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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I crazy or should I be worried?

301 replies

flydojd · 23/06/2018 17:51

I can't actually believe I am writing this, I've been with my fiance for eight years and always trusted him. We've had our problems, but I've never thought he would cheat or anything like that.

He has a rather unusual hobby (can't say what it is as it's so unsual it would be outing), which takes up 2-3 weekends a month. Sometimes he has to travel around the country for it, which means he's away for the whole weekend. This used to be rare, but now it's happening more and more often.

This weekend he's away. He left very early in the morning, and he's staying overnight in a Travelodge (he says). He says he's staying in the same room with a man who also does this hobby. What's really odd is the Travelodge is only 15 miles away. He said he's staying over as there's no point coming back for the night, but the hobby activities finished at about 4pm.

I'm finding this really, really odd, and confronted him about why he's staying at the hotel. He said it's easier for everyone, but I just don't get it?

Wow, maybe I sound crazy. I think this is more of a problem because our sex life has been very infrequent over the last year (once a month or so). I don't even know what I think he's doing, I just think it's odd he's staying at the hotel and questioning everything. Am I insane? Should I push this further with him?

OP posts:
seafret · 23/06/2018 21:26

Obviously this has sadly become some people's Saturday night entertainment, but it is real to the OP and his behaviour it wouldn't sit right with me either.

He doesn't have to be cheating, but it is not the behaviour of a someone in a happy and committed relationship/ Why the secretiveness? He is having a single life but with presumably some perks of being married. Whatever it is, something is up and yes I would press him on it OP Flowers You deserve a life that meets your needs, not jsut his and he needs to be more honest with you.

LilQueenie · 23/06/2018 21:36

I think you need to talk to him. things changed after 2 years and nothing has been mentioned? If he is up to something he will think you area walkover at this point. No matter what you need to say something.

flydojd · 23/06/2018 21:50

@HollowTalk he refers to this friend using a nickname and I don't know what his real name is. There are a few of them in this hobby group, they all have silly nicknames and I get confused as I've never actually met them.

As for what I'm going to do, I'm not going to drive to the Travelodge as I don't think it will achieve anything. He doesn't have a car, I don't know the room, and I think I would just look insane. I'll have to speak with him when he gets back, but he always gets very defensive. I don't think I would know for sure unless I get on his computer but it's password protected so I don't see how I can...

OP posts:
Zucker · 23/06/2018 21:52

You don't trust him anymore OP, that's the bigger issue here. Can you live another 8 years of this?

Sunnymeadowrise · 23/06/2018 21:54

Do you know for certain that the sport is happening at that hotel today?

GoodGirlsGuide · 23/06/2018 21:57

Could you ring the travel lodge and ask to speak to Mr so and so? They will trf you to the room and you can hang up..? At least you’d know if he was actually there or not?

Inbedbyeight · 23/06/2018 22:01

I would find out the name of the guy he is supposed to be staying with, add him on Facebook messager and send him a message along the lines of ‘sorry to bother you , I cant seem to get hold of _ and I assumed he was with you (don’t say that your fiancé told you he was with him for a fact as alarm bells may go off and he will cover for his friend or contact him) and I was hoping if you are with him you could ask him to check his phone? It’s important’. His answer will tell all.

2up2manydown · 23/06/2018 22:06

This reply has been deleted

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ChocoholicsAsylum · 23/06/2018 22:08

The point is hiding his computer and phone away from you and needing passwords is deffo off and also not telling you who he is with etc? Nah its not on OP! You deserve alot more than this and I personally would be saying to him to be honest and tell you who he is with even invite you along to see - shouldnt be a problem?
If he wants to start his shite and get all defensive ask if shoe was in other foot, would it make sense? Not knowing the name of someone he is claiming to share a room with!?

Also told you take the laptop to a unlocking shop... they will have it in an hour!

flydojd · 23/06/2018 22:10

@Sunnymeadowrise the hobby is happening nearby. I've googled it and that rings true.

@2up2manydown I've namechanged

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 23/06/2018 22:19

Just split up. You dont trusted him. Whether hes doing anything wrong or not is irrelevant when the trusts gone.

Why can you not just call him and ask if they are having a good night and say "ask (his friends name) and make up a question like does his wife enjoy the peace when hes gone" or anything just to see if he asks him and you hear his voice. Although he could be cheating with him. Who knows.

Lundi · 23/06/2018 22:28

I don't think the hotel is that fishy, but getting defensive when questioned and being weird about his phone is...

EstuaryBird · 23/06/2018 22:31

Just phone up the Travelodge and ask to speak to him. Tell him that you tried his mobile but it wouldn't connect and you were worried.
I doubt he'd have told you that he was staying there if he wasn't, far too easy to check up on him.

Honeyroar · 23/06/2018 23:36

You don't get a phone in your room in a Travelodge.

MipMipMip · 24/06/2018 00:21

I've decided the unusual outdoor sport is quidditch. I've also seen keeping suggested. And more ideas?

I realise this is no help whatsoever to the OP, unless it gives her a grin.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/06/2018 00:33

All of this aside, your DP is away for three weekends a month.. I couldn't deal with such a half arsed relationship. Spending 75% of your weekends alone?! No thanks.

overnightangel · 24/06/2018 00:36

People wanting someone drawn and quartered despite only skim reading shocker

Ilovemypantry · 24/06/2018 00:38

Sorry but I really need to know what the hobby is 🤔

Daddystepdaddy · 24/06/2018 00:46

He doesn't have a car. How would he have travelled back? Is public transport any good there? Does he have a lift?

15 miles in your car is nothing, 15 miles if you don't have one and public transport is sketchy is a different matter.

BewareOfDragons · 24/06/2018 01:14

You don't trust him. Your instincts are telling you not to trust him.

You need to have a long, honest talk with him: tell him you don't trust him anymore and why (secretive, jumpy, behaviour changes over the lst 2-3 years, etc etc). See what he says. If he gets defensive or refuses to talk, I think you'll know he's not really there any more.... If he actually talks to you, then you can decide if it's not too late to try to fix your relationship.

It does sound like you are pretty much on your own anyway at weekends if he's gone for most of them...

DiegoMadonna · 24/06/2018 02:20

15 miles in your car is nothing, 15 miles if you don't have one and public transport is sketchy is a different matter.

Surely 15 miles in an uber costs about the same as a night in a travelodge? But with the added bonus that you get to sleep in your own bed with your wife.

dundermiflin · 24/06/2018 04:30

The hotel thing is suspicious, but I think the weirdest thing in all this is how secretive he is with social media and phone etc. When someone is that defensive and secretive you can guarantee there's a dodgy reason.

bubbles108 · 24/06/2018 05:43

He's also disabled Find Friends.

Confused
flumpybear · 24/06/2018 06:28

Sounds a bit fishy to me

honeyishrunkthekid · 24/06/2018 06:40

All these unusual hobbies. Are you going to watch the event op?