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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS

235 replies

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:08

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:34

Forces families do sacrifice a lot even when they are not separated or divorced.

The main reason relationships break down is due to the stress of tours/patrols.

We get very little support. ESP unaccompanied.

So lovely though to see the attitude towards forces families on here.

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:34

Your OH had a choice.
You can move regiments. You can move jobs. He chose to put his son second to his job. He is frankly acting like a CF moaning that his son is now not putting him first.

He has no right to do that.

LemonysSnicket · 25/06/2018 23:35

I also find that SPs either fully understand or do not understand whatsoever ... you seem to be in the latter. He is a spare child to you, non a mmotf

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:36

I had him for two weeks in the summer holidays when DH was away.

He isn’t in a regiment. And he couldn’t move jobs.

OP posts:
Poloshot · 25/06/2018 23:38

One of them things, his dad didn't bother with him when he was younger by the sounds of it, now he doesn't really bother with his dad who now wants to know. How it goes.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:38

Ok I am a terrible step mother.

I should have moved all my own kids away from their family, friends and school up to somewhere where there are no jobs to keep DSs happy. Hmm

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 25/06/2018 23:40

It isn't just being in the forces though- it's being in a job where he is away for long periods and then on top of that creating 2 additional families, not making the effort when his marriage broke down, expecting his exes and new wives to facilitate contact and just not doing enough.

MinorRSole · 25/06/2018 23:41

Oh fgs, are you even listening! This isn't about you - your dh was a terrible dad. He needs to accept it and find a way to repair the damage instead of trying to excuse it

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:43

We do not have children together.

He was fucking depressed when his marriage broke down.

His ex wife doesn’t drive so we do all the driving.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:43

He is not a terrible dad.

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:43

So ship/sub then or unit. Either way his career is a choice. He picked it over his child. He had options the child did not. Now that child is an adult he is doing just as his dad did to him.
Sorry but you cant blame him.

I was a brat for 16 years. We lived all over the world and after 22 years in service my father still managed to put us first.
I hate it when people use forces life as an excuse for being a shit parent.

Northernparent68 · 25/06/2018 23:44

Yes, lady Russel it is rude, but your dss is probably angry and trying to punish his father. I accept your husband had to travel with work, but having two extra families must have meant he had no tie for his son

LunaTrap · 25/06/2018 23:45

So he can tell his son that. None of it is his fault because of the job he chose, the additional kids he chose to have, plus depression and the fact that his ex stepmum doesn't drive. I'm sure all will be forgiven.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:46

CosmicCanary

I see him being a parent and he has tried. He is not a shit parent.

When you separate and you are in the forces it’s fucking hard.

The travel costs are massive.

OP posts:
Oswin · 25/06/2018 23:49

Op he fucked up.
And he is fucking up with your younger step kids too.
He should have quit bloody years ago.

When he gets time off he has to split his time between too many people. His younger kids, then he has to travel to see you. He needs to quit and live near his younger children and try and save his relationship.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:49

And it’s a fucking Boat.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 25/06/2018 23:50

A lot of kids do not take on any responsibility for keeping contact with their parents. My DSDs live 10 mins walk away but now they are 18+ they never visit, rarely acknowledge birthdays, and only see their Dad if he physically picks them up and it’s in their interests.

I think your DH can help his son by being really clear and by not giving up on him. He can tell his son he was hurt that he travelled all that way, and he’d love a call / text / FaceTime or whatever.

He should expect to initiate 80% though at least but importantly not let the relationship become bogged down by his sons indifference. Keep it a good relationship. Do they get on? Does he help his son financially or emotionally? Even if it’s taking his son out for his favourite curry, just to keep giving and developing.

The trouble with a distant relationship, both now and in the past, is that it can easily fade out. DH needs to keep it going until his son gets married, that’s when it truly hopefully becomes much more two way.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/06/2018 23:50

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that

The irony!

At least your DSS is doing it to a grown man in return, rather than a little boy. You said yourself he could have made more effort. That was when your DSS was little - when he really needed him.

Reap, sow: I agree.

CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:50

Tough shit.
The forces is not badly paid and living on base is cheap. If he does the kind of job you make out he does he wont be skint.

He can get travel warrants to see his kids if he is so poor....which I doubt he is.

You make excuse after excuse for him.
I know many a single dad who serves and tgey are not as crap as your oh.

MinorRSole · 25/06/2018 23:51

Military do not pay for kids.

Just to go back a bit this isn't strictly true. The military subsidise school fees and pay for 3 return flights a year for dependents between the country of the posting and the uk. Unless it has changed, which is possible as I'm considerably older than your dss.

I'll leave it there, you aren't interested in anything that doesn't fit your 'dh is the victim' narrative

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:51

Oswin

HOW?!

He lives away from me his wife because an opportunity came up for him to live near his two younger kids who he sees in the week and we have EOW.

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:52

And it’s a fucking Boat.

Ha ha ha yeah cos that matters.

So he is naval big deal look at you being a big smarty pants. Hes still a shit dad.

Oswin · 25/06/2018 23:54

You need to stop pretending he didnt have a choice. He did. He could have quit years ago. He should have.
I remember previous posts of yours. He should have quit to take on a bigger share of his younger kids. He didnt.
He has put his career above his kids.

My dad was airforce. He divorced his wife and contact was difficult so he resigned.
He didnt want to end up like the other dads he worked with, he said the less they seen their kids the less they wanted too.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:54

Tough shit The forces is not badly paid and living on base is cheap If he does the kind of job you make out he does he wont be skint He can get travel warrants to see his kids if he is so poor....which I doubt he is. You make excuse after excuse for him.
I know many a single dad who serves and tgey are not as crap as your oh

Not sure why you are being so offensive.

He doesn’t get travel warrants for his kids and the CMA only take into consideration travel when the kids are in the actual car.

OP posts:
colditz · 25/06/2018 23:56

So he had a son and didn’t keep good contact. Had another two kids, kept good contact. Moved in with you and your kids and is now making a real effort (apart from trying to do a family friendly job at any point in his entire adult life).

Your stepson must feel like a fucking dressmakers dummy. All the mistakes got made on him. No wonder he can’t be bothered with a man who has never ever even ONCE prioritised him.

At any point in the last 20 years your partner could have sought different employment and been around more. He could have not had more kids and he could have not chosen to raise kids that aren’t even his. But he hasn’t. He’s done whatever pleases the current woman in his life and fuck the consequences for his first son.