Lets call a spade a spade

[Storm4star]

I tend to go on this board and relationships. There are two thread's going on right now where meeting someone new in your 40s is mentioned. Now I know there are people who meet good partners at 40/50/60 and beyond! But lets get real here. The chances of meeting "Mr Right" are pretty slim at these ages. Some get lucky of course but it really isn't the same as being single in your 20's or even 30's.

I have several single, intelligent, nice and attractive friends. Only one has had a significant relationship in the 15 years I've know them! They can't all be "too fussy", they can't all be "loving" being single, well I know they're not as they often say they wish they could meet someone.

It isn't easy and I don't think we should pretend that it is. I've tried OLD on and off, and the (sometimes) single men are in roughly three groups:

1. Young men wanting an older woman for sex
2. Older men who haven't "achieved" ie they're living in a bedsit on minimum wage and aspire to be "cocklodgers"
3. The tiny third group are decent looking men with a decent career. But they want a woman 10 years younger because they feel they deserve it for being a "good catch".

Being older and trying to meet someone decent of your own age is damn tough. Lets not try and pretend it isn't.

Fizzy Full head of hair rather than loads of hair, please. Otherwise people might think I a) have a 1980s mullet; or b) I'm hairy like a hobbit all over. Neither is true.

user1490607838

Bravo for your long post. It was The Truth!

Hmm I’m not sure what I think aboht it all really.

I met dh on plenty of fish. He was 22 and living at home again having dropped out of uni. He was working full time in a retail job having decided uni wasn’t for him (that didn’t bother me at all). I was 30, divorced, one dd aged 6 at the time. I just fancied him, liked his chat, we went on a date and boom job done (well not THAT job done on the first date but I mean we just clicked). Together nearly 10 years now, very happy, one child together, I’m a sahm having given up my marketing career which I hated and his career is taking off leaps and bounds. I owned my own home outright when we met, he moved in with me and we remortgaged for half (which he pays, he is on the deeds jointly with me) and we extended and improved the house. It works for us, we are happy.

I personally wouldn’t have wanted someone older than me when I was looking. Yep I know I’m probably the “man” people are talking about on here despite being a woman. I didn’t want someone with the same baggage / background as me - one difficult ex is enough! I didn’t want someone with children, I didn’t want someone who was sceptical about romance and falling in love and so many older people are. I wanted to meet someone on the starting point of the whole journey.

If dh and I split up tomorrow - and I would hope that would never happen- there is no way I would look for men my own age even now at 40. I’d be looking for men mid twenties to early 30s. I just don’t think I could fancy anyone older than me. I’m very fit physically, I exercise 4-5 times a week, I keep myself “young” mentally and fashion wise. I really don’t think I would even have much in common with a man of 50 etc.

But ... we are all different. That’s the joy of dating. My mum is 70 and online dates. She has had a few nice boyfriends. They didn’t think she was too old!

Blimey Maryz I only nipped out to drop DH at the station and come back to find you’ve arranged my extra curriculars.

Not sure I can fit adultery in this week

Interesting that a lot of the people commenting on the thread are coupled up (albeit with one on their way out of the door). Reminds me a while back I was lamenting my single status to a female friend who said "I loved being single, best time of my life, make the most of it!" So I replied "When are you leaving your husband then, if being single was the best time of your life?"

Went a bit quiet for a while but then she held her hands up and she said "Yeah, that was pretty fucking insensitive of me to say and not true, really. Yes I had some great times but some bloody lonely ones too and of course I wouldn't want to go back to that. I'm sorry; some of us do tend to be all smug married and forget."

I read above the lady who was asked "Can you cook?"

She got off lightly.

On POF one man's initial meeting to me was "Do you do an*l".

Except he didn't use the asterisk.

I replied with a furious rant about how inappropriate it is for men to approach women like that, and no wonder he was single etc. He wrote back saying "what's the point of all that boring getting to know one another, going out on dates, etc," if the woman was never going to give him what, to him, was "a deal breaker".

What a charmer. Not.

*meeting - I meant MESSAGE.

We all have friends or siblings who are unhappily single Shat. It’s a generational thing that you see around you post forty and a bit of a puzzle.

Besides, at least one married person on the thread has been quite clear about wanting to ditch their spouse

@Battleax

I often think I’m the one other friends talk about in hushed tones as being unhappily single using phrases such as “of course she puts on a brave face” and “she must be hurting in side”

I’m tempted to play the part fully

@ShatnersWig, you seem to have a pretty optimistic and happy persona on here, are you not 'happily single'? (Scuse the nosiness).

