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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DSS

235 replies

LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 19:08

DSS is 22.

His mum and DH split when he was 4. DH travelled a lot with Work and his contact with DSS was patchy at times. He could have tried harder tbh. He married and had 2 more children and DSS was included in that family and contact was more regular.

After we got together 9 years ago it DSS was a teenager and we lived 6 hours away but we always paid for DSS to fly down when he wanted to in the holidays, made him welcome and made sure he could get to family events and went to see him at least 3/4 times a year on top. Even when DH was away (with the forces) I had him every summer for two weeks.

Last few times we have gone to see him he’s changed his plans last minute and cancelled or he’s kept us hanging around all day giving us no firm plans. He doesn’t bother with his dads bday or father’s day or xmas. Obviously he gets a gift from us to the same value as the other children. We never ever let him down when we were due to see him.

OH has taken the opportunity to be in the same town as DSS this week and went up yday as DSS had today off work and he took today off so they could spend the day together.

He was really looking forward to spending some time with him and travelled up yesterday. I think he was disappointed that he didn’t even get a text on father’s day.

However DSS has cancelled on him this morning to go on a fishing trip, which I think is really poor.

AIBU to think a grown man should not behave like that and he should put some effort into his relationship with his dad (they get on really well).

I feel really sad for OH.

OP posts:
CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:02

Military do not pay for kids.

Sorry but why should they?

MinorRSole · 25/06/2018 23:03

Op I'm not trying to have a go, although it must seem that way. I'm trying to highlight to you the feelings of his son. I'm not talking about his now adult son, I'm talking about the 10 year old (or however old he was) who has grown up hearing the same excuses you are giving here. The 22 year old currently rejecting your husband still has all those childhood feelings of hurt and he is absolutely entitled to feel that way.
There is no hope of your husband having a relationship with his son if he will not take responsibility for the hurt he caused and continues to hide behind his career.

LunaTrap · 25/06/2018 23:05

Why would I want your address? Confused I just wondered why both sets of kids were at opposite ends of the country and he wasn't anywhere near either of them. It all sounds very chaotic for the kids involved and you can't blame your DSS for not thinking your DH is father of the year.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:06

He DOES take responsibility.

Hence he is always wanting to go up there and he/we get fobbed off.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:07

She would have been given 90 days to leave married quarters. She had to move and the MOD are not helpful in those circumstances. Wow he has done a number on you. You believe the crap he comes out with*

Well you are actually way off the mark here as her and I are good friends.

OP posts:
jpclarke · 25/06/2018 23:07

It's very poor form and hurtful on your dh but it sounds like dss is trying to teach him some sort of lesson. He is only 22 and sounds quite immature, he obviously doesn't accept your Dh's job as being an excuse from him not seeing him. Kids have different ideas on what a parent should or shouldn't be. Unfortunately, you are both just going to have to try and keep making an effort with him and show ye are there for him until he works through his own issues with his father. You sound like you have tried to be a very supportive step mom and tried to keep everyone happy so I can understand why you feel hurt and please don't give up on dss he is obviously struggling with some element of his relationship or lack of relationship with his father.

MinorRSole · 25/06/2018 23:10

*He DOES take responsibility.

Hence he is always wanting to go up there and he/we get fobbed off.*

That's not taking responsibility, that's visiting your child - it's totally normal for parents to do that!

CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:10

Well you are actually way off the mark here as her and I are good friends.

Yeah ok Hmm

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:12

We took the kids away on holiday together.

OP posts:
KeepServingTheDrinks · 25/06/2018 23:12

I understand why you feel attacked, OP.

But there are some very good (and obviously knowledgable) thoughts on this thread, and you're batting them all away. Poster after poster is talking about years of hurt your DSS has stored up, and you've not acknowledged that at all.

I get that you see the good in your DH and it must make this thread uncomfortable reading for you, but you're not even 'hearing' what people are trying to say to you.

CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:14

We took the kids away on holiday together.

Hmm hmm.

I am out. This thread is a walter mitty.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:15

I am well aware of how hurt he is and over the years we have gone out of our way to talk to him, include him and I have constantly taken a back seat so DSS can have time with DH alone.

I don’t expect a medal but sometimes I see my husband twice a month and then he’s away for four months and he gets 6 weeks leave a year and then tries to spend a week alone with his son to be fucked off and ditched.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:16

Hmm hmm I am out. This thread is a walter mitty

How sad that that’s so unbelievable.

OP posts:
IAmNotAWitch · 25/06/2018 23:19

I think for kids it doesn't actually matter WHY the parent isn't there, they just aren't.

Yes it was rude of your DSS to cancel last minute but your DH just isn't a priority to DSS.

He probably didn't feel like a priority growing up.

If you don't put the early work in you can't just expect someone to care about you when you decide you are available.

Why you didn't put the time in doesn't matter, the relationship just isn't there.

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 25/06/2018 23:19

If you are well aware how hurt he is, why do you say you feel sad for DH but are annoyed with DSS? The relationship is damaged so he is also deserving of your sympathy & understanding

CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:20

OP
I work within the armed forces. I work with men in the SAS and SBS. They get way more leave than 6 weeks per year. They can request postings to basis near their children. They do not need to move 100s of miles away from their kids unless they choose to.

But hey this great father this great man is just hard done by. Nothing is his fault.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:23

My OH isn’t in the fucking SAS or SBS he does something where there are not very many bases.

He gets 6 weeks a year and that INCLUDES bank holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:25

His choices are Plymouth, Scotland, America at a push or Portsmouth if he wants to do a desk job which most do not.

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 25/06/2018 23:26

It's hard. I'm 23 and my parents split up at 14. I'm only just realising how to have an adult relationship with DF. I've always been the easy kid and they've always tried to include me but it is easy to feel second best or abandoned no matter the situation.

They have a whole life without you, you're balancing 2 families and after you meet a partner 3/4 families. It's horrible for the parents but the kids don't know where they stand - are we important? Are they doing it out of duty? Would they rather be left alone?

Not making excuses, but even as an adult we often have 0 idea how people feel about us.

LunaTrap · 25/06/2018 23:27

If he's away for months at a time with no contact with anyone in addition to the lack of effort he isn't going to have a close relationship with his son anyway. His son will be used to not having his father as a regular feature in his day to day life so will prioritize other things just like his Dad did.

CosmicCanary · 25/06/2018 23:28

Ahhh hes just special then.

He chose to put his career before his kids. Too late to moan now.

MinorRSole · 25/06/2018 23:29

6 weeks holiday - not enough time to maintain a relationship with your child but time enough to create more.

or Portsmouth if he wants to do a desk job which most do not

Those who want a relationship with their children can't always have exactly what they want in other areas. There was a compromise to be made, his child was the compromise.

LemonysSnicket · 25/06/2018 23:30

Especially hard when other kids are involved. It is acutely painful watching someone else's children be raised by your parents - to you it may seem like 'but they weren't together and I had children' but to the previous child it feels like someone else was raised by your dad. Like you didn't matter ....

ThistleAmore · 25/06/2018 23:30

My father was a Naval officer until he died when I was in my late teens.

We lived in Singapore until I was three, as it was the most convenient international base, but then moved home. Dad was frequently away for 6-8 months at a stretch, but when he was at home, he was the most hands-on, involved and adoring and adored father you can imagine, and not a day goes by when I don't think of him and miss him madly.

'His job took him away and it affected their relationship'.

With all due respect, b*llocks. Yes, people (mothers and fathers) often have to travel for work, but if you want a relationship to work, you make it work.

As PPs have said, your husband is reaping what he sowed and I don't blame your stepson a bit.

Original poster
LadyRussell · 25/06/2018 23:30

His son was nowhere near Portsmouth.

OP posts:
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