Am I crazy or should I be worried?

[flydojd]

I can't actually believe I am writing this, I've been with my fiance for eight years and always trusted him. We've had our problems, but I've never thought he would cheat or anything like that.

He has a rather unusual hobby (can't say what it is as it's so unsual it would be outing), which takes up 2-3 weekends a month. Sometimes he has to travel around the country for it, which means he's away for the whole weekend. This used to be rare, but now it's happening more and more often.

This weekend he's away. He left very early in the morning, and he's staying overnight in a Travelodge (he says). He says he's staying in the same room with a man who also does this hobby. What's really odd is the Travelodge is only 15 miles away. He said he's staying over as there's no point coming back for the night, but the hobby activities finished at about 4pm.

I'm finding this really, really odd, and confronted him about why he's staying at the hotel. He said it's easier for everyone, but I just don't get it?

Wow, maybe I sound crazy. I think this is more of a problem because our sex life has been very infrequent over the last year (once a month or so). I don't even know what I think he's doing, I just think it's odd he's staying at the hotel and questioning everything. Am I insane? Should I push this further with him?

If it were me I'd be suspicious that his friend is his sexual partner and that he's bisexual or gay.

It seriously is paranoia central here today. Why is that then? Because they are sleeping in a budget hotel room for one night?

Your instincts are usually right OP. That said, if he was cheating would he not make it more realistic and say the event was further away?

When he stays away with this hobby is he normally in a hotel or does he go camping?

All of this is a funny kind of relationship even if he’s not cheating- away most weekends , secretive about his phone and computer, would rather stay at a hotel 15m away (with just one other guy from the hobby and when event finished at 4)- that’s like my dh saying he’s moving out because it’s easier than travelling the hour to his office every day . Wouldn’t work for me as a relationship, plus quite possibly he is cheating with all those factors.

Who knows if he’s having an affair. I think probably not. However what is patently clear is that he is taking every opportunity he can get to spend time away from you, not just this overnight but the fact that at least half the weekends every month and sometimes more are taken up with the hobby, that you are not a part of. He’s gone off you I’m afraid. Do you have children?

@peakpants if it were my partner and I he'd of asked me over for a drink to meet his friend. As would I.

It might all be innocent but it doesn't look like it is.

After eight years of a hobby I'd of expected to meet his friends from all areas of his life.

I'd turn up in the morning, just before check out as offering a lift to surprise him

Ridiculous. He has booked a travel lodge 30 minutes from home. Most of us travel further to work than that. He also finished at 4pm so could have been home for 4:45 at the latest and has switched off find my friends and gets arsey if you use his laptop.

Seriously, he is taking you for an idiot.

if it were my partner and I he'd of asked me over for a drink to meet his friend. As would I

Or.... maybe given that he doesn't drive, the all-round better thing would have been for the OP to have given him a lift back and dropped him off. Do we even know if the OP drives? If she doesn't, then what a freaking palaver to get the train and despite you not wanting to get the train back, expect your partner to get public transport to a cheapo budget hotel and then travel back again, all just to prove that you're definitely not a secretly gay cheater.

FatBarry - It might not be 30 mins though. If her has to get a taxi to a train station, then catch a train then get a taxi from the train station home, then that could take bloody ages. Not to mention costing a fair bit.

And If I was offered the choice of spending £30 to get home or £25 to stay in a budget hotel with a friend, even though it was close to home, I would seriously consider the hotel...

He’s gone off you I’m afraid.

Some comedy gold on here tonight...

I'd definitely be suspicious and trying to get a look at his phone/ipad etc. I'd challenge him as soon as Find Friends was inactivated tbh, if previously you had had full visibility of his whereabouts. Sounds weird and stalker-ish to some but my DH and I have it just so we can see where each other is when travelling etc. I'd find it odd if suddenly he hid himself from me on it.

@Fabadabadoo

He doesn't drive, and they're not drinking. Only two of them are staying there and he's not much of a drinker.

@JessieMcJessie no we don't have kids

A hobby that takes up so many weekends would put me right off him anyway.

The hobby is probably “getting pissed.”

Cross post about the drinking.

@PeakPants yes I drive

What are you going to do x

I'd have called the hotel already.

Did you offer to drive him back and there again tomorrow? Either he is cheating or he is not. I would not go over there to spy on him. Talk to him about it tomorrow but it sounds like you don't trust him either way.

is it a gaming sort of obsession thing?
that could already have been asked.
are they planning to game all night may be?

I think about all I can think of is, as a pp said, offering him a lift back in the morning at short notice. If he says no, he isn't there, and if he is there but "friend" has left I'd be very suspicious.

are you sure it would be so outing if you told us the hobby?

It's not gaming, it's an unusual sport.

My spidey senses would be on alert, but then my ex took me for an absolute fool like that so I have massive trust issues.

I don't think you can do anything tonight. Showing up is pointless if he hasn't driven there.

I would sit him down when he shows up and just say 'if I were suddenly withdrawn from you, secretive over my phone/laptop, spending weekends away then telling you I was choosing to stay half an hour down the road in a Travelodge rather than come home at 4.....' what would you think?

If he says he'd think nothing of it and that you are paranoid then you'll have your answer because any reasonable person would be concerned by that and any lying faithless fucker will tell you you're being paranoid.

OP could you drive up then ring him to say you’re there to give him a lift home as a kind surprise since you were at a loose end?

Oh I'd be like a fly on shit with this. Does he leave his laptop at home? If so take it to someone who can break into it when he's at his hobby. Also go to the travel lodge, although would someone be so stupid as to telling their OH that info? I'd go anyway and have a steak out, if he does have a lover there, they may well leave together in the morning and then you go up to him and confront the bastard!