To despair at how helpless some people are

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

You see it on here all the time, poster says they’re in a difficult situation and lots of people respond with sensible advice and details of organisations they can call for help and there’s always a reason why they can’t ask for help.

I saw a job at a local hair salon advertised on Facebook, 1 person posted “interested” underneath so the salon owner responds with their contact details (that were in the ad) and asks for a cv and the person responds “I don’t have a cv, nevermind” or someone else put on my local Facebook group saying she was new to the area and asking if there were any new mums in the local area, so I responded that there was a lovely, free mum and baby group in her village the next day and I knew the organiser so if she wanted to go along I’d make sure she got a warm welcome, and the response was “I can’t go to a baby group, what if none of the other mums speak to me”

Some people just seem as if the world owes them something and they should get what they want without putting in any effort.

A few of the women in my office can’t believe I pay for my own car and put my own petrol in it. My husband doesn’t drive, who else is going to do it?!

@thankyouverymuch how far from Solihull are we talking?

Agreed. It's apathy on a frightening scale.

I really think social awkwardness and, to an extent, anxiety are barriers to hide behind. I am very conscious that I'm socially inept. I still need to pay my mortgage. I still put myself forward then I cringe about it for years

God.

This reminds me of the time a friend turned up to coffee with the party invitation I'd issued for her son a week earlier.

The (very well know locally) name of the venue was on there, the street, the area of our town but not the actual postcode.

She produced the invite and said "can you just add the postcode on here for me please?"

I took out my phone. Googled it for her (in 1 second) wrote it on the invite and handed it back to her.

I'm still gobsmacked that she went to the effort of remembering to bring it along with her a week later to ASK me that question and make me write it on the invite for her.

I see this on a local Facebook group -

- how much does it cost to change flights with jet2?
- fcking google it

- what time does x school start?
- google it/check their website

- I need to get to brown street, what bus should I get?
- look at the bus website

People are lazy.

That just reads to me as people wanting some connection with others. I've posted things on MN that I could Google but sometimes it feels good to "chat" with an actual person.

I work in a university and we get parents ringing in their kids behalf about something then get stripey when we say we can't discuss anything with them due to data protection.

I'm very capable and confident, but I find that as soon as I can't do any one thing that other people perceive as easy, I get lumped in with the spoilt people who are wilfully useless and have been spoonfed everything their entire lives. Despite my life having been exceptionally hard to the point where I now have multiple disabilities as a result.

So I tend to sympathise with the helpless when it's a single incident or there's any possibility whatsoever that there's an underlying cause.

And it is up to the other party/parties to keep an open mind about that. My autism, for example, was undiagnosed for decades, but before diagnosis, back when I had no idea why I found some "simple" things so difficult, I was no less autistic, and had no less of a valid reason. The same would apply with any disability/neurodivergence, and they are very, very common.

And of course it's fine to not hire someone, or not pursue a friendship/relationship with someone, because they find specific things that are needed for it difficult, whatever the reason. It's only discriminatory [ethically, I don't know about legality in relation to employment] if the task is not actually necessary to do the job or if you're assuming someone won't be able to do it based on a diagnosis rather than on their record so far.

So I reserve judgement on people's helplessness until a) I've seen enough of their behaviour to know it's a very frequent thing with them b) they've shown that they really don't care about the effects of it on other people and c) I am absolutely sure they're indulging in it or doing it on purpose. And getting to the stage where I'm certain of those things is fairly rare.

Some people really are entitled dicks who expect others to do everything for them. But with such people, their "helplessness" is usually the least of your worries, because they'll turn aggressive and/or manipulative at the drop of a hat, engage in dishonesty, theft, anything like that. Because they have no integrity. I save my real negative feelings for them.

@Stephisaur it’s about a 45 minute drive

It's learned helplessness. It can be hard to shake off once the habit has set in. I'm sure the reasons for it are varied, and not just overbearing parents in all cases.

I'm trying to shake it as best as I can. For me some of it definitely comes from a mother who was always overly eager to manage my affairs when I was young, even though I did try moving out when I was 16, and moved into a different country at 19. But I had a major psychiatric break down soon after university, and my husband had to take on a larger role in many things in our lives, so in some aspects I didn't end up learning many adult skills I should have when I should have. I'm fighting it, though. It's certainly not an assumption that the world or anyone in it owes me anything. It's a habit born out from anxiety, and the urge to take the easy way out and have someone else deal with it. I'm very ashamed of it, but no one else can change it but me.

Yes some people may be helpless or lazy or think the world owes them a living.

I have spent all of my life feeling useless compared to other people, and unable to do things other people find easy. It all clicked into place when I went to the GP for help with depression and anxiety. I have felt anxious as long as I can remember, but at one point my anxiety was out of control. It is a type of learned helplessness sometimes.

