To despair at how helpless some people are

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

You see it on here all the time, poster says they’re in a difficult situation and lots of people respond with sensible advice and details of organisations they can call for help and there’s always a reason why they can’t ask for help.

I saw a job at a local hair salon advertised on Facebook, 1 person posted “interested” underneath so the salon owner responds with their contact details (that were in the ad) and asks for a cv and the person responds “I don’t have a cv, nevermind” or someone else put on my local Facebook group saying she was new to the area and asking if there were any new mums in the local area, so I responded that there was a lovely, free mum and baby group in her village the next day and I knew the organiser so if she wanted to go along I’d make sure she got a warm welcome, and the response was “I can’t go to a baby group, what if none of the other mums speak to me”

Some people just seem as if the world owes them something and they should get what they want without putting in any effort.

[Birdsgottafly]

"and was the first in her family to do anything similar."

Exactly, she was the first, not the norm.

"My grandmother had a husband away at war and then working and no mother or father in sight bringing up her family and 6 brothers with no guidance"

Women were bought up to do what your Grandmother did and she would have had support from others in the same position etc. The work might have been harder, in some ways, but it was simpler.

"i hate going into new things or groups of people but I suck it up and give it a shot"

But some can't. All I'm saying is some people say it's a generational thing, it isn't. There are lots of reasons, but it can be a lack of self worth/confidence.

[Brunsdon1]

I do understand honestly but I think one of the points I'm making is isn't being an adult finding a way to get past that?

I honestly do have compassion for those that find it hard, I just struggle with the point that it's ok to give up without trying

DC's school friends parties terrify me , I feel really uncomfortable but I can't just say I can't do it...it would really affect them if they never went to birthday parties...so I have to find a way around it

That might not be the best example but hopefully it shows what I mean

I honestly don't take it lightly and am by no means saying it is easy ...more that we have the do these things as part of being an adult

[Brunsdon1]

And actually having thought about it I concede on the generational point

Because to be fair I've been taught to figure things out, go after what you want...i actually do take your point if your previous generations didn't teach you that it makes it a lot harder

Hmm makes me appreciate my upbringing a bit more

[RedSaidBread]

Eww I know someone like this. She's in her 60's but puts on this girlish sort of persona. Claims she can't do a range of things from driving herself to cooking or cleaning. Also has a range of near constant 'illnesses' that seem to vanish the minute she finds a new 'condition.' She also does this wide-eyed doe-eyed thing with a girly giggle a lot..reminds me a tad of that Princess Di Panorama interview. She definitely puts on this air of 'helpless girl.' I find it really creepy and annoying. She's not at all helpless when she wants to do something though. Then it gets done.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

This actually does my box in. Yes, there are some people with real issues, but there are so many more who just don't want to do anything for themselves.
I'm a vet, and I see so many parents phoning in to tell me their son/daughter wants to be a vet and trying to arrange their work experience - I arranged all mine myself and if these kids are keen they will do likewise! I want (and the course needs) a bit of gumption from them!
Also people who come to me for advice, but they can't possibly give tablets (although they've never tried), can't change their dogs diet (although they've never tried) just want a magic wand waved!
My 14 yo is very independent, because I've taught her to be that way. I support my kids, but encourage them to be their own people and do things for themselves. They have chores, responsibility for their own money through the week and will make their own decisions in life.
I am a forces wife, and so I can do most things on my own. I hope I'm providing a role model for my dc. I do find it hard to deal with people who can't do anything for themselves. I know some people might think I'm harsh, but in life No one is going to pick up your shit, no point teaching them otherwise

[HardSteel]

I was overburdened in childhood, not cared for in the way I cared for my children. Immature and selfish FOMO parents who had peers with children, they wanted me to parent myself, them and my younger siblings.

I worked from 16, chose to be a young parent, lone parent for the second half, 24/365, zero help and I am chronically ill.

I got my children into adulthood and now do Fuck all, I am worn out.

I regressed. Nobody took over. I just didn't want to be a responsible adult, I want to be the child I never got an opportunity to be. It was nice to regress to not be an adult and not giving a Fuck about all the things that once mattered so much.

[LighthouseSouth]

HardSteel, you are so not the type op is talking about.

