AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

Maybe then OP will realise what her theory of " Consolation prize" really means!

FFS, RTFT please. OP has clarified more than once. Its not her theory that adoptive children are a consolation prize, she's upset because people keep suggesting adoption as a solution to her as though they view adoptive children as a consolation prize.

well meaning but off the scale for being insensitive . My freind has just finished chemo and now can't have children I just said i don't know what to say and gave her a hug . Don't know if this was right or wrong but wanted to acknowledge it but not turn it into a conversion and upset her

I think in most cases it would be a well meaning but insensitive thing to say. It's a shame that many people don't exercise more thought before saying things.

OP your comment about a 'consolation' prize is insensitive too- how does that make an adoptive parent or and adopted child feel to read that someone may see them as this? So you see it's easily done....

It is however likely that those of us who are particularly sensitive about something take these insensitive comments very very personally....I have an only DC, and pick up on every single insensitive thing people say about only children. Makes my blood boil, but I have to accept that I am oversensitive and adjust my response accordingly....

Minister - It was totally OP's opinion that adopted children are a consolation prize! She quoted nobody!

I think in general people want to 'fix' things
Except on mn where we apparently just want to kick people who’ve just had shitty news.

OP

To say 'you can always adopt' when you've only just found out weeks ago, is insensitive in the extreme. I second silentpool's post above about lack of empathy.

A couple of years later it might be OK to ask, did you consider adopting?

The problem is that there is probably no ‘right’ thing to say in such a very distressing situation. No words can make it ok and almost anything someone thinks of to say is likely to hit a nerve. Even the seemingly harmless ‘I’m so sorry ‘ could be infuriating when dealing with life changing news like this.

Go easy on these tactless people if you can OP. They are probably trying to be kind. But also go easy on yourself. Like you say it’s OK for you not to be OK with this situation and cope in whatever way works for you.

Good grief.

Some people make love to their partners, get pregnant, and nine months later have a baby. Everyone smiles and says congratulations, they buy you cake, cards and cute baby clothes. You choose a name, and you love your baby.

Now imagine before you can do that, your friends, family, employers and other significant people in your life have to be interviewed as to your suitability to parent. If you have a small house, without a bedroom for the child, forget it. If you have a pond, a dog, smoke, health conditions, fat, thin, forget it. If you’re not on the Pill, forget it. (I won’t take hormonal contraception.) If you have an existing child with additional needs, forget it.

But great! You’re the right weight and height and no other children and no bad pets and no pond. Now you get ... to be interviewed again. And again and again and again.

And when you do eventually get a match, you don’t get to experience pregnancy or birth or breastfeeding and let’s not make insensitive comments about it. Yes, pregnancy and birth are awful but they are also important in the context of parenthood. Breastfeeding mattered a lot to me. I was very disappointed when I couldn’t feed my son for long. You don’t get to choose your child’s name. You might not get cards and cake and presents. You have to deal with the fact that your new son or daughter was removed from their birth family for a reason and that reason was probably traumatic. You might not be able to excitedly share photos of your child on social media because of security risks.

I could go on.

You’re still a parent, but no way would I choose it - and they wouldn’t choose me either. Plenty of perfectly adequate parents out there would never get through an adoption panel. It is not a solution for everybody and in terms of what you would choose parenting wise is pretty awful.

The problem is that there is probably no ‘right’ thing to say in such a very distressing situation. No words can make it ok and almost anything someone thinks of to say is likely to hit a nerve. Even the seemingly harmless ‘I’m so sorry ‘ could be infuriating when dealing with life changing news like this.

As a person who has been in this situation I can tell you that sympathy and acknowledgement were exactly what - and all - I needed to hear. Not advice or suggestions. Especially not from people who had never experienced that situation.

consolation prize

Thankfully their are people who do claim us.

I'm luckily part of an extended family that have fostered and adopted many children.
All of them valued and loved along with children who came naturally.

I’m having quite a wry smile at quite some of the responses on here which think they’re being nice but are actually being quite insensitive and ignorant.