Argh my sister is like this. It's like she wants to complain about having problems so much that she doesn't actually want to fix them because then she'll have nothing to complain about

This is how my anxiety and depression can manifest itself. It’s not a case of not wanting to fix problems, it feels so totally overwhelming and impossible to even know where to begin. Sometimes you just feel stuck and unable to do anything at all.

Again, so many replies that show a complete lack of understanding for other people's circumstances.

Of course some people are just lazy or apathetic, but a huge number of people just cannot bring themselves to do something that might cause them upset or embarrassment.

Finding something hard but doing it anyway is not the same as feeling crushing anxiety that stops you even picking up the phone, or that results in you shaking so badly you can't dial a phone number. It's not the same as being too utterly terrified to leave your house, or to speak to a stranger in the street.

Again, just because you find something hard and do it anyway, doesn't mean that applies to everyone else.

Whether helicopter/controlling parenting is more common now and whether it's producing adults of the last type - or with mental health problems, for that matter - is an interesting subject though.

It's just that you can't assume that that's what's going on with someone; you need more information to be able to make that call. And people who get all "kids today" about it, ignoring the many young people who have very very difficult lives, are a disgrace.

It is exasperating, but in a way I sympathize with people who struggle with day to day life.

Small stuff can be daunting

Just ignore them or be helpful, depending on your mood

It's like she wants to complain about having problems so much that she doesn't actually want to fix them because then she'll have nothing to complain about

Or maybe she's so overwhelmed that she doesn't know where to begin? Maybe she struggles so much that even doing something really simple (like perhaps making an appointment or fixing a tap) is too much to contemplate because there's so much else she needs to do?

I also sold an expensive teak picnic bench on ebay. I was amazed how much it went for - almost as much as we paid for it. The buyer (a veterinary surgeon) then waged a war of emails on me saying they could have bought a new one for practically the same price. Well YOU bid on it you imbecile!!

@adaline
is your username anything to do with my favourite book, I wonder.

I think OP is talking about people with no extenuating circumstances, I have raging anxiety as well. But I don't ask others to do things like google postcodes for me.

I'd be at the Taylor Swift concert tonight if I had better mental health! But this has nothing to do with someone asking about a job and then saying "I don't have a CV" or a parent calling a recruiter for their child with no extenuating circumstances.

This is interesting. I’ve long been puzzled by these feeble people.
But I’ve never been able to work out why they are so feeble. So the theories are:

• these people are deliberately trying to get out of doing anything
• they were spoon-fed as children, so have never learned how to anything for themselves
• they have problems with confidence and /or anxiety or similar

I have a friend who is a SAHM to teenage DCs. She is always ‘stressed.’. As far as I can see her DH does almost everything. She spends most of her time running after her ungrateful DCs and treats them like babies. I think she is in the spoon-fed category because that is what she is doing with hers.

It's called learned helplessness.

The interesting thing is what happens when you front them out by ignoring the silly requests.

I worked with a graduate who said she didn't know how to use a coffee pot because she was 'from Manchester'. She hasn't gone far.

Wow, I can’t believe that parents actually apply for jobs on their adult children’s behalf?? How could anyone ever think that’s ok, it sounds like the plot of a bad sitcom! Its how Carol Vordemann got her countdown job!

Ive had my mum overstep boundaries occasionally when I was in my 20s and it was fucking mortifying.

"It is exasperating, but in a way I sympathize with people who struggle with day to day life"

Yes, I struggle too....but this is not what op means, I think?

I don't think the criticism in this post is directed at anyone with a disability or mental illness of any form that would make things difficult. Clearly that's completely different and of course allowances need to be made.

Looking back at the OP's examples eg "please send me your CV" / "I don't have one, never mind"... I think it's safe to say we're talking about examples of fecklessness rather than serious anxiety.

@wispa I understand wanting human connection, but surely it's better to just start a chatty/conversational type thread in the f book group than expecting others to answer something you could easily check yourself?

I know one young lady like this. She is constantly on FB, on the local page, asking if there are any jobs going. She gets told there are, in the areas biggest employers and she states 'Oh no, anywhere but there'. She has had jobs in the past but have them up, or they gave her up because she seemed unable to get up in the mornings to attend!

She was moaning to me a while ago about being skint. I told her I would have money at the end of the week and needed some help with my house. She could come up when she wanted and I would pay her. She, the person with no job or other responsibilities, told me she would see if she had time. Did not bother coming at all, which was fine, then a couple of weeks later messaged me asking if I could lend her some money! Um, no!

A new big bit of research has shown that helicopter parents often damage their DC's mental health through over-protection.

Emotional growth stalls; no resilience is developed, and the child remains unregulated, a disaster for mental health.

Would like to know if this is fixable if any experts are hovering.

@lulu12345 exactly, it’s the people who ask for something but then don’t want to do the very normal thing that you have to do to achieve your goal.

I can sympathise with people who’ve got anxiety or other conditions but they’re not generally saying I want to apply for a job but I’m not prepared to give you any information about my qualifications or previous experience.