AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

Okay, I have tried to explain that I don't in any way think of adoption as a consolation prize. I think it is an incredible thing to do and I am absolutely in awe of people who do it.

I thought my point was clear, but it seems not be and I'm really not in the mood for a kicking. Thanks for the supportive replies, I'll be asking for this thread to be removed.

If someone's child had died , no one would think it was ok to say never mind you can adopt another child
I agree with your general point but not being able to have a child is in no way comparable to losing a child.

Also OP I sympathise (someone who has had two stillborns) but calling adoption a consolation prize is very very unreasonable.

Many people have not yet experienced any deep pain in life. Minor disappointments, maybe. So they try to sympathise but fall short of real empathy.

I actually fully agree with that. It also works for chronic illnesses, MH etc etc.
I also think that a lot of people have to no idea of how to self reflect and the ability to be self critical

It doesn’t stop that sort of comment to be insensitive.
I wouod actually tell them straight ‘That was a quite insensitive thing to say. We are still grieving for the children we will never have’

Yanbu.
My friend can't have children. I wouldn't dream of saying that to her.

Adoption is an amazing thing but difficult. It's incredibly stressful and difficult and not an option for all.

I dint think that the OP is calling an adoptive child a consolation prize.
It’s about how other people seem to think they are like an easy option to replace the ‘real thing’, a consolation price.
A bit like you would say ‘oh I’m sorry you didn’t get the first prize. But here you can have this instead’

downeyhouse - I know you took it as offense. But I think you have to understand it is a thought process of loss before making the positive approach to adoption. It is obviously a very sensitive subject and I am not trying to belittle your feelings but I really don;t think the thread is
saying adopted kids are a consolation prize.

It's like when people break up with a long term partner and someone says 'don't worry, plenty more fish in the sea'. Of course there are, and you will likely meet someone and be perfectly happy. But right there, in that moment, you are not thinking about the next fish in the sea. You are thinking about the fish you thought you already had.

I can empathise wholeheartedly, OP. We found out in March that without ICSI, there will be no baby for DH and I after trying for two and a half years. The ‘you can just adopt’ or ‘have you tried X, Y and Z’ is well meant but is also annoying and hard to just shrug off sometimes, especially when there is literally NO chance of it happening without IVF.

Big hugs, infertility is really fucking crap and lonely.

Clearly the OP was referring to what people say to her implying that adoption was a consolation prize, not that she thinks it is.

It really pissed me off when people say “just adopt” as if it hasn’t occurred to people who can’t conceicd that it might be an option.

YANBU

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I have experienced infertility and am currently facing investigations for a rare condition that could potentially lead to a hysterectomy. I'm very lucky that I have a child conceived via IVF. I was still shattered to receive this news and would be so angry if someone said to just adopt to me. I think adoption is a wonderful but difficult process and the children often need lots of support after such a traumatic experience. It is maybe something you might consider but now isn't the time for it. You need to grieve for your fertility first.

FWIW I read your comment as adopted children aren't anyone's consolation prize so not in a negative way. Those children are as special as any other child and shouldn't be offered up as a solution in these situations

I would never say that to anyone in your position Op. Firstly, because surely anyone with two brain cells knows that adoption is not easy or automatically available to everyone (as you say you can't just nip down to the council & pick your own), secondly not everyone wants to adopt - for some that is not the answer. It is such an emotive subject & so personal that to offer that as the answer to your news is so crass. I am so so sorry for your news .

@catintheworld I don't think it should be taken as an insult.

Obviously it's fucking insulting. It's a disgusting thing to say and should not have been said. Far worse than trying to make a positive suggestion which is unwelcome.

That said, OP has apologised and that's that. People make tactless comments all the time and should be allowed to apologise and move on. Something @ItsNotThatFuckingSimple might do well to remember when upset by a comment related to her fertility issues.

@The majority of people adopt because they are unable to have their own children.

There are no hard numbers for the UK, but it's around half of adopters- give or take. Point is that people adopt for loads of reasons and many choose to do so instead of having birth children.

Totally understand. I'm now starting to consider adoption but know there's a lot of hoops to jump through and am frightened off how hard it'll be. But I also hate the idea that I'm proving those people who said "have you thought about adoption" right -.-

It's usually people who never struggled to conceive who suggest it as well.

OP, you have been upset by others suggesting you can always adopt. Others have been upset by your use of the phrase 'consolation prize'. Can you see from this how easy it is to hurt and upset when you are rooted in your own perspective and not thinking of how your words might affect others?

I'm not saying these people who have said this to you are not being thoughtless and saying an inappropriate thing. I suppose I'm saying please don't isolate yourself further by being overly quick to condemn. These people can't understand your exact experience, no. But perhaps they will prove supportive in the future.

You’re grieving for the life you thought you where going to have. Be gentle with yourself. I am so sorry for you. Take care. And yanbu. Sometimes people should engage their brain before speaking, especially about highly emotive subjects.

I also think the op has been misunderstood. I took her comment to mean when people say you can always adopt that it's as if they think we can rock up to the council and be handed a baby no questions asked.

Not unreasonable. People should know better these days. Everyone knows its not like just turning up at an orphanage and being handed a baby.

YANBU! They usually trot out drivel like 'There are so many children in the UK in need of loving homes,' but nothing is stopping them from opening up their own homes and becoming adopters themselves.

YANBU to be upset by it. Some people up just don’t know what to say though.

When I was going through fertility tests and fert8lity treatment, I had the same. A couple of people even offered to be a surrogate for me, which was equally as stupid as saying to adopt. It doesn’t make you feel any less hurt.

Not sure why there are so many people in a position to comment. If I mentioned this to anyone, it would probably be to family, possibly five years later, in response to a comment on my childless status.

YANBU. People often don't understand the pain of infertility and childlessness, but they seem to understand less about adoption.

I don't think there is ever a good reason to suggest adoption to someone. Everyone knows it exists so no reason to bring it up.

Sorry OP, and yes I agree that saying it in that way as an immediate response to your news is both incredibly insensitive and does make it seem like adoption is some sort of back-up plan or consolation prize.

There is adoption in my own family, it it something I have considered without having fertility problems. It is a different journey to having a family of your own, not one that works for everyone and not one that is suitable for everyone and the idea it can be substituted in without though seems demeaning to people who have put a lot of thought into it and its implications. I do appreciate many people only end up exploring adoption after trying to have biological children but they don't do so lightly. There are a number of different options to having a family but that doesn't make it less devastating when the path most people take that you thought you were on is permanently closed to you.

When someone has terrible news, the appropriate response is to sympathise and empathise, not to try and 'fix' the other person or make suggestions. When my mum had a cancer diagnosis, people telling me 'oh don't worry you can treat breast cancer really easily these days' was not helpful in a context where her doctors believed she had a very rare aggressive kind and people were mostly trying to find something to say so they didn't have to feel awkward.

OP I'm sorry you've had such shitty news and the people around you are making it worse. Be kind to yourself for now.

Sorry- just rereading my post, what I was trying to say is adoption is a different route to getting your own family, not to in any way suggest that family members gained through adoption are different to those gained through biology but I think my wording could be read both ways.

It always amazes me when I hear people say that (not to me, I am not in your position). Adoption is not for everyone and from what I understand you go through a great number of hoops and it is not guaranteed at the end of it that you will be able to adopt anyway.

It annoys me as much as when people say of someone "She could always have an abortion". Like there are no thoughts, you just press a button and bingo!