Am I crazy or should I be worried?

[flydojd]

I can't actually believe I am writing this, I've been with my fiance for eight years and always trusted him. We've had our problems, but I've never thought he would cheat or anything like that.

He has a rather unusual hobby (can't say what it is as it's so unsual it would be outing), which takes up 2-3 weekends a month. Sometimes he has to travel around the country for it, which means he's away for the whole weekend. This used to be rare, but now it's happening more and more often.

This weekend he's away. He left very early in the morning, and he's staying overnight in a Travelodge (he says). He says he's staying in the same room with a man who also does this hobby. What's really odd is the Travelodge is only 15 miles away. He said he's staying over as there's no point coming back for the night, but the hobby activities finished at about 4pm.

I'm finding this really, really odd, and confronted him about why he's staying at the hotel. He said it's easier for everyone, but I just don't get it?

Wow, maybe I sound crazy. I think this is more of a problem because our sex life has been very infrequent over the last year (once a month or so). I don't even know what I think he's doing, I just think it's odd he's staying at the hotel and questioning everything. Am I insane? Should I push this further with him?

He came home on Sunday night. He is sticking to his story and says it was more convenient to stay over. I'm not sure how to keep asking without coming across as a crazy person? He's going to do it again in a few weeks!

I'd book in the same hotel and not tell him. But that's just me.

Suggest you meet him at the hotel for a couples night together....

You really need to take some action OP, this will send you slowly crazy, take back some control

What strikes me is the emotional distance between you. If you asked, he gets defensive; you can’t ask someone who’s supposed to be your nearest and dearest for some reassurance without him getting angry with you? What if you wanted to watch a film or do your CV on his laptop because yours was broken? I’d always be given access to DH’s. I wouldn’t allow “find my friends” on my phone as I am random and stop to day dream and do whimsical things and I would get pissed off with the quizzing or piss taking if I was late or somewhere bizarre although I’d happily offer up the information in my own context and the family has my phone pass code.
Are you happy? Are you close? Does he want to spend time with you? Does he appear fond of you?
An affair is almost an irrelevance if all those other things are lacking.
It sounds like a lonely relationship to me, OP

Why not just ask him outright face to face if he's having a gay relationship with this man? His reaction should tell you everything....

Oh come on.

More convenient than what though?

Maybe he just doesn't want to be at home and won't tell you because he's closed off and unhappy.

The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
Change brings change...

I don’t know how you’ve managed to be so self-controlled and not say anything more to him OP. How did he seem when he got back? How’s everything else in your relationship?

Ring the travelodge or as it’s so close... go there xx

Maybe you could casually drop a story into your conversation about a friend of a friend who had been in a straight relationship but just come out as gay. Watch his reaction carefully.

Or say "I'd love to get to know your friends from xxx hobby better, next time you stay there I'll drive over and have dinner with you!" See what he says....

I don't know anyone in rl who has an "unusual hobby" yet they are ten a penny on MN.

If my dp had been at a "hobby" 15 miles away I would've gone and picked them up after and taken them back next morning. The hotel stay is odd. Very odd.

I doubt the room companion is male.

I think ZigZag's suggestion is absolutely spot-on. Be insistent when he invariably comes up with several 'reasons' why you can't go there. Just keep asking "Why, why, why," (repeatedly, like a toddler would iykwim!). And as all the 'reasons' come out (each one most likely as lame as the preceding one) you say "Well that still doesn't answer the question so I WILL be coming because I can see no reason not to".

At the start of the infrequent sex period of time - did that by any chance coincide with when when his 'I must stay away' and 'I have to do my hobby three weekends out of four' and 'I'm only in the mood for sex once a month' policy came into force - might be worth looking back and remembering the timing of some of it.

To me, sex once a month and him with you just one weekend a month smacks of a mindset from him of 'just enough to keep her sweet' possibly?? And there will be a reason for that.

@BitOutOfPractice

I don't know anyone in rl who has an "unusual hobby" yet they are ten a penny on MN.

I shouldn't laugh, but couldn't help it. 😁

With the benefit of hindsight I remember several times when I decided at the last minute that I was being silly to stay at home, and should just pack up the kids and go with DH on his jaunt. Cue hours locked in another room 'making arrangements'. I was so dumb!

Don't give him any warning that that's what you're planning. Tell him at the last minute. If he says it won't work because his 'friend' will be left room-less, point out that you've booked a separate room which his friend can have. I'd book the room as soon as you hear about the weekend, then turn up unexpectedly at 4.30 in the bar. It never occurred to me to do that, but that was because I wasn't on MN reaping the benefit of others sad experience. :(

Just ask him outright if he is unhappy with the relationship. Why spend years in a sham if both are not happy.

Juells it's true. My friends' hobbies are things like running or tennis or crafting or football or film or what have you. Yet everyone on MN is doing stuff that's so niche it's outing to even mention it. I have no idea what it can be? Greco-Roman Origami? Freestyle Nose Picking? Who knows eh?

I don't understand why you think it would be weird to say 'hang on a minute mate, you're away more weekends than you're home, you're secretive and you're staying out when there's always no need, wtf do you take me for?!'
Seriously why are you even worried about confronting this? It IS weird behaviour on his part, just question it.

BitOutOfPractice
I don't know anyone in rl who has an "unusual hobby" yet they are ten a penny on MN

Absolutely but the boring thing is it usually turns out to be cycling - not sure why the OPs are so coy about their other halves cycling. In this case I can't imagine what it is.

OP can you give us a tiny clue?

Also are you still intending to marry this man with the unusual hobby who spends virtually no time with you, especially at weekends, sex is as rare as hens' teeth, ie once a month and he guards his phone and laptop with his life? Whatever the reason for all of that he sounds as if he is extremely selfish. Marriage will not transform him into a model husband, it's just likely to get worse.

You are right silvery. It really often is cycling. It's disappointing really. If it were interpretive raffiawork or grunge harpsichord playing then at least I could understand the secrecy.

I particularly like the idea of grunge harpsichord or what about synchronized toenail picking

Doesn’t sound like much of a relationship regardless of any suspicion TBH

I wouldn't marry someone if they were choosing to be away from me almost every weekend and we only had sex once a month, to be honest.