AIBU to be so bloody angry with people who tell me to adopt?

[ItsNotThatFuckingSimple]

NC for this, my very first AIBU.

So, a couple of weeks ago I found out I can't have children. The pain, grief, impact on DH (and our marriage) are all subjects for a different thread. The thing I'm focusing on today is how fucking furious it makes me when friends blithely say (upon hearing the news): "you can always adopt!". As if I can just phone up the local council and claim my consolation prize.

AIBU for it to make me feel this way? And WIBU to tell the next person who says it to me what a fatuous and ignorant comment they have just made, and to suggest they never, ever say it to anyone else? DH thinks people are being well meaning; I think that part of meaning well is to think before you speak. And not just say the first thing that comes into your head because you're uncomfortable.

Of course people mean well; they want to offer a crumb of comfort in your grieving, but I do recognise that it's not what you want to hear right now. Please don't snap at them, just let them know it's not something you want to think about now.

I think that it’s completely ok to tell someone that they’re not helping (politely).It’s such a common thing to say (and comes up on here frequently) but it isn’t helpful for so many reasons. There are better things to say like, “I’m so sorry to hear that.” Full stop!

It’s an option for people who can have biological children too...

Yes...as in my case. I think this thread should be moved to the adoption board.... Maybe then OP will realise what her theory of " Consolation prize" really means! 🤬

I get what you’re saying about the consultation prize. A child is a gift, not an after thought because you can’t conceive. For someone to flippantly say at least you can adopt they make it sound somehow less important.

I had miscarriages and people would say at least you can have another, and it really annoyed me. Like give me a minute to grieve for this so that when please god I have a child it’s not as a reaction to this terribly sad thing, but as a new and joyful venture.

If you’re considering adoption it should be with a heart full of love not grief.

I'm an adopter. I came to adoption via similar circumstances to OP. Now I can't imagine that there is a better way to become a parent. I just feel that this is what was always meant to be and I feel so lucky that my life worked out this way. But I didn't always feel this way. Once I felt like the OP (aside from the consolation prize bit!) I was angry and sad and grieving. Give yourself this time OP. Allow yourself to wallow. Then work out a way to take back control. Whatever form that takes.

YANBU. People probably don't mean anything bad by it, but it is horrendously inconsiderate and rude to say 'just adopt' as if it's so easy. Like you said OP, they make out it's as easy to get a baby, as it is to go to a supermarket and get a carton of milk.

I am so sorry to hear of your news. Must be devastating.

To the people getting angry with the OP saying 'consolation prize' give her a break FGS. She has just found out she can't have kids. Cut her some slack

Christ in a bike. It's perfectly clear in the OPs post that when she says "consolation prize" she's sending up the glib attitude of the people who're telling her to adopt, not saying that she believes an adopted child is a consolation prize herself.

OP I totally agree. How many times we heard that when going through recurrent miscarriage and IVF. Yeah, a match made in heaven: a kid who has already been through a measure of trauma in their young life and a couple completely new to parenting and with a series of recent bereavements behind them. I'm not saying it can't work but it is incredibly simplistic to think you can just fit the two together and bang, instant family.

I never understand this "people just don't know the right thing to say", either. It's really easy to know what to say. You say, "I'm so sorry." and then you let the other person talk, about the bereavement, or Love Island, or whatever they want.

Do people really not recognised the spirit in which the 'consolation prize' phrase was used?

It IS the attitude in which people often 'recommend' adoption to others who have recently been told they cannot have biological children. It is not right and of course not correct and, yes, very rude and hurtful, but the OP was trying to get across part of what upset her about these unthinking comments.

It’s such simplistic thinking. There are people who can’t have children, and children in need of parents, so put the two together and problem solved, simples. Except they are two different issues. Adoption isn’t there as a service to infertile couples, it’s a way of finding homes for children.

I pointed out that consolation prize was bad terminology, and I stand by that. But gently.

I think that piling on to an OP who has already had devastating news, and has clarified more than once that “consolation prize” isn’t her choice of words, but those of others is bad form. Really bad form.

I’m adopted, consolation prize isn’t nice. But neither is verbally/in text battering an OP who is emotionally vulnerable and going through a really rough time. It’s pretty horrid actually.

So sorry, OP. YANBU to feel that way.

To the people getting angry with the OP saying 'consolation prize' give her a break FGS. She has just found out she can't have kids. Cut her some slack
But this is relevant to her situation. She has said something that other people find offensive. She has clarified that she didn't mean to upset people, but that doesn't make what she said less offensive. The people who told her to adopt didn't mean harm either, did they? This is a perfect example of how words can be offensive to others so you need to think before you speak; something the OP is complaining about yet didn't do herself. Struggling with infertility doesn't excuse thoughtlessness either.

I don’t think it was offensive.

Put simply, with very few exceptions, most people who are able to have a biological child do so.

Ergo, most people do not want to adopt. We can deduce from this that adoption is not the go to stance when planning a family and as such, the process (not the children themselves) is the “consolation prize.”

@TacoLover but her clarification shows she’s taken it on board. That’s the difference, she hasn’t kept saying it or bitten back defending it. She’s taken on board the initial criticism and people still keep coming.

I don’t think it was offensive.
You can't see how adoption being referred to as a consolation prize might be very offensive to people who have been adopted?

The OP didn't SAY an adopted child was second best FFS. As some posters have explained, she is fed up of people suggesting adoption, as if it's a consolation prize for not being able to have her own kids. She is not saying adopted kids are second best!

People really are seeing what they want to see aren't they?!

Swimmer lab, yes must have a positive spin at all costs. Not, what is the matter with people?

I think they are choosing to be offended by it Taco, if you want me to be totally frank.

People do not usually adopt if they are able to have a birth child. Of all people, adopters should know this.

@swimmerlab has said nothing wrong.

I agree. A few people on here are choosing to be offended.

The OP said NOTHING offensive, and she has just discovered she can't have kids. Give her a break for FFS!

Best wishes op. People do suggest adoption as if it were a consolation prize and it says more about them that you.

Why would people even think that they need to say something positive about such heartbreaking news, instead of just saying “I am so sorry”?

I think in general people want to 'fix' things that are wrong in their friend's life, hence the blithely stated adoption 'solution'.

I wish people would realise that what people going through distress most want is to be heard and understood.

So sorry you are going through all this OP.

The OP apologised about the "consolation" thing over three hours ago, in fairness. I guess she can see now that sometimes people say crass things without meaning harm - she's kind of proven that!

OP - I'm sorry about your bad news. It must have come as a shock. Sympathies to your husband too.