AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

I do not think that is correct at all tom

People should be motivated to adopt to become parents, not to somehow ‘rescue’ a child from an unpalatable situation.

YANBU. And people need to get over the "consolation prize" comment. I don't think the OP meant it the way you think.

It does hurt. Not because adoption is any less amazing than having your own child - but the way people trot it out like a solution to an actually devastating issue in your life. Of course they mean well, but it’s both lazy and thoughtless.

When I was dealing with unexplained infertility I was having a chat with my aunt who upon hearing I was looking into private IVF said something along the lines of “well it’s very expensive, would you not just consider adopting, IVF is thousands a pop”

..... I wouldn’t mind but IVF (although yes it’s seriously expensive) is nowhere near the cost of an average new car. People will pay 15k for a car but feel like the same on trying for a baby is too much

Coincidentally my auntie had just had her garden revamped with new patios and some hand built fitted wardrobes put in her (mortgage free) house. She can spend her money however she wants of course but felt a bit shitty for her to trot out the “adopt bc IVF is expensive” when she’d just laid the equivalent of one round on a fucking patio.

Probably irrelevant but it feels good to rant as never mentioned that conversation to anyone

I think people were perfectly entitled to question it, whilst still having empathy for the OP.

I agree Shockers, I did. Gently though, which some other posters didn’t. They really went for the jugular without reading updates or empathising.

I know it must be awful but they are just trying to comfort you. Maybe it’s inappropriate and of course they can’t understand how you feel. But there’s no malice in it. I don’t think it’s helpful to focus on that.

Hmm I've said this in the past, but mostly because I don't want children so can't relate to being devestated at not being able to have them. I'll definitely be more mindful in the future and will not say it again.

I have always hated this. I am blessed to have 2 children of my own, & was lucky enough to be able to help a friend have a child of their own. My experience of 'don't worry you can always adopt' is only ever aimed at people who cannot for whatever reason have children naturally themselves. It rarely gets directed at people like me.

If people don't know what to say when they find out you can't have a child yourself, they should just be honest & say that.

Yabu, but adopting is not the consolation prize. It's winning gold for the egg and spoon, instead of the flat race. It's different, and needs different skills, but you're still a winner. [Wink]

Yanbu, sorry. I hate it when people trot out "why don't you just adopt" on infertility threads, or "why don't you just give the baby up for adoption" on termination threads, or "why don't you foster?" on adoption threads. It shows complete lack of understanding.

Love that flakes!

I won twice 🥇🥇

I'm an adoptive parent.
Like the OP i loathe the "you can just adopt brigade" precisely because of the simplistic way they see adoption. And it's THOSE people who are the ones who see adoptive children as the consolation prize - not the OP who understands why the "just adopt" comment is abhorent to both herself and adopted children.

If someone mentions IVF failures or infertility to me, I usually say something along the lines of "Oh I'm so sorry, that must be so horrible for you." And stop.

If I know them well, and I feel that they want to talk about it, I have asked "Are there any options you have left?" which leaves it entirely in their court as to what they say to me. There maybe other infertility treatments left to investigate, surrogacy, adoption might be something that they may consider/ have considered, and they may or may not want to talk to anybody about them. Who knows! It's not up to me to guide them. It's their story to tell or not tell.

Currently YABU. you've only recently had the bad news and your emotions cloud your view on this. With time you will be able to process the news and move on with life and will see people are well meaning and not being thoughtless

You’re totally wrong there elasticity. No matter how long you’ve had the bad news, it’s thoughtless and out of order to ask about adoption. Yes, well meaning but it’s not an appropriate question.

The length of time from hearing the news doesn't change a thing!

people who say this are well meaning fuckwits.
i have had friends who choose to remain childless, rather than adopt. Friends who have adopted. Friends who started the adoption route and stopped. and a couple who split up.
all of it difficult and painful and no one elses business.

I was spouted the "well there's always surrogacy" line, surrogacy wasn't for us, adoption was.
People want to give you hope that's the best way to take it, but the wisest people are those who stop at "sorry to hear that, or it must be such a shock"
That said who have you been telling? If you've heard it that often you must have told quite a few people. You may find it easier to process slowly, then share with those you value the most and really no one else needs to know.

I think it's a thoughtless thing to say and I'd never say it. But people do say thoughtless things when they're feeling awkward in the face of someone's devastation.

They say it with the incorrect perception it’s easy peasy to adopt a baby like there is an abundance of them, just go and pick yourself one, off the shelf!

No child is a bloody consolation prize. It is a privilege to have them, wherever they come from.

YANBU.
If a Hairdresser shaved your head when you only asked for a trim, would you be comforted by someone saying, "Don't worry about it, you can always buy a wig."

Or if you’d always had your heart set on being an opera singer and a medical condition meant you losing your singing voice, it wouldn’t be much comfort if someone said well you can always play the piano instead.

If someone has suffered a loss the appropriate thing to do is to acknowledge that loss, not suggest things for them to do instead. Which they will in any case already have thought about.

People don’t think and are often really tactless abs hurtful without meaning to be.

If someone's child had died, no one would think it was ok to say never mind you can adopt another child

My daughter died. At her memorial service the woman playing the organ in the church told me it was ok as I was young and would go on to have other children. She didn’t mean it how I took it but it really stung and I’ll never forget it. I’m not that young and maybe I won’t have another child.

My daughter died. At her memorial service the woman playing the organ in the church told me it was ok as I was young and would go on to have other children

I am so sorry for your loss, and I cannot believe that someone would think that this was an appropriate or acceptable comment. It’s shocking. 😡