Am I crazy or should I be worried?

[flydojd]

I can't actually believe I am writing this, I've been with my fiance for eight years and always trusted him. We've had our problems, but I've never thought he would cheat or anything like that.

He has a rather unusual hobby (can't say what it is as it's so unsual it would be outing), which takes up 2-3 weekends a month. Sometimes he has to travel around the country for it, which means he's away for the whole weekend. This used to be rare, but now it's happening more and more often.

This weekend he's away. He left very early in the morning, and he's staying overnight in a Travelodge (he says). He says he's staying in the same room with a man who also does this hobby. What's really odd is the Travelodge is only 15 miles away. He said he's staying over as there's no point coming back for the night, but the hobby activities finished at about 4pm.

I'm finding this really, really odd, and confronted him about why he's staying at the hotel. He said it's easier for everyone, but I just don't get it?

Wow, maybe I sound crazy. I think this is more of a problem because our sex life has been very infrequent over the last year (once a month or so). I don't even know what I think he's doing, I just think it's odd he's staying at the hotel and questioning everything. Am I insane? Should I push this further with him?

Go to the event and give him a cheery wave. You’ll know from his reaction whether you want to stay with him or leave him.

I think the hobby is something like kite surfing. (Lot of it near us and people come for miles)
There are three options as far as I can see:

1. He’s gay, this bloke is a lover
2. He’s not gay, but this guy is a girl hence you know nothing about her and have not met.
3. Neither of the above but he’s just not that into you, the secrecy, they inability to explain weirdness, the option to come home yet stay at a hotel, the fact this hobby means a lot to him but he’s never invited you along to ‘watch’ all not the marks of a healthy relationship .

Some seriously crazy suggestions on this thread. Some people sound genuinely unhinged. Hope it works out for the best OP

This is weird. If they are not going drinking and it finishes at 4 what are they going to be doing all evening?

I've never known two men choosing to share a travel lodge room when they finish at 4 pm and one of them only lives 15 miles away and they've no night out planned. You'd just go home. There is literally no reason to stay.

Very strange.

Ok so regardless of whether or not he is up to something you aren't very happy with his behaviour and you need to speak to him.

If the whole group of them are sleeping in a hotel maybe there having night out etc and he just wanted to not miss out. However doing it 3 weekend a month isn't fair.

But sometimes your instincts just tell you something is not right and you won't feel comfortable until you have done some digging.

Tbh I would turn up at his hobby today to watch and meet him for breakfast at the hotel.

Text him that as it's such a nice day you fancy getting out the house you've missed him so you'll come and meet him for breakfast and come and watch him.

Send that when you are in the travel lodge carpark and see his response and take it from there.

Good luck

Is the event on today as well? As in this is a 2 day event?

I'd find his defensiveness and secretive behaviour upseting. I also find it a little off that after 8 years you don't know the other people in this hobby....you've never met them? Been along to the hobby? Crossed paths?

Regardless of whether he is having an affair or not. I'd be considering my value in this relationship

Sorry, I just can’t get past steak out 😂 that is brilliant!

Sometimes travel lodges are really cheap, we got one for our work Xmas do, it was £35 for the night, train would've been about the same for the two of us, instead we drove and stayed over. If his friend is staying over, he's disabled and doesn't drive it just might be less hassle to stay and about the same cost as doing the journey back and forth two days running, especially if he needs to be back there early in the morning.

Not surprised he wants to stay out for the night. Sounds a bit intense if you're using find friends on him and trying to check his social media. Don't think the full story is here. Any reason you've been engaged 8 years and still not married?

Maybe he just wants to be with his friend, maybe he just wants a night away from home. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you have to be in each other's pockets 24/7.

Please don't take advice such as driving to hotels and calling his friends, you'll just look mad. Just ask him reasonably when he comes home why he chose to do it.

Ha ha, he’s not disabled FASH, he has disabled (turned off) Find Friends in his phone so he can’t be tracked!

I laugh now when I think back to the absolute fucking nonsense reasons my ex used to come up with to stay out all night. The reasons got more and more ridiculous as I accepted them all trustingly. But staying 15 miles from home in a Travelodge takes the bisuit 😂

I'd need to do some investigating. It sounds suspicious but equally he might just want a weekend away with a good mate.

Im glad im not the only one whos not heard of find friends and thought the dh was disabled.
No advice from me but hes taking you for a fool.

Find my friends is a really good tool if you have nothing to hide . Me and dh use it all the time to check we are safe . So if he working late I can crack his progress while he is driving etc save calling him etc .

I think thatif he does a hobby that takes up much of your free time then the least he could do would involve you if possible. Why do you not know these people he spends all this time with. This is thebit thatis disrespectful. If you knew who they were you would know if his staying over is a fun thing for him or if he is involved with someone.

Something is not quite right here. Talk straight to him. If he can't give you direct honest answers then that is enough to leave him. You do not have to live with distrust.

@araiwa

By insane i mean you listened to the bollocks advised on mn

You can always be relied-on to advise that a man - any man - is as innocent as a newborn babe, despite all pointers in the opposite direction.

Perhaps he just wants to get drunk and have a long lie in without kids waking him up?

I think I'd cut my losses on this relationship.
He prefers to spend most of his free time away from you.
He is secretive with his laptop and goes mad if you touch his phone.
Sex life has dwindled.

You aren't married, you don't have kids - you can do better. I agree with Jessie that he isn't in love with you. He's taking you for granted. People in love want to be together more than they want to be apart.

There could be a reasonable explanation - does the hobby involve an early start the next morning and he doesn't want to disturb you? Is there an evening meal or similar planned? Is the bloke he is sharing with an old pal he's hoping to catch up with?

I agree that being secretive over phone and computer is sometimes a warning sign but not always - I am protective over my electronics because I write a lot of my novel ideas and some scenes on them and I hate for people to read those (so I always want to make sure they're hidden before I let anyone near my phone). There are sometimes totally normal explanations for people being cautious about sharing electronics.

I don't think there's necessarily anything that weird in what's going on from what you've said so far - it's all very explicable. But I undertstand you wanting more of an explanation from your DP, and I think you should reasonably be able to press for one.

Is this all you want from your life and relationship, OP? There doesn't seem to be much in it for you, apart from forty or fifty years stretching ahead of him spending every weekend off on his 'hobby' while you sit at home wondering why he's so protective of his phone.

OneStepSideways What kids?

I would go there to pick him up this morning as a “nice surprise” and wait for him in the outside (before announcing you’re there) to see who he leaves with and how he says goodbye. Looks like a nice thing to do.

Could he plan for a drinking session with his hobby mates? Hence he can't drive home. I know colleagues who do that.

My money's on orienteering or larping.

I feel the hobby is something really strange where people travel from far to go to small meetups so sharing a hotel might not be that strange for some of the people he meets up with. Too weird to share on a mums net thread.. watched a documentary where these people liked dressing up and acting like dog's hahaa it must be weird or really lame not to give full picture. On a serious note I think driving there to pick him up sounds nice but what if he wasn't there he could just say he left early and you'll be in same situation bit with him knowing your onto him. If he is doing something wrong people do slip up and I hope it's just a case of him wanting to spend time with a mate. Being with someone that long couldn't you just be honest with him and say you want to meet these people as thus is important to him and it hurts not to be apart of it.