OP, I haven’t read your other thread but I’ve been following this as it resonates deeply.
I was brought up by my grandmother whom I’ve always - for over 35 years - thought was my saviour, my hero. Someone who took me away from my chaotic mum. My GM loved me, cared for me, I was fed, safe etc and she came to every school play, was always there for me. It wasn’t until I became a mother myself, 16 years ago, that my mind began to unravel and I started to reflect back on my own mother and childhood.
My GM was very cruel and cold towards my DM and favourited her middle son, instead. As a result, my DM seeked love out in all the wrong places (older, married men). When I was born out of a one night stand, my mother was 16 and GM would pick me up and say “come to mummy” instead of “grandma”. My DM ran away when I was 9 weeks old because she could cope with living with GM. What followed was years of abusive relationships, drugs, prison and three daughters by different fathers and she just couldn’t cope. My GM took me in and my sisters went into care.
My GM favours one child from each set of grandchildren; she’d buy me clothes and toys but nothing for my siblings. I’ve seen her physically stop my nephew (aged 3) from going in to her home and making him play outside only to then turn to my second cousin (the same age as nephew and who was playing with him) and say “this is my little boy”, cuddle him and tell him to go to her ‘treats box’ in the kitchen to get himself a sweet.
I have two DC’s, she favours my son and has developed an unhealthy relationship with him.
When he was five months old, I was diagnosed with postnatal psychosis and all I could talk about to the psychiatrists and counsellor was my DM and my childhood. My GM had to take over caring for my son and so began years of guilt for me and controlling behaviour from her.
I’d ask her not to give him sweets or chocolates whilst I was at work, only to look through the window and see her laughing as my son went through the ‘treats box’. One Christmas, I had to work until 10pm on the Christmas Eve so my son slept over at GM’s. I asked her not to let him open gifts until I arrived at 7am- when I got there at 7am he’d opened them all.
A few years later when my son was nearly 10, I met someone only to find myself in an abusive relationship and three years later I fled to a refuge. GM would phone my son at the time and cry “you don’t love me any more” to him. She’d demand me to tell her where we were even though I wasn’t allowed to, she’d cry and make me feel guilty so I caved in only for her to tell her friends where we were, whilst crying to them.
Me and my children settled in a different county and over the last year, she’d ring my son even whilst he was at school. She’d ring him again at 3.10pm when he’d leave school and continue to ring him until he got home. If he wouldn’t answer, she’d ring the landline or my mobile. He was a teenager and she was nearly 80 years. I told her most days to leave him alone. She’d ring him every evening whilst he was with friends. And all of that just so she could hear his voice.
If she rang and I was cross with my son for whatever reason (not tidied up, not washed dishes etc) she’d ring him to warn him that I was cross.
My son’s behaviour changed for the worse last year, very angry and aggressive, he was arrested for shoplifting, he’d punch the walls and doors in front of his sister. I’m a lone parent and have no support and I’m ashamed to say I was afraid of him. My GM would send him money and phone credit even though I’d tell her not to as it was rewarding his poor behaviour. She’d cry that she was lonely and depressed so I’d have to have her to stay for a weekend and the whole time she’d want to be with my son, rubbing his back and whispering in his ears if I ever told him off for his poor behaviour. One time, he had a bottle of coke and we’d just had new carpets put down. I asked him several times to drink it in the kitchen but he ignored me - and then spilled it on the carpet. I cried whilst cleaning it up and she rubbed his back and whispered in his ears.
It came to a head this Easter when he packed his bags and moved in with her. Now she has what she’s always wanted, she’s gone from ringing me around 4 times a day to 3 times since Easter!
My son visits and tells me he feels uncomfortable as GM runs me down to him. I’ve paid for his maintenance, food and anything he needs but we have no bond, unfortunately.
My GM is 80 years old, she has three children and neither speak to each other because she’s favourited one against the other. My mother is unwell with MS - my GM lives around the corner but she’s never visited because “why should I? No one comes to see me”. Everything is about her.
My mother has three daughters and does not know how to be a mother in the loving and caring sense. She too, favourites one grandchild from each daughter’s offspring.
I know this is an incredibly long post but I wanted to tell you what happens when you don’t stick up to these people. I wish I’d listened to the refuge worker years ago who told me to change my number and block GM out because they could see how controlling she was.
You have done amazing putting yourself and your daughter first - I wished I had. Maybe my son would still be here with me today? He doesn’t answer my calls because she gets mad, if he’s been to see me GM cries with my son. It’s very toxic behaviour. I’ve been referred to a mental health team this week and have started medication.
I’ll be following your progress Op! Xx