[igotdemons]

I see this a lot in my family - my DBro is in his forties and lives at home with my DM. She loves having him there and he seems to love being there too. He has no social life, doesn’t go anywhere or do anything (except ‘work’ from home) and my DM doesn’t encourage him to either! Their home is rented too so when she dies, he will be homeless (he is not on the tenancy) and despite her knowing (and worrying) about this, she does nothing to encourage him to get his own place whilst she is still alive 🙄 I also have another sibling who has been married for over 25 years and between them and their partner, they are completely useless at doing anything practical around the house (DIY, gardening etc.)! Instead of encouraging them to try and help themselves by doing things and learning if they got it wrong, my DM just happily ordered my DDad round there to do it for them! 😧 I find it incredible that a couple both in their 50s still have to ask a family member to pop round to put a curtain track up for them! 😧 All because they couldn’t be bothered to learn to do something and just expected/relied on my DDad to do it instead. Their kids have grown up just the same too, so goodness knows who they will be relying on for practical help in the future when they have their own places! I despair I really do... 🙄

[Raven88]

I have a friend like that. She always looks to other people to do things for her but she has a very over bearing mum. It's frustrating.

I was brought up by a working single mum. she taught me to stand on my own two feet and watching the fight she had in her to keep going, when she had nothing left was inspiring and that has made me want to be like her. I was also given confidence in my abilities at a women. so when it came time to find my own way in the world I had a skill set and passion to make a life that I wanted.

I think some people need to be shoved into the real world and then they will stop being helpless.

[HardSteel]

LighthouseSouth

I can see why people are attracted to helplessness, life is easier, you can please yourself and be selfish.

I guess I now experiences of a man who doesn't pull his weight in marriage.

I will grow up again. What helplessness people don't benefit from is the increased self-esteem and satisfaction.

[HardSteel]

I guess I am now experiencing the life of a man who doesn't pull his weight in marriage.

[ICJump]

Wispalhat just reads to me as people wanting some connection with others.
That is such a good point. My anxiety and depression is high I can Facebook for days but struggling being by myself in public. I have had a few occasions where I’ve felt terrified of being in public by myself.

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

I think social media has had a big part in enabling the general helplessness. I realised that my ds (10) could "talk" to people on his Xbox but was starting to struggle with face to face communication, so we addressed that, and he has gotten so much better. Facebook and it's like has become the default setting, but it isn't REAL. People are losing the ability to communicate in real ways

[MouseholeCat]

The helplessness around gendered tasks makes me laugh- I've always done "male" tasks, but have been held to account for it many times. It's sometimes like people want you to maintain helplessness lest it undermines their identity.

Last autumn I went to rake leaves on PIL's lawn as I wanted some exercise and it was a beautiful day. BIL was aghast and immediately ran out with the leaf vacuum (that's a thing in America...) and made a huge thing about my method being illogical.

Today I went to buy cat litter and was lifting a 40lb box off of the self onto my trolley whilst DH went to look at something else- I'm perfectly capable of doing this, yet immediately a man swooped in to help.

[agnurse]

Sadly I have heard of people applying for jobs for their children. I have also heard of universities having "parent orientation". Good grief, when I started university I did everything myself! Now, when two of my brothers started my parents did take them out to campus and help them with a few things (getting a credit card and cell phone, plus their textbooks) but that was because my brothers did not have vehicles so would have had to carry all their books back to their dorm, and they had not yet reached the age of majority in the jurisdiction so my parents had to co-sign for the credit card and cell phone. (My brothers were very responsible with their finances.) I have actually seen parents taking their children to the cash office to write the checks for their tuition. Again, I wrote my own checks and brought myself there. It's not rocket science. The only thing my parents did was to drive me out to the university to fill out an application and check on the status of my application. This was only because I couldn't drive yet and had no way to get there (we lived in another community and there's no bus service out there). There were a couple of times my mom did register me online for my classes, but again, that was because I had a limited time window to do that, it had to be done on the computer, and I was busy at the time. (This was the time before smartphones.) I gave her the list of classes and sections and all she had to do was go online and register me.

In our house, we have a rule. If you want to do something, and you could probably do it for yourself, you have to give it one good try. If you can't do it, then you may ask for help. (If it's something you obviously can't do you may ask for help right off the bat. For example, when DSD was little she couldn't lift a full gallon milk jug as it was too heavy. She had to ask if she wanted milk.) Filling out your own CV and going to a job interview qualifies as something you need to do for yourself. I would be happy to look over a CV and/or keep my eyes open for job opportunities, but DSD would need to take initiative to apply.