People don’t pursue fertility treatment over adoption purely because they want their own baby. It’s because it’s by far and away their best chance of having a child, any child. Despite fertility treatment being hit and miss, it is still far, far likelier to succeed than any adoption bid.

OP if you're still reading this, come over to our Ultra Barren Elite Squad thread on infertility, we're all in your boat and we get it xxx

I 100% know what you mean, and other people who think they're being helpful do talk about adoption like a consolation prize. It's not for me but I have enormous respect for people who chose to adopt because it's a bloody hard road. People are continuously thoughtless and us barrens are forever having to bite our tongues so as we don't upset / offend people by openly talking about our grief. Xx

Oh, the other one you will get OP is “Have you considered surrogacy”. Which a lot of people seem to think is an affordable and accessible, risk free 100% reliable way of curing infertility

I don't see why this is unreasonable; many (maybe the majority?) people adopt as a result of infertility. When we have our own issues that others don't have they view the 'problem' from their own angle, which is often not helpful to the person. As a mum of dc with congenital abnormalities there are quite a few things relating to pregnanc/babies that sounds terribly insensitive to me, e.g. "I don't care what the sex is, as long as it's healthy" or "I don't feel I could parent a child with special needs". I do have to take a step back and realise that that they are speaking about themselves, not about my own dc.

[pinkbobbles] very good post.
OP I'm very sorry

This is a perfect thread, in that the OP’s post perfectly encapsulates how easy it is to completely unintentionally cause others hurt when it comes to very sensitive issues. The very scenario that she is angry about.

Surprised people can’t see the difference in someone trying to express their sadness & being misinterpreted (OP) to someone offering ill thought-out solace that is ultimately hurtful (those OP is complaining about)

All the ‘see OP - you’re in the wrong too’ comments are overly simplistic and unkind.

Hope OP did step away from the thread.

I have had this too.

As it happens we had always wanted to adopt as much or even more than we wanted to have biological children (I hate the idea of a child not having a home more than I need a biological child) but for health reasons now we would never be considered for adoption, but also have virtually zero chance of conceving our own child.

It is the other foot in mouth people that view adoption as the consolation prize - that is what they are trying to do to the OP, console her with an alternative. It is not the OP.

Sometimes you can be surrounded by insensitive idiots who don't know when to shut up (probably the same people who for years insensitively went on and on about when you were going to have a child or give them a grandchild) and it is rage inducing.

Sorry for your pain OP

It's this incessant fucking need people have to offer a solution so that THEY can feel better about the situation. Never mind the poor soul who has the actual problem.

The sooner they wake up to the fact that they aren't being asked to solve the problem, they are just being informed of what the problem is, and all that is being asked of them is to offer sympathy and some empathy.

yes Hammy those people just want to make themselves feel better. Just do this, just do that. Have you thought about XYZ bleeding obvious/ massively unrealistic... they can't bear the small amount of discomfort the topic gives them, so "fix it" nice and easily so they can feel all better and change the subject - normally to something they want to complain about... fuckers.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH :(

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but calling adopted children a ‘consolation prize’ isn’t right and it fills me with sadness.

I hope my two wonderful kids never hear anyone say that- although they’ve heard some pretty crass adoption related comments over the years .

Shockers that is not the OP's view - that is the point of the thread. She is complaining about other insenstive people who both disregard her pain and trivialise adoption.

Apologies in that case. I am also very sensitive when it comes to this subject.

As I said, OP, I am very sorry that you’re having to go through this.

Shockers - I think that's the whole point of it. Adoption is a serious matter, and requires a lot of thought, self-awareness, and a huge amount of work.

The off-hand manner in which people propose it as a solution to infertility is ridiculous.

I love in adoption and fostering circles because of my job. It is an amazing thing to do for a child. However it is for people who want to offer something’s to a child rather than having a need met for them.

You have had an awful shock and need time to grieve. I am so sorry that you are going through this it must be extremely painful.