Oh I’m talking about the two friends who bemoan it loudly. I wouldn’t dare take it upon myself to decide for them if they’re happy or not.

I remember that driving me completely barking mad in the years before I collided with the second Mr Battleax.

I remember that driving me completely barking mad in the years before I collided with the second Mr Battleax

If you’re anything like me you’d get a rousing rendition of “it’ll happen for you” together with a chorus of “never say never”

Sounds familiar.

@shatnerswig I’ll make a pact with you, if you’re still single in another 8 years we’ll go out on a date! As someone who’s just boarded the singles train it might take me 8 years to feel up to another relationship!

Although I’m looking forward to being single for no other reason than not having to put up with another persons shit, I do and did enjoy being part of a couple. It’s quite depressing and scary to think about starting again. I suppose one thing in my favour, the old divorce diet is working a treat and I’m back from a size 14 to a 10 😢

Sorry Shatner, I agree it's easy to be a bit flippant about being single when you aren't. It's like making sarky remarks about people having it easy when they don't have kids without making damn sure you know whether it's by choice or via infertility.

My own situation is that I've never been single as an adult; met dh at 21 just out of university, married two years later, been married for 32 years until 6 months ago when he informed me he had another woman on the side and didn't want to be married any more. So I'm single, but not single (he won't move out, just sees her at weekends, midweek and whenever she's free for a shag it seems).

For me being single is something I'm looking forward to because I want him out. I can't imagine ever having another relationship; this one and how it ended is it for me. I'm done.

I'm 41, single & sadly childless.

Other women tell me I look attractive but I don't think I am because at whether at work, the gym or out in town I just don't EVER get chatted up.

There are plenty of single men at work but there are also plenty of pretty much younger women- for eg our 18 year old employee is constantly being chatted up by older men yet she seems like a child to me.

I also come with baggage - I have schizo affective disorder which I won't be telling any man unless I get a ring on my finger.

I would love to have a baby - I was too unwell in my 30s but I can't cope with a baby alone.

tierra.

I feel hugely grateful that I have my (now adult) children.

Battle But the more I think about it, and I think someone else mentioned it upthread, I'm not sure it is just 40s.

The friend I mentioned earlier was dumped by her boyfriend of 6 years just before her 30th birthday after they been talking about buying a house together. She's now 41. So aside from some first dates and a couple of short lived things, she spent her entire 30s single. I became single just after turning 36. I can think of some others who spent a lot of their 30s single.

I do dispute the oft-repeated fact that more people find their partner through OLD than anything else because personal experience disputes that. Almost everyone I know who has been single for a good while has done OLD on various sites, paid and unpaid. Must be talking several dozen of my friends over the last 10-15 years. I only know of one marriage (and that's been rocky since year three) and one long-term live-in relationship (blissfully happy). No one else has had more than three- to six-months out of it.

I think half the problem is OLD presents a sweet shop mentality. Lots and lots to choose from so you think "he/she is OK but there's plenty more" and so you swipe on and people who you'd probably happily go on a date with if you met them in real life get overlooked.

Oh Maryz what an arse he is. I’m sorry to hear that

Do you want a few of us to come and eject the sorry excuse for a man?

Bloody hell, this is depressing. I am 45 and young kids and trying to get myself in a mental and practical position to leave DH and start over, including training for new career. This thread has made me reconsider that I should not bother and just resign myself to current existence. Especially User12 whatever's post.

I think that's all true.

And also, OLD works on immediate attraction only. I wonder how many people who met partners irl went on physical attraction only, and how many made decisions based on common interests, personalities, friends, backgrounds, lifestyles.

Old fashioned dating agencies at least attempted to look at those things, the newer, online stuff has only one parameter; physical appearance. Ruling out the 90% of us who aren't aesthetically pleasing

Thanks, Battle. Yes he's an arse, but he isn't moving, and legally I can't make him, apparently, but that's a whole other thread.

I found OLD horrible anyway shatner. Really soulless. I’d never go near it again, should I be back on the market. I suppose it’s just too transactional for the really good chemistry to have a chance.

And also, OLD works on immediate attraction only. I wonder how many people who met partners irl went on physical attraction only, and how many made decisions based on common interests, personalities, friends, backgrounds, lifestyles.

X post. Yes exactly that.

Well anyway, Shatner we’ll make you the first guinea pig of MNOLD, which will be better and at least be a diversion for everyone. Not least you.

Just sit up straight and try not to say “chuff” again