfered at all since last week. Deep breath...I said 'but things had got so bad that the police had to tell her not to'. I understand she must miss having DM around as she is so used to that being the norm. But I have said we are still moving and that's that, trying to be positive about how once at new school she will be staying there and will make new friends, can still keep in touch with her friends here etc etc, how the two of us need a new start. She still says she'll stay with DM instead.

Argh. The thing with moving house is that it takes so bloody long!
Hope your week has been quiet, im sure dd will be fine when the time comes it is waiting which is hard

I know it's hard but you are doing amazing.
I'd keep it simply when she says she will stay with your mum.
'That isn't an option' then distract, maybe ask her how she wants to decorate her new room.

In 3/6/9/12 months things will be so different.

She'll be in a new school and will have made new friends and will be starting to forget this period of her life
You'll be in a new house
Things will be settling

This is a very very hard time to get through. Stay strong. You can do this.

She's just lashing out (verbally, about not moving) because she's been conditioned by your DM's behaviour and it may take a while to undo that. As Semster says, a couple of months' distance will make all the difference. Hang on in there.

Hope you and your DD have had a quite start to the school holiday.

Thanks again all. DD is having a break at her GFs. I'm doing my best to get house stuff sorted. Am exhausted and anxiety/dermatillomania is flaring, not helped by menstrual fluctuations. Had an emergency rest today which has helped. When woke up made a constructive list of ways to improve my parenting!

Keep at it, we are all cheering you on. Good you’ve let DD go to GF house, has she been ok and talking to you?

Has your Mother made any attempt of contact on either of you?

One day at a time

Well done OP. You have been strong and determined in the face of what seemed to be insurmountable odds.

No, I sent NC message to my mum day after she left the house. But I did say we would need to be in contact by text or email only to sort out moving business as a lot of her stuff is still here. Then realised some of DDs stuff (that she needs for activities) was still in her car so sent text asking if we could arrange for me to collect. No answer. Got message through via DB then she brought the things round and left them in garage while I was out. Keep getting important calls for her on house phone and having to leave messages for her to call these people back, which is tiresome. Will be a relief when moved and we no longer share a home contact number!

DD is being much better with me, hugs, accepting that she is starting a new school, talking about how she'll keep in touch with friends. Am writing myself a list of rules including not to start yelling when she refuses to go to bed (still an issue but pretty standard preteen stuff it seems)

Frustrating as it must be her not letting you know about getting DD stuff back at least it’s came back and DB let you know. She’ll be stinging about not having the control and no doubt trying to have some somehow but eventually you’ll be there with a separate number and not having to think about what of hers you have in your home.

Glad to see your DD is getting on better, being a teenager and not wanting to go to bed, especially with school having broken up and this heat, will be hard (I know I sulked with my parents because I’d broken up from school so why have bedtimes) but my parents did win out with sending me to bed, normally by my Dad watching something boring on TV and falling asleep and snoring loud in his chair, didn’t realise for ages it was a fake snore but it made me go upstairs to escape the noise 😂

I’m so pleased that dd is being better with you.

Stay strong, you’re doing great

Keep getting important calls for her on house phone and having to leave messages for her to call these people back, Don't tell them she no longer at this phone number and address and the give them her mobile phone number or her new address for them to contact her. She still making you run around after her.

Just want to repeat what @Clutterbugsmum said: stop taking messages for your mum. Stop passing them on.

When people call, tell them this isn't the number to contact her on & give a new number.

Consider changing your answerphone message if that will help. You don't have to record her number on there but you could say "xxx no longer available at this number - if you have alternative method of contact please use it". Make it clear in your message that leaving a message for your mum will go nowhere.

Hopefully not much longer now.
Oh - change your numbers when you move just in case she keeps giving yours out.

Well done you. You are doing brilliantly and are a blooody inspiration. Pom-poms are waving madly here.

Yes you can

So pleased to hear things are improving between you and DD! That's the best outcome of all and must surely make all the horridness of having to kick your mum out seem worth it.

Yes it really will be worth it in the long run. It's really taken it out of me though. Worn out and anxiety flaring, skin picking relapse and now on antibiotics because picking wounds infected. Having to start again with quitting the picking, it's like being an addict who has relapsed. Trying hard to keep myself well for DD as well as myself.

It's not really surprising your anxiety has flared, I mean, I can't imagine anyone not being affected by anxiety and stress in your situation. But you know it will be worth it, just keep focusing on the end result, you can do it for you and your girl.

@YesSheCan

This
Reminds me: two steps forward + one step back = 1 step forward.

You are moving forward with your life and so is your daughter. Thanks to your courage.

I'm doing a full on cheerleading dance now, with Pom-poms, banners, music and streamers. The lot.

YES YOU CAN
YES YOU CAN

You hanging in there OP?

Yeah, I'm hanging! Thanks. So much to do here, am getting logistics for move sorted out. DD is ok, if spending all day in her pyjamas playing computer games while I do housework is ok?!

Sounds pretty cool typical for a girl of her age!

Wow, I haven't seen this thread since you just started the new one things have moved on so much. Well done @Yes you're doing amazingly and it does sound like DD is feeling more relaxed.

I don't know if the old thread is still up but it might be worth printing it out - and this one too. It sounds like you won't need it now and I really hope you won't but diaries etc are always considered good evidence and it gives a really good catalogue of events of the last couple of months.