AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

I love in adoption and fostering circles because of my job. It is an amazing thing to do for a child. However it is for people who want to offer something’s to a child rather than having a need met for them.

Wrong. Wrong. And wrong

The issues of infertility and adoption are both very sensitive and unfortunately they draw out very insensitive comments from people - often they mean well and just don't think before speaking - but equally some people can be utterly vile with what they say.

I have experience of both situations - I cannot have children and I am an adoptee. I have had despicable things said to me about both situations... on balance, the stuff about being adopted has been worse - I've had disgusting things said to me - and sadly, in my experience, people's attitudes to adoption/adopted children haven't changed as much as they should have done in this day and age.

That all said, no one in either situation deserves to have cruel things said to them. I'm so sorry for your loss OP - I know how it feels - give yourself time to grieve - it does get easier in time.

As an Uber barren myself I've also had the why don't you adopt lime trotted out to me; and actually, at the time, in a desperate bid to save my marriage. I considered it and persuaded my then husband to go along with it. We were rejected pretty early on because the SW realised that we were not suitable candidates, that our marriage was a sham and that my then husband was abusive to me and I wanted a child to prop up my dying marriage.

If we'd been able to conceive naturally this still would have been the case, but no one would have been able to stop,us. Stop me from wrecking the innocent life of a child.

The bottom line is, to be an adopted parent you have to be better than an average parent. That made me pretty angry at the time. Still does, on occasion. But it's entirely fair. You have to be a special kind of person and make more sacrifices than a biological parent can for the simple reason that these children have been let down by their biological parent, so you have to be more; more understanding, more patient, better in every way and stronger than any biological parent can imagine.

Just read some of the posts of adoptive parents on here, like Lizzie48 and you will see that us infertiles don't see this as an easy option or a consolation prize. In many ways to give a child with a difficult and damaged start in life a new and better life is the ultimate gift of parenting.

So those SW were right to say my husband and I were not suitable all those years ago. If it was my partner and I now - maybe things would be different, but it's too late for us. We are too old, too fat and have pets.

@Auditqueen has said it perfectly.

God that's so shit for you, I'm so sorry. YADNBU, surely anyone with half a brain cell realises how insensitive that is.

Definitely check us out over in Uber Barren.

I know how hard those comments are but it is just that people don't know what to say so say what they think you want to hear without thinking.

I have a lot of respect for adoptive parents and no child is a 'consolation prize' but saying 'you could just adopt a baby' does come across that way.

I think it is because a lot of people don't think about adoption (if they conceived easily they never needed to) and don't understand what it involves. I honestly think there are a lot of people who think it is still like the old days where babies from wholesome young mothers were given up at birth and you could go and pick a newborn to take home because you were a nice couple who could give the baby a good home.

I'm sure a lot of people don't know much about adoption therefore are fairly blase about it. My DGM's sister adopted both of her dc as newborns and I always remember how she used to say that they were extra special as she had 'handpicked' them. There were rows and rows of newborns apparently and adopters got to choose the one they wanted and took it home. This was nearly 50 years ago but some people probably think the same thing happens now.

I'm so sorry OP, please do come over and join us on the Uber Barrens thread

My DH gets equally exasperated when we're told 'why don't you just adopt' / 'well you can always adopt' / 'have you thought about adoption' (OMG thank you for letting us know adoption exists, we would never have thought about it as an option during all our infertility treatment and when we were told we had exhausted all our options and couldn't have children!)

I will usually launch into a diatribe explaining why 'well you can always adopt' isn't a helpful thing to say - it's true that they're not all going to go and tell all their mates 'HEY GUYS, it turns out that adoption isn't as easy as we thought!', but if it helps them think about what they say, then that's a good thing

Reasons why infertile couples could be rejected as adopters (obv not all LA, not all couples, but all potential reasons adoption might not be an option):

Too old
Not the right ethnicity
Not the right religion
Don't already have children
Self employed
Both partners work
Rent not own
Have debt
Any current or previous mental health issues
Any current or previous physical health issues
Have a dog
Difficult childhood
No family close by
Not enough outside space
Not enough bedrooms
Any previous relationship issues

Most parents wouldn't get approved to adopt their own children!

A friend is going through the adoption process and most of the couples in her cohort have dropped out because the process of being torn to shreds by social workers was so emotionally gruelling

Adoption is about giving a child a home, not an infertile couple a child.
Very very strong stable parents with great support networks who are able to cope with very complex needs are the answer to adopted children : not everyone feels able to meet the needs of children who may have suffered severe abuse or neglect, who may come to them deeply traumatised, with attachment disorder or complex medical, behavioural and psychological needs.

It's totally OK to not know what to say if someone says they can't have children. Some of the most helpful things people have said to me are 'I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you', or 'I'm so sorry, that's really unfair'.

People are usually pretty astonished when I explain the potential reality of adoption - they say they had no idea. It's like, OK, so if you have no idea, why are you trying to fix the problem with suggestions for something you admit you don't understand!

Audit
Nailed it

As an adopted child, thanks so much for the 'consolation prize' comment

Not being able to have your own biological children must be painful, but that's downright disgusting to call us children without biological parents 'consolation prizes'; that alone makes me think you're not fit to adopt if that is how you think of these children. Perhaps look up my thread on how my adoptive parents treat me - they had their own children yet made it painfully obvious throughout my life that I was not one of them. If adoption is not for you, fine, but don't speak about us that weren't fortunate to have our actual parents/who weren't wanted so derogatorily.

Your friends are trying to be positive and remind you there are other options, it might be a bit tactless but it's not meant to be hurtful.

Eyycarumba you are misinterpreting what the OP has said, when you tell people that you can't have child other people very often talk about adoption like a consolation prize , people who can't have children are very aware that adoption is not a consultation prize, people who adopt are amazing special people, hence why when other people say things like this it is so frustrating.

The thing that makes me ‘laugh’ is that, a lot of people getting offended at the ‘OPs language’ on this thread are, themselves, using language that is offensive to a lot of adopted parents

‘If you can’t have your own children’
‘If you can’t have children naturally’