[blackheartsgirl]

My ex had a terrible childhood, emotionally and physically abused by his mu and grandparents and neglected he never learnt any coping mechanisms or how to adult. As a result he is incapable of doing anything, cannot write a cv, drive, can't research things, won't help himself.

Earlier he bombarded me with messenger texts well gifs actually stating he needed food like a fucking baby. Won't budget,me search food banks, won't do anything to help himself.

So glad I kicked him out

[Elasticity]

Lots of ladies are seemingly helpless when it comes to 'man' tasks e.g. flat pack furniture, mowing the lawn, filling the car, carrying shopping bags.

It's pathetic. My mum was a single mum and did more or less everything on her own - occasional help from my grandad e.g. tile grouting.

Why are so many women like this?

[Biologifemini]

I think this is due to being dragged up and neglected as a child.
Many people suffer because their parents were incompetent.
It is a ‘patient mentality’ so once you are sick you don’t have to do anything, because you ‘cannot’ do anything.
It is like being unable to drive: my dad really pushed me to be confident and learn to drive. If you don’t have parents willing to do that then it is normal to be anxious.
This is why bringing up confident children is so important. Otherwise that will because anxious and unable to do things independently and you will be babysitting indefinitely.

[WispaIsSurprisinglyGood]

Why are so many women like this?

It's a good question. I certainly did not have helicopter parents. I very much fended for myself. Relocated to a different country late teens.

But I am someone who had to call my husband in a panic because I nearly ran out of petrol and had to fill the car up. I don't know how I became so "helpless" or anxious over certain tasks. (And yes like many as a single parent now there isn't much I can't tackle).

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I definitely agree that if you're brought up (or not brought up) without being taught basics, it can be very hard to get past that. But it doesn't make it less frustrating for others or less damaging for you. My DP's sister and brother are both mid-30s and still live at home. They have no disabilities and could certainly afford to move out, but they cannot cook and do not understand how to rent a house. It is a genuine worry. I honestly do not know what will happen to them when their parents die or become incapable. My own dad will be lost if my mum dies before him, because he can't cook and won't learn, and again, it frustrates and worries me.

When I first met my DP I was shocked that her mother, who is disabled and struggles to move around, was making everyone tea with neither of her adult, resident children lifting a finger. Now I've seen her try to do that immediately post-op with a hip replacement. It is absolutely barking mad.

[tomatosalt]

I have been a bit helpless before in certain situations (especially social ones) and I think it was due more to lack of parental example and confidence rather than helicopter parenting.
My DM (who I love and cherish very much) has a serious case of victim mentality so until my late twenties I didn’t really place much emphasis on taking responsibility for myself.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

As a child I was expected to be my mother’s emotional crutch. And my father treated me and expected me to be the incompetent baby of the family. Tbh I took the latter role on with relish as it was the only crumb of care and love I felt. My mother bullied me a fair amount and let my brother treat me dreadfully. Yet she decided that I should do no work around the house as I’d be doing it a long time when I moved out.

As a result, I was all round severely emotionally stunted and lacked the skills to be an adult. My situation is more extreme than many admittedly but I think the parental mentality of wrapping your child in cotton wool and not recognising as a parent that you are raising a future adult is common.

In consequence of my upbringing I suffered a great deal in my 20’s and 30’s and had a lot of social anxiety. I used to beat myself up about the slightest thing a great deal. This was my mother’s voice installed inside my head. I’ve now had extensive therapy and am basically cured of many of my former failings, which were taught to me as a child.

As pps have said, helicopter parenting has a lot to answer for imo.

[hellokittymania]

My case is a little bit different, because I do have special needs, but I know people who have less or needs than I do and they don't cope as well. Or they don't know what to do, or how to ask people for help when they really do need it. I love this place, just because if I really don't know something, I can ask and somebody will reply.

[imsoboredwithitall]

Yes I agree

[SugarIsAmazing]

There was a post on Facebook the other day advertising a course for a masters degree in mental health studies. There was lots of information and a link to further click and apply.
Bearing in mind that this was a level seven course most of the replies were:

• "Can I enrol?"
  
• " I'd love 2 do this cos I've got depression."
  
• "Interested."
  
• "Do you need GCSEs?"
  
• "I have mental health, can I do the course?"
  

I just wanted to scream at them all "read the information and click the link to see the criteria you morons!".

And sorry, but I do think anxiety seems to be the go to excuse nowadays.